yesterday was hard. such intense grief hit when i entered my mother’s favorite department store. i missed her more than i have missed her yet. it hurt to know she is gone. my heart dropped deep into a well of pain. i was hungover from having just one too many martinis. two is my limit for all alcohol drinks. always. no matter what. if i drink three, the next day i am destroyed. but it wasn’t just the booze that took me down. it was the conversation about humanity and my nervous system getting all worked up after clients all day. i was so tired and out of sorts sunday. oh yeah and let me not forget the other trigger saturday night too. the way my attachment wound gets triggered, too personal to write about here but what is the same for everybody is how when triggered we storm with pain and anxiety and our self worth gets caught up in all sorts of external and internal expectations. self worth should not be conditional. i need to write on my work blog about this. it’s a life mission. to spread the word and be a healing guide to help others feel their worth unconditionally. truth is this. the conditions on self worth take you down. for some, this taking down is internalized. i resonate with this myself. it leads to mental illness, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and addiction. for some, this taking down of self worth keeps them very controlled, making sure they do everything to feel that worth and get it from others. these types stay thin, fit, of value, making money, looking nice, being kind, etc. but the root is the exact same whether you get the accolades through control or fall into mental suffering from lack of control and feel outside of conditional worth. our culture promotes it too. if you cannot do all the things we see as valuable you are outcasted, labeled, teased, bullied, pitied, etc. but that’s all illusion, all lies. we are all the same beneath the surface. we all feel wounded with a conditional sense of self worth that vacillates depending on how “good” we are being. i am lucky. in my family there’s a root of unconditional love that has kept us all reasonable open hearted and above water. without that root, i might not be alive today or i might not be a healer. my sisters may not be happily married and making peace with themselves. we had our share of dysfunction and abuse as most do but that root of love was always there on some level we could feel. we all were so close to our mother at different points. i was not close to my mother until i was in my twenties. families are karmic. there is much healing to do. i am not close with one of my sisters and may never be because neither of us make the effort. i hope to keep getting closer to my one sister, niece, nephew and that whole part of my family. oddly, i feel closer to my sister’s half brother and his family more than my other sister. sometimes closeness is not determined by blood. my friends are family too. i am straying from the point. but there is no point. this blog is all about the flow. i think of my dad now. and i wish him only to feel safe and secure and for life to treat him gently. we are all doing the best we can. my heart strives to be tolerant and accepting of everyone’s flaw and shortcomings including my own. even to honor them. i get off any high horses. i pray for us to get off of the judgment train. we all fucking need unconditional love more than we need anything else in life. period.
i came to the cafe before my yoga practice today. wanted to write early early. today is the full moon capricorn lunar eclipse and i am feeling it strongly. both the pragmatic and the silliness of the sea goat. i woke up so early (5 am) and have been going at it for three hours now. my one full day off. hanging art. making oils. tarot reading i want to jot down here so i remember. there’s an inner battle about my path that requires me to perceive my life differently in order to tap more into the positive abundance of my path. yes, my path is burdensome. yes, it is dark night of the soul in the grief department. and i am doing what i am meant to be doing. i have the privilege right now to stay focused on my true calling as work and to keep manifesting the healer’s path according to my soul. this is a house 12 time, next two weeks. (mixing written numbers with symbols is interesting. i am drinking my 2nd coffee on the sixteenth of july). house 12 is the hermit. a time to go within to spirit and reflect. to meet this inner battle and to go through a perception transformation. i cannot see it yet. i know i am bouncing in my mind between yes and no and getting myself to a full yes. this makes me think of romantic love and how you can be vacillating due to fear and old patterns and not because it is the wrong relationship. shit, that’s deep. you can literally feel like a person is right for you and then wrong for you, back and forth (or at the same time) because of what he or she brings to you that is hard. maybe she brings you deeper into yourself, into intimacy, into commitment from heart and not out of duty. maybe he brings you more into the pragmatic, the senses, the moment, the logic of things. maybe it’s hard and scary to love and maybe love can be so much work and effort you just want to run away sometimes. i am having this moment where i am seeing how my ex felt about me mirroring how i feel about my soul purpose. weird. i get it. i get the vacillation so much. i get the desire to run, hide, leave, be left alone. i get how hard life feels. i feel it all. the wounded healer in me knows. the battle is real. i know the next stint of time is work heavy and pleasure light. but maybe i can kick up the pleasure with more art, writing, laughing, making each moment sacred. i made an oil at work yesterday that a fellow reader said smelled like midnight violet so i named it that. violet and touches of patchouli, vetivert, balsam peru, cedarwood, sandalwood, myrrh, frankincense, and lemon. anyhow. blah blah blah. (my ending to every blog?) today i will enjoy my day off and also get a lot done. started the keto diet yesterday too. more deprivation but the thing is, if it is true what they say, going this low carb may take me out of the craving zone completely. what a relief that would be. with the benefit of shedding needed pounds and of killing bad bacteria and getting fully into remission.
