love and loneliness go together…

abyss cry last night for my dad’s grief and loneliness without my mom by his side. and how he is alone without family because the family he has left is home in virginia and washington. our lives take us where our lives take us. he chooses vegas. he is alone out there. without my mom. i wish i could make vegas home again. i stay open to it but seattle is where my license is, where my friends are, where my sense of home is and the only thing i see taking me to vegas would be some divine calling that told me to shut down my life and go. think i need a second coffee this morning. the clouds and rain are misting. open the window. let in the cool air. deep waters on a water trine day. deep dreaming. deep loneliness. not so much my own but in others. maybe my own? i don’t feel lonely but then i do. i feel lonely for a different kind of relationship. for my companion. i was ranting with my friend the other night about how sex is not so important to me anymore. i realize, sex does not occupy that much of my brain or desire. i want to have a consistent vibrant and fulfilling sexual life but i don’t need it with more than one person or every day of the week or with all the variety of toys, role plays positions etc. had my exploration days and i am over it. i don’t think about sex or crave it all the time. i am seeking deeper intimacy, spiritual merging through sex, sacred soul to soul love making, tenderness, or just your basic primal animal sex without the head involved at all.  nothing fancy. sacred or raw. anyhow, it was a realization. affection is something i like all the time. cuddling, hand holding, kissing, hugging. i am not very touchy feely with friends but uber touchy feely in romantic love. i miss having regular touch and someone to call babe and honey. i am lonely to feel this form of connection. i am lonely to text my person every day with basic banter. i also wish to plan a future and feel lonely for that. i love planning and want to plan with somebody and not alone. i love the structure of a closed and sealed soul union, it’s my forte. i am built for the monogamous union and yet never in one…like so many of my clients and people in this world who do not find the connections of love they desire the most. i feel more than ready to be with the love of my life and believe in it. just like my dad is more than ready to die and return to the other side and he believes in it now.  loneliness for death is real. loneliness for partnership is real. loneliness for community is real.  loneliness for friends. it’s all real. it’s heavy. it’s a bonafide longing. and i am feeling the loneliness in others more than my own loneliness but forcing myself to speak of my own and not try to avoid it. i know i must stay open to whom i deserve for a partner. no split men who only half want a relationship because they have not healed from the past or fear intimacy or whatever. no men who withhold affection, love, emotional connection. no men who want to change me into their version of me but i deserve a man who actually loves me for all of who i am and who tolerates my shadow side and flaws. basically, the man i deserve is all in and wanting me completely because the love is real and he knows it’s special. we share the same values and want to build the same kind of lifestyle. we have chemistry that grows and we are best friends. we are both willing to put in the work and effort to move through the hard stuff and own our projections. we both want intimacy. nothing less. i will stay single before settling. i am very humbled by this age. not looking for the shallow. not looking for validation. not looking for a shining knight or mr. projection. blah blah blah. i have said it all before. i surrender. the cards keep showing me he is here. i will wait until he comes forth…

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