most intense dream ever. the past showing up into the present surreally, my work mixing with trauma, art mixing with therapy, nightlife mixing with a group therapy room. total chaos. as if my unconscious dumped out many folders at once. i woke up refreshed. cleaned out. slept five hours in a row too which is amazing for me. it’s proof of the inner work i have been doing. i am no longer integrating parts of self. i am now focusing only on true self and letting the old narrative of parts integration go. it’s been long enough and i am bored with the structure, the narrative. potent stuff is happening by focusing only on true self. that being the only story. wow. i am going from moon to sun. i am shining the moon like a sun instead of reflecting the sun like a moon. i feel so different. i have no desires for anything extraneous. i am pulled inward. cooling off. distancing. feels right and good and as if the murky lake is turning into crystal clear waters, in my heart. reading this book is effecting me. i cried reading a few pages yesterday. i cried because i remember (not in this life) my connections with alien life forms. being one and being human and being close to other alien life forms. my memories extend beyond this life and most people would think that’s wackadoodle but i don’t really care. i know what is true for me. i can’t paint very well right now but trying to paint the main character of my book. realizing i do need to stick with her original name. my mother’s name. the name that came by synchronicity is about me not the character. more to be discovered. maybe another book. i feel busy right now. busy with clients and writing and painting and discovering truth. it takes up a lot. do not want the influence of other opinions but sometimes an ally says the right thing. don’t want to talk too much either. blah blah blah blah blah. really been craving the sea. soon i will be on the east coast with my family and commune with them and the ocean. i am craving the trees. not to hike in them like a backpacking northwesterner. yawn. but to saunter, reflect, hug, sit against, lose myself in the transpersonal nurturing of nature. i crave touch so pure nothing replaces the desire. no food. no expression. no thought. it’s been so long. i am radically accepting the craving. i am radically accepting the solitude. i am radically accepting the work mania. i am radically accepting myself. i am radically accepting my health condition. i am wondering if maybe certain foods might come back in one day. maybe. i do miss tomatoes hard core. feta cheese. hummus. those are all super no ways now with dairy and nightshades being lethal to my condition. i miss the mediterranean diet. testing wine….oh i miss wine. it did not go over well. but i miss wine. i miss being able to sit down at a restaurant like a normal person. oh well. it is what it is. weirdo me. so much good balances out what sucks. miracles will happen. life is short. i am embracing this very short ride known as me. my dad asked me what i thought of the afterlife yesterday. i explained my experience remembering that it is different for every soul. there is variety. it’s not one place like a heaven. it’s not the same for everyone. life is much more vast than that. how we live our life determines the next life we will take. some will reincarnate here on earth. some wont. some are living multidimensional lives on many planes at once. some are not. some go into life review on the fourth dimension. some don’t. some become spirit guides. some do not. it’s so different once we lose the human suit the best we can do is trust the imagination and intuition to give us an idea. some of us also have memories. i remember being other life forms not of this earth very clearly. i miss some of those lives very much. why is my consciousness located here? a great mystery. we all have our versions of what truth is. we all trust our versions. we should because we have mostly our inner selves to go on….
