this blog might be as long as an essay or short story because i am so happy right now after doing kundalini yoga on my day off, sitting in the shade outside at my favorite cafe still quite early in the morning. bliss. full on. i love this. love love love love love. i love writing, i love cafes. i love shade. i love cold brew with coconut milk. i love morning…
the sound of a loading truck beeps in the distance in rhythm with the sound of the espresso machine inside. the symphony of the city. life in variety. joggers running by. mild mannered people sauntering. one of my favorite trees in the city looming above me like a hand of god. the crows must be meeting elsewhere, where are they? i hear no birds (and just did right when i typed the line).
the cold brew was free this morning because i punched ten americanos on my punch card. normally cannot afford a big cold brew. extra special treat on what feels like an extra special day off. for no reason at all just….being alive.
kundalini yoga is what everyone who is a four in the enneagram should do. also, all alcohol, drug, food, and sex addicts. why? because it gives you the same pleasure hit, the same high, the same amazing feeling of love and joy inside. but without the toxic destruction. awakening the kundalini force within is what is missing in every one of us. the ancients knew and understood.
doing vinyasa is harder for me. it’s much easier to stay seated in half lotus meditating with certain breath and mantra for minutes on end. harder to use my muscle strength to slowly move from hard pose to hard pose. both improve me, restore me, balance me, keep me in shape and health on all levels. both are home.
feeling this bliss does not mean i don’t also feel everything else. i do. but i do with honor. yesterday i caught myself judging myself when i got really emotional and needed (or could not help it) to express my feelings and name them. this was concerning my mom’s cancer battle, family stuff. i witnessed judgement arise for how uncomfortable i make others feel in the exposure of my emotional intensity and comfort in expression. i let it go. to be close to me is to be close to somebody who does not rug sweep. i also learn to discern and know when to stay quiet and express later.
anger is hard to allow oneself to feel as a woman. we are taught to never show anger and to be good girls. i am learning how to express anger. i am learning that if i genuinely honor and feel the anger, i can name it and let it go. i am learning that it is love that brings up anger sometimes. it’s cause we love so deeply that we get so upset. you cannot have the dark without the light. when did everyone get so fearful of the dark side?
because of evil? people feel the need to name scary and horrible experiences and feelings. they call it evil. i don’t relate to evil as a concept. i am not denying its existence, i have felt its existence many times empathing psychosis in the collective. i am just more apt to name it mental illness when it presents in humans. when it presents in nature i am more apt to call it darkness, shadow, destruction.
gender is being destroyed by millennials right now. or rather, the gender binary. the concept of it, to be exact. they might say gender is only a concept and i agree with this. so i will name what is beneath the concept of gender that becomes the expression of the concept of gender. feelings. and feelings are different depending on the make up up of the recipe of being human. biology, epigenetic traits, conditioning, soul, etc. i hope that as the young people bust down the old stodgy binary conceptual lens, that they don’t try to destroy the actual binary or base level of vibrational reality. they can’t. night and day, yin and yang, still exist. but these two polarizing and balancing forces don’t need to express into the concept of gender so rigidly. this is my opinion as somebody who loves the opening up of gender into fluidity and understanding its conceptual root while identifying as a cis female, straight as an arrow and monogamous at that. this is my true expression. we all take our place on the spectrum and the two ends also exist.
that was a long paragraph inspired by a discussion of teachers last night at the teacher meeting. i liked being there. i liked being among so many creative people who teach continuing education. i look forward to teaching again this summer. i met a cool woman who may become my friend. though i was in somewhat of a crabby mood as i often am when bussing long to meetings. i have been quite crabby lately. i hope it passes soon an doing my best to witness with love. i love how the woman i met and i laughed easily. you know when you meet somebody and feel comfortable with them right away? a good feeling.
the book i was writing stopped flowing through me. i want it to return. come back muse.
i met my mom in a journey yesterday. she has shed her vivian suit. she is pure soul now. she said it’s too hard to explain how it works while being human but i could feel her essence without vivian and it was pure love. she put light into my heart. she told me to keep exposing myself to the world. i was washed over with beauty. i can truly feel the vivian part of her gone. really gone. it does not make me sad when i think about her. only when i think about me no longer having a mommy.
speaking to my sister about it comforted me. she is my touchstone to the planet now. that might sound extreme but my nature is such that i don’t relate to earth very much and touchstones are a real thing for me. if i did not have touchstones, namely family, i would float away. to an ashram or death. i have friends who are touchstones too but my sister is soul family and blood. that’s fucking strong. funny cause we are so different and yet it doesn’t really matter.
i polarize in order to catalyze others and myself into knowing the self more. in other words, i like to get close with those who are very different than me so that i can help them see themselves better and they can help me see myself better.
i feel like i could write for hours and hours but only this. blogging. free flow. i wish i could write my novel for hours and hours. thing is, i was painting the main character and i don’t like how she is coming out. i don’t like how i am painting and her image feels wrong. this stopped everything. i don’t know what to do. i feel i can only do abstract art at this point. i paint form and it looks the same as it always has and i cannot paint the same images anymore. i am in a trap.
i am hoping today to break open my perception. this day feels different.
if anybody is reading this, i am amazed. nobody reads this blog. it is private but public.
romantic love. oh romantic love. oh oh oh oh oh oh. i want to have something to say about it but i don’t. i swipe through profiles and don’t find him. i look for him everywhere. the cards say he is here in my life. over and over. so, it is me who cannot see. or he is aware of me or watching but not doing anything about it. i surrender.
not much else to say actually. my mind is calm and patient right now. my feelings are mild and sweet like a babbling brook, flowing, easy. i love the silver coin necklace around my neck that is way too dressy for this morning but i don’t care. i like dressing up for no reason. i like leaving blogs open ended too….