big energies right now. full moon lunar eclipse conjuncting pluto and saturn which is all conjuncting my north node. holy moley cow shit. i took out my dslr camera and even impulsively bought software to edit the photos i will take. impassioned by photography. i have ideas to make. new york me is coming to seattle now. in a theater near you. hyper longing for romantic love in all of its fulfillment and beauty. like a libra moon in hyper drive. feeling so awake, alive, creative. this all came after the worst perimenopausal stall on my moontime, where for five days extra my emotions were like seattle weather, sunny then rainy then sunny then rainy. why do i share the ins and outs of my feminine progressions? to bust shame and be a man about it. the man in me. i am so much man too. more like a gay man but a man. i am being silly but also honest. i am very integrated in my masculine-feminine energies. anyhow, i feel all over place. could not clear my mind at all during my practice this morning. it was like a gnat doing yoga. for real. i am so scatter brained that i felt like i could vanish. i know that makes no sense. at all. i make no sense right now. i am chaos. i am swirl. i know when i sit before clients this will all go away. the relational field will give me a purpose and a focus. same goes when i am creating art. or writing. before it’s back to this swirl. i feel very happy right now after the very unhappy premonopausal thing. now i see it. how fleeting feelings truly are. not to be counted on or trust to stick around but for sure feelings are a thermometer of the moment. with a strong masculine energy i can know the anger is hormones and not build a mental story around it. i can instead, go for a run. i can do this during the happy upbeat phases too by making art. not clinging. i wonder how this translates into romantic love for the sustainable long term, which is what i want. how to be in the flow with a man’s flow and let us both flow how we flow? cause men have their flow too. i suppose there needs to be compatibility there to a certain extent. not perfection but enough harmony. enough mutual desire to connect and individuate. i think, for me, it’s how at ease i am put by the man, that determines my feeling of trust in him. i have psychic senses that pick up on a man’s vacillation about me even if he says it’s not there. i need a man who is all in for me. wants me and only me. i am capable of giving this back. i am an all in woman. being attracted to other humans is no big deal either. i don’t expect attraction to not exist ever again for anyone else. but when you make a commitment and actually build a true love union, not just let a union petrify like wood from lack of work and care…then what you have with your person is fulfilling enough to not need to fulfill fleeting attractions. if you are monogamous that is. which i am. if you are monogamous and you deeply desire the newness mania or the game of the catch then you should not seek a long term union. i want to root and commit and build and grow. i like that. right now i do feel the passion for romance mania, aint gonna lie. i want my honeymoon stage. anyhow. blah blah blah. i want to be consumed by love again. i am ready. i got my camera, my service work, my practice, my health, my solid inner gay man, my enthusiasm. so mote it all be and stuff.