good morning, thursday. soft emollient seattle morning air. birds chirping sweetly. another day alive. so much on my mind. i am watching as the compassionate witness. watching the pain body want answers, justice, security and most of all….abundance. knowing the pain body must not be in the driver’s seat. must not choose. the true self must choose. the only way for true self to choose is to get true self in the drivers seat. the only way to get true self in the driver’s seat is to be in a very disciplined and focused practice of mind centering on true self and not pain. using all the sensual magical helpers. obsidian, rose, lemon, creative expression, prayer, solitude. so much creativity is pouring out of my on the daily right now that i don’t want to socialize, i just want to write and paint. i am happy to be alone each day to have the time to write and paint. not much in the mood to talk to friends or go “do anything”. not true. would love to get out into some beautiful nature like the sea and trees. soon i will. would also love touch and closeness from my man but he is not available. god knows why not. but so it is. would love to be able to eat all the things i cannot eat but i cannot. what i don’t have, i don’t have. loss is real and also, whatever. i don’t say whatever with sarcasm. i say with is matter of fact logic and tired of fighting what must be. i am fucking strong is what’s happening. i never cared to be strong but here i am, strong. devoting to what i do know to be true in my soul. seeing my clients, painting, writing. most importantly….expressing. here to vomit and die. ha. just being silly. so much intensity and importance calls for a silly break and laughter at self. when i am writing, i am happy. so i am happy right now. i am happy to be writing this book. i may need to change the character name from my mom’s name to the one that came by synchronicity. i am also reading octavio butler’s lillith’s brood and loving it. my soul yearns to write write write. i am in a deeply transformative tower phase. the old is crumbling. the new is birthing. radical change is afoot. i want to thank the bar that became an instant attachment to me when mom died. where the first channel of the book pours of out. where kind and real people hold down the forte in a city riddled with fake and flat. that sounded judgmental. some places are just special. i am thankful for the bar and the store across the street that is my home and still my home after many left for reasons i don’t agree with but understand even if it hurts. compassion. this little home of mine, how long will it last. i priced out how much it would cost to do a somatic training in sydney australia in november. i want to do it so much. i want to go to austrailia and i want to get trained in this somatic practice. the full training costs near twenty thousand dollars but would transform my practice because i could offer somatic experiencing with therapy and that is super powerful. maybe i should see if i cam make it happen. i don’t need to go to australia to do it but life is short and i have an obsession with that country. the money invested would catapult me in making the money because of what i could offer. i want it. i know what i want. what is meant to be though and…are they different?
dreams the past two nights of my shadow sister. a shadow sister in a dream is of the same sex as the dream ago but an opposite nature. last night i was being sarcastic with her about the state of the messed up world. she did not laugh or connect to my sarcastic nature. we had just gotten close and then this seemed to ruin it. i was very hurt. i said i was leaving and she agreed. the feeling was one of connection suddenly and abruptly ending between two people and seemingly for no reason. the dream the night before a female cashier was trying to over charge me 54 dollars. she was 26. lots of exact numbers in the dream. i am a numbers person so makes sense. i held my ground with her but was very diplomatic in my arguing, saying that our memories are equal but different. by validating her she wound up owning up to her mistake. something here about validating the deceiver. something about last’s night dream about loss of connection. do i need to integrate with the shadow sister? the one who does not find sarcasm about the world funny? the one who is more serious about things? not sure. i wandered through the park on a beautiful evening. i jogged the streets on a beautiful morning. both times aware of this decision about whether to follow what i have built and persevere or to get a full time job in order to get licensed. path one is about enjoying the journey and facing the brutal internal lesson of trusting myself and having faith in uncertainty as the entrepreneurial path always brings with it. path two is about getting to the result, looking more long term, making a sacrifice but also having a sense of security and being able to lay off trying to be somebody for a while. meanwhile, the book is here, i think. the character. she is alive. the story, it’s channeling through me. it chose me. i am suddenly finding myself a fantasy sci-fi writer. not what i would choose at all. i started reading octavia butler and cannot put it down. she is the only sci fi author i can actually enjoy. i cannot stand overly logical prose. octavia is intuitive. seems i am following in her footsteps. seems that when the book comes and the character births everything feels right in my life. i feel happy. i can tell that writing is my deepest purpose. singing is the most fun. painting keeps me sane. being a therapist and reader is my duty. working is my love. i carry my big fat heavy briefcase wherever i go because i am on a mission. the big fat book and a journal and all the sprays, the rose spray, essential oil, thieves oil spray, breath spray, hand sanitizing spray. lipsticks, mirror, chapstick, wallet, phone, sunglasses, room to pack food and water. room to hold my life. wandering and heading to various places to sit with people. this is my life. it is strange to me today….
