depresso blog on saturn’s day

woken up by the very loud box springs of my upstairs neighbors having sex and now this morning i feel so very very tired. good for them, bad for me. i wrote to my building manager and asked if he might say something. i am unsure how to proceed but if you want something you must ask, so i asked. i dreamed about me and my sister being in some weird wonderland game center place, climbing through built in nature, what seemed to be dangerous terrain, she leading saying it wasn’t so bad. there were baby animals nesting in places. we finished the obstacle course and she vanished. i went looking and one of the people who worked there showed me her sleeping in this tanning bed looking thing, knocked out. the employee said the terrain is much more tiring than anyone realizes. somehow i think this is about grief and adjusting to life without mom. i am noticing how this week, i feel so tired by 5 pm. i want to see nobody and do nothing but watch shows and go to bed. i am wiped the fuck out. i feel empty inside. i feel sorrow. i feel flattened. and this too shall pass. maybe vacation will give me the deep rest i need. i feel so uncertain about my physical existence these days. flip flopping like a fish between stable ambition and growth and rooting to wanting to drop everything and leave and start fresh. i guess that’s my pattern when things get too hard. this time, i stay. this time, i commit. it goes against my neural pathway to flee to feel safe. i feel safe. i really do. i just feel lonely and flat. but this is how i cycle. the up will return and i will bubble with creativity, conversation, ambition, and vibrancy again. the low is flat soda, netflix, nothing to say, bad mood, overwhelmed with sorrow. i am doing surya kriya each day in hopes of bringing light to the dark. the routine of my life feels like it needs to change. i know…i know….it’s just not enough mirroring, not enough attachment, not enough relationship. again, not about friends. about partnership. about going through life with another and not alone. the sacred other. the man to my woman. the two not the one. the home in a heart and not just in spirit. i saw a condo for sale that could be really great and i think about rooting to this place. how could it be? sometimes i feel like i will die soon because i feel not made for this world. i can’t understand being me and it feels foreign. i feel depersonalized. i think i may be experiencing some overwhelm. it’s ok. this blog is depressing. sorry for my lack of inspiration here. sorry to me. nobody else is reading this. last night i got a very low sugar chocolate bar. under 10 grams. i caved consciously. i felt if i did not eat chocolate i would not be ok. the addiction took over? or maybe i just needed it? what’s the true story? i ate it and it satiated me so completely that my entire body relaxed and my heart felt at peace. no joke. this was the effect of one low sugar dark chocolate bar. so i ordered more to take on vacation. because i think i am not beyond needing food as medicine sometimes. finding the balance is the challenge. chocolate is medicine of the heart when i feel depleted. it does not cure the flat soda feeling but it satiates a lonely and sad body. it is what it is. looking forward to being on vacay and getting out of my routine. need it. need it.

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