ok, peri-menopause. now. happening. sucks. awful. it’s so bad that just now as the homeless boy walked by all wrapped up in a blanket, asking us for money and sustenance from the cafe, i felt only a rigid “don’t talk to me” feeling. normally this would induce guilt but i have learned to not listen to guilt until finally guilt abandoned me. my emotions are so extreme from anger to sorrow back and forth. i have wrapped a story around these feelings about how i am filling too many cups and my cup isn’t getting filled enough. i am watching that story now but last night was sunk into it as if it was real. also last night, the invisible girl rose up in me. i have never felt her so clear and palpable. normally i only feel the teenage protector who is her guardian. the teenage protector is sarcastic and angry. the invisible child is sad and destitute because she is not being mirrored by her parents, she is not being played with enough, she is being abused by somebody, she is being made fun of by the popular kids and seen as the pariah. so her ego developed into a very mentally ill young person whom i have healed. i now have strong self worth, self love, and self esteem. yet being human is always humbling. old aspects can rise up that still need healing. and what is healing? healing is love. as the invisible child rises up in my heart and i literally feel unseen and beyond lonely, i parent her. as father i say, “the invisible child is rising up from the shadow to be loved back into the wholeness of the present adult and that is why this feeling is happening.” as mother i give the the hurt inner child unconditional nonjudgmental love and literally mommy her back into my adult confident self. as dad, i don’t buy into the stories that rise up like moles, one after the next. stories of me being (insert bad word here). i watch the stories pass by like clouds. as mommy i keep being gentle with myself and keep up with my self care practices. and this too shall pass and not only shall it pass, it shall be integrated and integration is healing. period. this is the work. i am in it deeply as hormones flare really intensely. the woman moving into her maturing years meets the little girl inside. the sorrow i feel for my actual father rains inside me too. this is the eclipse season. so many feelings. the grief i feel for my actual mother who now lives on the other side, is a spiritual grief. i don’t feel depressed about her being gone like my dad because my dad has lost his daily partner and it simply breaks my heart. and there is nothing i can do to change how he feels. i think of the homeless boy after writing and releasing all i feel. he is a manifestation of the invisible child. i could have been him had i not had the support from my father, to be honest to a humbling degree. i fully understand how homelessness happens in my heart because i have been so close to it but protected by my father”s secure attachment and support. he has been this blessing. i am thankful for the blessings. life is so fragile. i feel the delicate balance we all need to be here now. i am on my knees with all the feelings and with love.
today i teach my first healing with tarot class after a year of not teaching and a stupid fire drill just so happens to happen during it. which feels like a metaphor for my life right now and i think of that fable about feeding the two wolves. i want to feed to wolf of love and not of fear. this is just a drill, an inconvenience, a test of patience, a hold-up. patience is needed. if something “bad” is about to happen, so it will. i love teaching this class. i love teaching. i love tarot. life is nourishing in this way. i don’t want to feed the wolf of fear, anxiety, worry, and doubt. fear, worry, and doubt oh my. thank god for my yoga practice. today i mixed vinyasa with kundalini and it felt so so so good. i mean…so good. i love stretching out my physical body and i love the comfort and secure attachment that occurs when spirit arrives into the physical, through the kundalini. i think of eating meat. i cannot be on the yogi diet because plant based proteins give me horrible skin flares. i must surrender to being a carnivore. jaguar body, i tell myself.
today, the class. tomorrow the art walk newness.
back on the dating site with an open heart. i never left it but just wasn’t checking. now, i check again. i seek my man. i seek love to enter my life to balance all of this work, service, practice, and health stuff. to balance the solitude. to bring the basic and the goodness. who is he? i have learned so much from my past relationships. i see my shadow. the impatience. the anxiousness. the need to possess. i also know that the right person can put you at ease…if and only if, you are ready. if you are not ready the right person will send you running for the hills because intimacy will feel scary and uncomfortable. breaking old habits that keep us trapped is not just about booze, food, drugs, or whatever else you use to escape the suffering. it’s also about breaking the habit of avoiding intimacy. i have avoided intimacy through living in fantasy and through choosing emotionally avoidant men who want tons of space from me. what if i stopped fantasizing and opened myself to a man who feels comforted by closeness with me? we all have attachment wounds. i am also very secure in my attachment.