sadness. my dad is sad missing my mom and there’s just nothing that can be done for the grief of losing your spouse of 53 years. it’s different than losing my mom. my heart aches with grief but she wasn’t my every day person. she wasn’t my reason to live. she wasn’t my routine. my dad lived for her. she was his every day routine. he is that type of man. he serves. he doesn’t like attention put upon himself. he is a giver. my heart hurts for him. he would not like me saying this because he serves those he loves and would not want me to feel bad. i tell him it cannot be helped. i worry and feel bad. it is what it is. life is hard. my career path keeps me in seattle. my life is here. his life is there. my mom’s life was there. i have lived like a gypsy my entire adult life. straying from home is my way. i am a traveller. now i root here, or at least for now. i know i will live in other places in this life. i hope in other countries too. but i don’t cling. i don’t attach. really letting go hard core today. letting go of the desires that go unmet. just for now. just to feel some relief from inflammation. from being so passionate. the shadow is two things. it’s the dark side of our nature (the more banal term for shadow) and it’s also the side to our character we don’t identify with. the hidden side. the opposite of how we identify. my shadow self is sunny and light. she is carefree and self centered. she is happy and wealthy and maybe even arrogant. i am not afraid to say it. i am not ashamed. religion or morality hasn’t stained my love. i love all sides of me. i even love the horrible flare ups this autoimmune disease produces. i even love my belly. i even love the fat rolls. i am tired of identifying with being the queen of the underworld but so it is. i am the lamp light in the darkness for others. i serve. like my dad and my mom. i serve others. i serve with tarot and therapy. but there is more to life than service. she sat across from me. a mirror. serving too much too. so many of us do. can we let out the self centered sunny light hearted carefree side? can we be new? people are so attached to everyone (me included). we are attached to ourselves. it’s only natural…that you should feel the same way too. crowded house lyric. those gemini’s say the smartest things sometimes. four seasons in one day, my theme song and the other line, everywhere you go, you always bring the weather with you. i am craving what is new. i am craving soulfulness through and through. i detach. i witness. i look toward the sun within me much more than the one in the sky. what does she have to say? what is she seeking? she is seeking to create and expand and make love and roam and understand and grow and learn. lunar me, whom i identify with on the outside, intense scorpio and what have you, she wants to heal others so fucking badly, it’s a daily compulsion. she wants the human heart to awaken from the slumber of pain. even though i feel pain i know i am not pain. even though i cry i am not my sorrow. i feel my inner sun shine so bright. i am elevated by this light and i want everyone else to be too. it’s a paradox. you have to be the light to live in the dark. these words flow out of me. they wish they were song lyrics. i wish i was singing. my first love was singing. it’s all i did as a kid. writing came next at eleven and painting right after. but singing was number one and so fucking joyful. i wish sometimes, i could have been a lead singer and wailed my way into an early grave. maybe i was. sometimes living here in this madness is too much….but then it is not too much. janis, i am you. van gogh, me too. the outcast who wants to feel belonging. the rebel who refuses to belong. the lover who must restore every human soul to good as new. the lover who wants her man to possess her. the magical child who sees through purple colored glasses. the somber and wise crone with wrinkles laughing and listening to “spirit bird” by xavier rudd knowing this is her grave song. we all are here and then we are gone….
