loving getting back to kundalini yoga. there’s nothing like it. it’s a spiritual practice that transforms body on a spiritual level instead of a physical level, through breath. but i also love my vinyasa practice because i love to transform my body from the physical level too. i am sure an advanced enough yogi could do the vinyasa practice from the spiritual body much more than me but i am still needing to build physical strength to do the poses and for me, the movement from pose to pose is the meditation, i don’t meditate after the poses. kundalini builds strength too as you do movements for minutes on end. it’s different. i like both. kundalini speaks to my true nature with spirit sweetness. vinyasa flow speaks to my animal nature with fiery endurance. both. variety. embracing my own path. not into groups or classes, except if i am teaching or running one. things are simple in there explanations for the brain to understand in psychology, yoga, metaphysics. the hard part is the practice. but some people want to learn a lot in the head. not me. my head gets it asap and then i want to practice. i have had many past lives on the yoga path. a chinese one for sure. i wonder what other lives? feeling like exploring again. feeling my subtle bodies. feeling pioneering. feeling scattered. yes, that’s it. scattered. i think of how a man grounds me. contains me. focuses me. how much i long for my masculine counterpart to do this for me. and for me to deepen him, enrich with meaning, make him feel his soul and touch his inner wisdom, breathe life into him. i love the symbiosis of romantic love. once the sexual organs come together the alchemy gets started. you get inside of each other. you provide what the other needs. you don’t hold it all…that’s codependency. interdependency is honoring your gifts and weaknesses and providing where space is needed to fill. i need grounding, focusing, anchoring. i am nebulous. but also i am very grounded because of my spiritual practice. just not my head. each day, a million ideas course through me. i start many writing projects and they get left aside. i ponder many classes that don’t get written. i need to choose and commit and make the next group happen, book happen, goal underway. instantly connect to him, i do. why? because i need him. but i know too much. that’s what sucks about me. well, i shouldn’t say that. it does not suck that i know things ahead of time and see an entire structure and its organic desires instantly. like, how i know he and i will balance each other out and i am not even with him yet. maybe i am wrong? i am not wrong. my intuition is strong. it’s more about accepting what i know. what i don’t know and where my self doubt blazes has to do with the wounded parts too personal to talk about here. the high priestess is smooshed by the fiery pain and doubt swords. but i am just watching both flare. get on the mat. watch the flares. get on the mat. watch the flares. over and over. no buying into the stories. no reacting to the same ole same ole. dead is that girl and born is this girl. i say girl intentionally. not as a child in years but as the magical child who is eternal. the power house within us all. our magical inner children. go ahead and roll your eyes and keep him or her or they shadowed. or admit that you feel him or her or they too. you feel their percolating urges a little bit from time to time. you know, this country is in such a state of fuckery and horrifying mess but it’s going to make us rise up and claim our truth. i am focusing on that. do you see my scattered thoughts here? like marbles all over cement. i am watching the thoughts dance and play while i know i need to commit to a few solids. book. group. practice. time to get on the bus in a few and head to the office. feeling excited to see my clients today because i have a to give. admittedly longing for my man. not even the whole true love relationship part (ok, yes) but more so in the moment, us taking each other down into the primal and unspoken fire of love.