I feel so very tired…so very very tired. In Vegas with my father feeling grief hard core. This morning I awoke more adapted to it. The past few days have been doozies. Day one full of struggle for all of the feelings rising up. Yesterday, I found surrender and acceptance again and allowed grief to exist in this body, not struggling with the sorrow, the anger, the loss, the disbelief. Letting it all express.
Father and I went to see “Fighting with my Family” and tears fell down my cheeks during this light hearted movie about making a dream come true because I wanted to feel that actualization too. Not gonna pretend to be on a mountain top. Having honed therapeutic and mindfulness skills to manage my inner ecosystem and my heart purifying more with each passing day does not take away the Ego’s desire for worldly fulfillment. I am not in this life to transcend Ego anyway. I am only here to understand it and the structure of the psyche. What are you here to do and to be? We each have our path…
My mind travels into the collective consciousness of this country…the politics of hate spreading and awareness awakening just as strong. Love facing hate. Awareness facing ignorance. The hate group disguised in politics and religion infiltrating Seattle, hurting LBGTQIA people. I feel so much rage toward hate groups. I am so fucking tired of ignorant bully assholes ruling the world in every way. I am so tired of love, peace, and harmony being treated like a minority and being seen as some big dream when it’s so palpable. It’s like the narcissistic making his partner feel crazy for perceiving diplomacy, awareness, peace, and love as unrealistic huge visions.
This is just how I feel. I am sick of it. I don’t feel offended. I don’t feel less-than because of their stupid mentalities. I feel rage that they ruin life for so many people including their own lives. I understand what breeds hatred in our systemic mess that goes back thousands of years. The understanding does not dismiss the rage. They go side by side. I know I am in a stage of growth where I am learning to feel empowered so I may move beyond empowerment. I am nowhere near the stage Martin Luther King was able to channel and use to make change. I work each day to purify my heart…
I keep thinking about the movie we saw yesterday. About how much I enjoyed the tiny glam world of wrestling. The main character says she liked to wrestle because it’s an escape from life. I understand that. That movie was an escape from grief. We all need escape sometimes. Life is hard. Life is wretched. Tragedy is real. People are treated horribly. I asked my dad the other night if he thought the Universe is benevolent. He said, “it is benevolent and it is also malevolent, ” and he told me the tale of “The Monkey’s Paw”. An old story he’s been sharing for years that he thinks captures the true essence of malevolence in the Universe.
I love that my dad does not resist malevolence and it helps me see how I do resist it. I am one of those types who try to make life all light and love and that’s why I am so reactive to others who do the same and why my mammoth urge for the past decade has been to understand and integrate the shadow. This is my current healing path and why I am dedicated to feeling every feeling, acknowledging tragedy, and not turning the painful side of life into a fabricated exaggeration due to it getting repressed in the shadow and growing horns as a result.
I feel that I am finally accepting malevolence as real. Not the false horned devil version. Real malevolence is a force in nature that courses through our humanity. Nature contains everything and maintains a delicate balance at all times. There is nothing that does not exist in nature and…we are nature. Jung understood this and I feel it was his life-long urge to understand and make peace with polarity. The New Age and religions alike resist malevolence and therefor malevolence grows in the shadow of suppression and turns into a Devil or in the case of the New Age, “darkness” to be battled.
The dialect of Good versus Evil is a fabricated war of our collective Ego suppressing malevolence. We make our myths and the myths make us.
The collective archetype of nature that contains the malevolence is the Trickster, who does not have any judgement, morality, or boundaries and is filled with lustful and reactive urges that range from benevolent to malevolent, containing the entire spectrum of animal feelings without an ounce of discernment or thought. You can connect this force to the reptilian and limbic parts of the brain. Ego is neither bad or good but just the function of being a self aware human. You can connect Ego to the prefrontal cortex.
The healthy Ego, which develops from being raised with love, intelligence, and care, can connect to the Trickster, feel malevolent urges and not act upon them. Maybe the healthy Ego writes, talks, dances, has sex, does ritual, plays an instrument, sings, runs, builds, cooks, paints, or engages in any healthy activity that expresses the wild Trickster’s feelings and urges because the healthy Ego feels loved and cared for and hence, loves and cares for self and others.
The unhealthy Ego battles with the world, battles with addiction, battles with others, battles with self, feels isolated, abandoned, repressed, unloved, unseen, inferior and lives in a story of lack. When the unhealthy Ego connects with the Trickster either self destruction results or Ego projects onto a scapegoat in the form of abuse, prejudice, violence, and tyranny.
Malevolence is not the problem. How we interact with malevolence is the problem.
I am accepting this more as I integrate my shadow…
Choice is a huge part of being human. In the tarot, choice is a lesson of the archetype of the Lovers, which is about the inner harmony of polarizing forces that make up being human and made of nature. If you honor the Yin and Yang equally within, the masculine and feminine, feelings and reason, the wild and the civilized, order and chaos, structure and flow, benevolence and malevolence, life and death, then both sides of the polarity are embraced and nothing is resisted. The polarizing forces can merge together to transcend duality and become something new.
This is why it’s so powerful for lovers to polarize each other too. We grow from balancing, harmonizing, and merging polarities. To make the best choices for ourselves and each other we must be balanced within. Transcending polarity is too tall of an order for us as a species at this time, in my opinion. I am not interested in it on a personal level either, although I know it’s the future. Many are already transcending polarity through gender and sexual expression, paving the way, hacking down the old hard-nosed black and white system.
For now, balance and harmony of polarity is my personal goal. This is why I am surrendering so much right now, doing the opposite of the movie, “Fighting with my Family,” where her lesson was to fight fight fight. My current task is to surrender surrender surrender, bringing balance to the Yin force within. Each time I surrender and embrace radical acceptance for what is, I feel more at peace and have more ability to bring love to the present. This is healing the helpless feminine wound within. My strong and balanced feminine archetype is more geared toward Kuan Yin than Joan of Arc.