i realized what it is yesterday. with romantic love. i am done with a feeling. the feeling of romancing a man through being pretty, beguiling, magical, whatever the attribute. that’s why i was writing about not wanting a package of traits in yesterday’s blog. it’s no longer about that illusion, delusion, game, level of intimacy, whatever you want to call it. i cannot resonate with that at all anymore. i don’t need sex or a man or a hit of dopamine to make myself feel loved or worthy. i am over that level of receiving sustenance too. the new level…is heart. i seek a heart connection. just like i wrote yesterday. heart to heart connection. a feeling of love. i want to be loved for my heart and not my looks or magic or intelligence or whatever. i want to love for his heart too. by heart i mean soul, really. or essence. maybe that’s the best word. it’s the thing that makes you, you, and stand out as different from all the others. your unique imprint, feeling, personality, whatever. i am saying whatever a lot because i feel irritated with semantics. i don’t want to come across as intellectual. since my mom died i can feel her essence so much clearer because i long for her and her physical self is gone. i can remember her specific scent, the way her heart felt to me, her way of giving, her shadow and her light. it’s a strong feeling imprint of her essence i feel and miss. this is what’s important. not anything else. it’s as if her death is evolving my sense of loving romantically. i know we need to get our “needs met”. there is an equation to partnership. chemistry plus friendship plus similar values/vision plus willingness plus equality equals a sustainable garden where love may grow over the years. without chemistry, you’d commit to a friend. without friendship you are having sex with an enemy or stranger, without similar values/vision you’re at war with tomorrow all the time, without mutual willingness one person carries more than the other and without equality it’s like dating above or below your capacity levels. all are needed. equality is elusive by definition. for, it does not mean you are at the exact same place in your self evolution nor does it mean you are both completely independent and self sufficient. equality means you give and receive in harmony where your strengths and weaknesses are so that you make life easier on the other and where one carries more of the weight in one area, carries less in another. on another level equality means two people wanting the same relationship and able to feed it with equal energy. anyhow, this equation is real and needed. but that’s not my catharsis right now, nor my focus. right now i am feeling my heart longing for heart love. where my heart is the one he loves and needs and his heart is the one i love and need. no attachment wound games, no mating rituals, no bullshit. something more transparent, raw, authentic, deep, and soulful. scorpio style. rooted. i am inspired by the heart right now as mars moves through the sign of cancer. i am honoring the feelings. so much of my life is a disciplined task. the way i have to eat, my yoga practice, my writing practice, my climb up the mountain of being a business woman without losing the artist core of me….and so much of my life is also a grief journey and a big fat letting go. i am feeling a level of mastery here. i feel i can let go with so much more ease. i can even let go of letting go when i cannot let go. i feel my shadow too, she wants to be bad. i am not ashamed of her. she craves destruction, sabotage, deception, seduction, and oblivion. i am on no mountaintop. i am oh so human. pretty soon this body too will pass and this woman i am inhabiting will die. what a friggen trip life is. can i take more risks? can i trust myself more? i am leaving stories of self doubt. i feel willing to risk it all for the true expression of my heart.
i have come to to conclusion that dating is just not my thing. not that it’s anyones thing. but here’s the thing. nobody sparks me. it’s hard for me to feel a spark with a man. he may be handsome but there are many handsome men and handsome does not spark me. he may be talented but there are many talented men and talent doesn’t spark me. he may be silly, funny, intelligent, romantic, sensitive, fiery (on and on with traits i find attractive) and that does not create sparks in me. i am not sparked by traits external or internal. i am not trying to possess a package of traits. i am not trying to have sex with a package of traits. i don’t need to have sex. i am not trying to marry a package of traits. i don’t need to get married. i am not trying to escape into a package of traits or put a package of traits on a pedestal. i am seeking one thing. connection. connection is love and love knows itself right off the bat.
right off the bat even through the ego needs time because the ego tells a story of time for various reasons to verify its logic and calm its fear of intimacy. but really, love knows itself right away. and because i am so in touch with my soul self and not as much in my ego self most of the time, i feel that connection right away too. i know it. i may not know how easy or hard the connection will be to form or even if it will form. i may not know if it’s healthy for either one of us. but i know it’s there and i know it’s mutual and i feel the connection as quickly as love feels it. i also feel if there are past lives connected to it too. this is my experience. i cannot verify it and don’t care about that. it’s just how it is with me. i meet a man and right away i feel what the connection is between us.
i have had a handful of boyfriends in my life but only two were major loves and those two major loves i knew within seconds that is was a big love, a past life love, a soulmate love. they are all soulmate loves really, the big loves that is. soul to soul whether it is conflict or glory or comfort or both. when it’s not love, when it’s need or delusion, then maybe it’s not soulmate but quickly becomes karma. anyhow, i knew within seconds. both of these relationships ended because of differences versus the love ending. with the first love the romantic love ended about three years after we broke up. i still romantically love the second love. it is what it is. this is how my love life rolls. we can’t force things to be different. i love fierce and i let go fierce too but i cannot force the letting go, it just happens.
with my first big love, the romantic love just left and was completely gone when it did. our karma was over. not in my control. love is not on our control, is what i believe to be true. some people never stop romantically loving an ex. some people never find the love they are looking for. some couples have a second chance. some couples break apart and can’t ever find their way back together. some couples are more based on need than love. some people have many partners or a few and some have only one. i mean, on and on. love’s variety is endless. there are different kinds of romantic love too. you really cannot compare relationships. some couples are more similar and some more opposite. some unions are more passionate and some more grounded. how much of this is what we want versus what we are given?
i don’t know. my love life has sucked pretty badly for most of my life but at least i can i say that i have been in love and know what that feels like. it’s only sucked because i am a die hard romantic who has been single most of my life because connection is very rare for me. very rare. it just is. nothing is wrong with me. we are all different. i am not fearful of intimacy. i may have some preoccupied attachment wounding but i am also very much secure. self love and self worth have been my lessons. i used to not be so secure because i used to not love myself enough. now i do. i know my value. i am not seeking perfection. i am not even seeking ease. i am no longer seeking safety. but i am seeking equality.
not all connections are equal. i want a man who wants me as equally as i want him. i want a man who is equally as willing to put in the work as i am, to make the relationship succeed through the hard times, when the projections fall, when issues arise….because they will. i tend to attract emotionally challenged men. maybe because i am emotionally masterful. i tend to attract financially and pragmatically masterful men. maybe because i am challenged. i feel that we often attract and connect with who can help us and bring balance. i am not about a heavily independent union where two people live two separate lives and come together to have fun and provide support.
i want a union where two lives come together to make one life with two distinct souls offering two distinct values. i like merging and sharing, romantically speaking. which is funny cause with friends i am way more detached. i spend so much time alone by choice. i live very independently in my day to day existence. i do not like the idea of merging with friends the same way i want to merge with my love. i suppose this is pretty average. i am like a penguin. i just want the one guy to create attachment with and have that last. but i don’t want to have kids. never have. never felt the desire to mother or care take. never felt the need to experience that form of love. i suppose i know myself pretty well but i also want to remain open and not become too solidified. although maybe it’s ok to be solid. i can do others a solid if i am solid. i can say no and yes with greater ease.
i dreamed last night that my animus told me that i don’t attract men with enough leadership quality. by animus, i mean, three male friends (whom are not my friends in waking life) were all analyzing the guy i was telling them about, whom i was dating in the dream. cannot recall the details but he was a guy who did not return calls, show up on time, or communicate, etc. when the third male friend told me the leadership message, i was down on the ground between his legs looking up at him. very potent. it wasn’t even sexual. more like power. the power of my animus. my inner masculine energy. i woke up in the middle of the night saying to myself, “if the external world is a mirror for the internal world than i am not embracing my leadership qualities and that’s why i am attracting this in men.”
in jungian psychology and ancient esoteric wisdom (they are similar because jung translated esoteric wisdom into psychology) we are always attracted to our inner feminine (anima) or masculine (animus) in the other person and that’s what falling in love really is about. it’s about falling in love with the inner self. we project our inner polar force, yin or yang onto the partner. when it’s mutual we get into a relationship with them and only after the projections start falling away can we see if real love can grow, survive, and sustain itself. so in the beginning, if you want to attract a quality person, work on yourself.
our inner polar force is always what the ego does not identify with. for instance, i am a very mystical, sensitive, emotional, deep, relational and intuitive woman on the outside….therefor…my animus or inner masculine is very rational, aloof, intellectual logical, stoic, and independent. Which is hilarious because it sounds just like my ex and every man i have been in a relationship with! not hilarious, just on point. whatever your ego presents as, the polar force lives in the shadow or unconscious. the anima and animus are the key aspects, the yang or yin of our natures. very important because they guide us into relationships and ourselves.
a man’s anima is how he finds connection with others and a woman’s animus is how she finds connection with herself…but both attract our partners. our inner selves can evolve just as much as our outer selves.
this dream last night tells me that my animus needs to embrace more of his leadership qualities. i can see this. i do a lot of journeying and inner dialogue with him and he has been a stoic intellectual sailor preferring to hide out in solitude. i think of the king, stryder, in lord of the rings when he decided to come out of hiding and take his sword to rule. this is what my animus is going through right now. it is time to embrace my sword. this in turn, will bring into my life a man who is a leader too.
i woke up thinking about how i approach life. i allow spirit to bring me what i need because i don’t trust myself enough to know it. i know the internal stuff very much. i know unconditional love, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, wisdom, truth, and creative expression. what i doubt is how to move through the pragmatic world and my place in it. i always surrender to spirit to guide me and i am curious if there is something about choosing. getting to say, this is what i want and making it happen. usually, when i say this is what i want, it does not grow enough to sustain.
i see how different people’s karma works. you cannot use platitudes and say things like, “if you try hard enough it will happen.” i call bullshit. van gogh never got noticed in his lifetime and he is now considered a master painter. talented, well meaning, hard working people put all their effort into a vision, goal, or dream and it still does not manifest. while for others, their goal does manifest. it’s not all or nothing.
sometimes the soul is meant to learn surrender and to sustain from within so it needs to experience external loss to do so. sometimes a soul is meant to learn how to be empowered through external success. it’s different for each person. we each have our karma to bare.
but another thing i am coming to understand lately is that we can surpass karma if we can be truly present in the moment. being fully present in each new moment pulls all parts of self into a gravitational field. it’s as if self becomes the sun and all stray parts start to harmonize around central presence. this is a way to heal other than integrating parts of self. it’s much harder. to be fully present means to never tell a story about yourself or anyone else. ever. it means fully being in each moment without a past or a future and allowing the moment to guide. it’s master level.
anyhow, i wrote the first ten pages of my next novel last night. suddenly. a new character is born. interesting how this combines with the leadership dream. my dream is always to be published and to be a healer and artist combined through helping others by telling a story that awakens people. i will always see clients for therapy and tarot, it’s just who i am…but it’s not my dream…it’s more like, my duty, my daily, my rock, my essence. whereas art and writing is the dream, what inspires and elevates me. not only writing and painting myself but receiving the works of others.
the invisible man, the color purple, les miserables, lord of the rings, anais nin dairies, van gogh, picasso, chagall….i could go on and on….works of art are my bliss. so it music. i also dreamed last night that one of my animus pals was playing one of my favorite songs. i was delighted.
dreams are mysterious. life is mysterious. who you are is a mystery too…
i made this blog private for a few days, once again worried that sharing too much of myself was somehow a bad thing. but i am back to feeling it is a good thing. i really only share what i curate and it’s always with the intention to inspire, connect, bring healing and pioneer a more feminine version of being a healer in this world. that i can be my own person and share my journey while still holding boundaries with all of my clients both therapy and tarot.
tarot has much looser rules and the job is very different. as a reader i am a messenger for the soul. as a therapist, i am a mother for the soul. a mother and father. a soul parent, if you will. does “if you will” annoy you? i don’t mean to sound overly proper. it’s my authentic voice. currently, i am killing parasites, yeast, old crusty stories, and an old sense of self. i don’t know who the new sense of self is yet. all i know is that it’s the next incarnation of being healer and and artist. this has all been catapulted by my mother’s death. it makes no logical sense but the soul doesn’t ask for that. death changes you from the inside out.
i know i am much more of an internal based person than what culture values. i live heavily in the internal world. both are equal and valid and i love both and a major issues flares up in the bridge between the two, for me. maybe for you too. maybe the external world is more your forte and going within is very difficult, confusing, and riddled with self doubt. or maybe you are like me and going outward is where difficulty presents.
also some people are who i call “shire people” while others are more the elves. this is a lord of the rings reference. shire people aspire to live like a happy creature, make good money, have relationships, have kids, enjoy the pleasures of life, work hard and play hard, live mostly in the external. elves are those of us who are internally driven and motivated. we value evolving the self over making money, traveling, doing fun things, and often times having kids as well. we value healing and becoming the true self over owning a home or obtaining external reward. some are hybrids. it’s a spectrum like everything else.
just like avoidant attachment people attract preoccupied attachment people (the island attracts the wave), i think shire people tend to attract elves, in relationships. not all the time. my family, minus me (the odd duck) are all in happy similar unions of shire people. so maybe that means i will attract and an elvian man and not a shire guy. i am used to mating with shire guys. i am the deep internal one and he is the light external one. that works too. shire people are not fond of going within. they don’t find it fun. elves think therapy is fun. being one or being a client of one.
if i could afford it, i would be in therapy once a week for the rest of my life. i cannot afford therapy at all right now. wish i did. it’s fun. i love healing and growing. i love having an hour to talk all about myself with a trusted soul parent. i suppose i need to keep being the soul parent and hope the money grows. i have been using tarot as a means to connect with people for my therapy practice. it feels like a natural way to say, “here i am” versus trying to sell myself among the thousands. but it may not be working. i may need to find part time or full time work as a therapist.
i am moving at a pace that honors my shortcomings and the grief i feel. life is hard right now. i am in a flow where i give my services and then i am alone. there is not enough shire activity. it’s all helping others and healing self. a familiar place for me. the internal world too heavy and the external too baron. do you ever think about the balance in your own life? how much time do you give to your internal self versus the external things to do? how much do you value your internal self versus your external world?
what are your core values and where did these core values stem from? did they stem from what you have been taught by family or culture or do your core values come from within? do you question your core values or take them at face value? do you live in the way you emotionally react to others or dig deeper into the core feelings that need to be felt and seen to be released? can you see how you may be projecting your own insecurities onto those you love or the world? the questions are endless.
the day is sun filled today but i feel a bit low due to die off from my parasite cleanse. either that or i caught a bug. i feel mentally blah. i feel emotionally chaotic because i don’t feel anchored to a sense of self because my sense of self is in flux. i mean, i feel who i am at the core and feel safe and held but i just don’t know who i am becoming and if i will make a change of direction or not. i don’t know what i don’t know yet. life brings change. my mother is gone. i still cannot believe it.
addiction is real. two days fully off sugar (this meant realizing cooking with wine is also sugar) and my food cravings are finally subsiding. the flares got so bad i got scared. you know you can die from these flares if they get bad enough. people often have gotten surgery from them. hadn’t had it this bad in years. so scary. and here i am by myself, trusting myself. they are still pretty bad but beginning to heal. all from wine/sugar. this disease i have makes it so i just cannot stray from the strict. i have been frightened for two days. nothing like getting your life threatened to force you into restraint. and of course…it mingles with my mom grief and her cancer battle and bodies and life and death. the whole shebang. the whole body shebang. let me tell you, my respect and love for the body is my priority right now. if you don’t have your health, you have nothing. i am seeing very clearly how yeast is a living organism that gets the mind to crave more more more more and it’s real. very very real. yeast is not my friend. sigh. when you allow life to mold how you identify with yourself, it can be quite different than when you have the luxury to choose how you identify with yourself. for instance, having a disease out of your control forces you to identify with yourself differently that when you are in good health. when your mom dies, you question yourself. who am i now? what matters now? i am tripping on identity and how much we all live in the story of who we think we are…when really, we are not who we think we are. i can feel this living truth in me. how i identify with being magical, spiritual, deep, creative, financially challenged, more right brained, not much into science, a hedonist, compassionate, moody, etc….and yet, i am not these things. i am not who i think i am. i am here. i am me. i am not my thoughts. i am not my feelings. this is my new mantra. it’s not new to my mind but working on a deeper level. i have to rely on it to successfully transform who i am and i have to transform who i am to have health. death is doing it to me too. the mysterious movement of grief. how it changes us. we have a soul and we have a body. both contain life. one is not better than the other. body is feminine and life and collective and without purpose other than to grow and live and here now, express beauty, ascend, grow. the soul is specific. it is here to have a specific purpose and to penetrate the body and marry it, to have dominion over the body in a loving way to bring about it’s spiritual agenda. i am translating a vlogger’s translation of the emerald tablets and hermetic wisdom. old wisdom of how spirit and body work together. mind is an amalgamation of the two. mind is how we communicate. it’s body and soul thinking. the thoughts are both body and soul thoughts. my body wants certain foods. my soul wants to serve people. body wants to make art. soul wants to speak the divine feminine. and then there is mind translating all this. but mind is not just that. mind is also who we think we are based on how we are raised mixed with soul and body and trauma and pain. how much of me being a hedonist is rooted in me choosing food to replace the love i never received? this line of thinking. ok, i get off on tracking my mental identifications back to their root. i get off on digging into the dirt of the psyche like an archeologist. i like finding roots and i like pulling out the roots that interfere with growth (weeds) and helping the essential roots grow in the garden of true self. true self is the soul and body married and blossoming. too much to say on this. oh, and back to body, i need to get rid of all shitty makeup, non-stick pans, and plastic containers. parabans are toxic. it sucks to have to do this. ignorance is not bliss though. ignorance is more painful than awareness.
so much has happened the past few days…inside of me. and on the outside. worst flare from wine and sugar and coming to terms with the fact that i must overcome food addiction in order to be in autoimmune remission and how yeast is oddly this bridge between body and mind/emotion. processing my mom’s cancer battle through watching the netflix show “royal pains”. tears finding their way out of me in bursts. the kind of tears that don’t want a single word and contain no logic. withdrawals from sugar while tending to a hurting body and grieving heart in my urban ashram that my mom helped me decorate. she found the art deco rug. she convinced me to get the mint green couches and not the dark blue one. she bought me nice furniture i could not afford. she set me up so when she died, i would feel home. and i do. i could live in my place for years happily but i could also move happily. i could stay in seattle or leave, happily. i am flexible. i am sad. i painted a sad painting. i am lonely. for touch. for him. for laughing. for romance. i feel all i am doing is serving people, tending to my grief and body, painting and writing, on repeat. i feel impatient for more. for a new chapter, a new story, a new book. blah blah blah. my mother haunts me every day right now. it’s not something i want to talk about. it’s a feeling in there, deep deep in there. i hate processing right now. i don’t need to. but i do. and i don’t hate it either. i do it in the morning, with cards and coffee and my spirit guide guiding me. another day. another downward dog naked on the mat, humbled. another walk to the bus with headphones on. another soul sitting with me and me diving into their psyche with them, to explore, to heal. another meal cooked on the one pan that i know sucks and may be toxic and why i resist upgrading i do not know. another autoimmune paleo meal. no nachos, pasta, pizza, thai food, tacos, beer, wine, eggs, cheese, on and on. no sugar. killing the yeast. putting new home made perfume on the wrist. rose, lemon, water lily, and tree (forget the name). painted venus blue and now she makes more sense to me than her lily white ass. being silly. on purpose. because my heart aches. wearing a ton of turquoise to move the energy through me. keep it flowing keep it flowing. calling out to him to come to me and overtake me. no consent needed. intuition and bravery. passion and knowing. old world. i am safe…enough. watching the doctor show does slightly freak me out though. but i feel trust. there is light in this darkness. there is love in this pain. not all is lost. everything is right here and right now.