i am more secure than anxious.
but i still see my anxious avoidance or how i acted with my last ex. his avoidance showed up through not sexually showing up, through putting me on the witness stand, through shutting my affectionate words down with mean or aloof responses. my wounds were pinged by that and i got more anxious, impatient and needy without realizing it until i acted out of line. wanting to control his behavior and hurry intimacy because i feared it wasn’t really there or that he would keep blocking it with bad habits. and maybe intimacy wasn’t really there? i think it was. i feel that deep down. our timing was off and also he has a really bad communication problem that escalated all of my upset feelings. he once said it in a brilliant poem, something about communicating to not escalate. he knows. so either he did not feel as strong of love as me or he was too scared of the strong love he felt. still, he is the strongest love i have felt and still feel. it’s fucking humbling alright.
i feel ok in the humbling loss and in the unknown.
i let go of control. the death of my mom, the death of being able to eat like a normie, the grief i feel for my dad, the cancer battle before my mom’s passing, being too alone on a personal level, and all the service to others is literally stripping me of control tactics and also of doubt, oddly. all i have left is trust and an open heart. i think that’s coming from my spiritual practice too. i feel happiness inside a lot. fell into darkness over the weekend and monday and tuesday too. not too bad. just feeling empty (not the good kind of empty) and angry. sick of saturn taking everything away and pluto putting me to my knees with loss. sick of not having. the ogre in me (we all have the inner ogre) ranting and raving. it passed. it always does. we fall. we get messy. so what. who cares. i am not the ogre.
i am wonder woman.
the white knight in me serves my clients so we can heal the world. white knight is taking up too much space. the princess in me wants the lover knight to ride in on his horse and save me from drab sad romantic loneliness. i give compassion to the princess and do my practice to help her have patience. she is not being tended to now by that kind of white knight but i do lots of love in my life with my friends, my sister, my dad. the ogre took the driver’s seat over the weekend and now it recedes into the shadows, somehow deflated and calmed. round and round the subconscious goes. it is not who i am. i am love. i am awake. i am empty of karma. or so i am working on it. being free of karma is my own journey and i do not need anyone else involved. no matter how close i get to my partner…
my spiritual path is solo journey and meant to be that way.
last night i had another really scary grief cry. i am learning that there are many kinds of grief and ways to grieve. for me, i am losing my partner, my security, my rock, my sense of home. this would be losing my mom and eventually my dad, who is very ready to go to the other side. i no longer choose to put a story around the shame and embarrassment i feel for them being my sense of home and security at this age. in many countries, this would not even be judged but here in the states, independence at age eighteen is what is valued. i choose to give myself compassion for the many years where mental illness was stronger than my ego development and ability to “join the world” as a functioning member of society. i used those years very well making art, healing, reflecting, all things that have turned me into the master of healing i am now. i used to run from being the healer that is my soul calling, resentful that my calling was connected to so much suffering and shame. no longer do i run. when those grief waves hit, it’s scary because i feel the bottom drop out beneath me. i don’t feel connected to anyone in a way that brings me that sense of security and nourishment you get from daily interacting with a partner, a child, a spouse. it’s not about friends or community. it’s about home and family. and financial security. the loneliness is palpable. it was one of those weekends where, if it wasn’t for needing to check in with my dad each day, i could have died and nobody would know. i made art all weekend, literally. i self soothed making piece after piece. for hours. i have pms bad and i always feels so extra when i do. feelings rise up. it was empty last night reading tarot at the bar. for some reason the martini really went to my head. i felt in another world. i felt love but loneliness. unmet loneliness. then when i got home it hit. the tears. the grief wave. feeling the bottom drop out from under me. feeling too alone. too scared. too overwhelmed. there is nothing to fix or solve. these waves must crash and be felt. luckily, in texting my dear friend, he reminded me i was having a grief wave. i did not know it until he named it. i thought it was just a loneliness cry. i am not ashamed to admit that i feel like i need my partner by my side. my life feels so empty single. not my purpose, as that is strong, i spend most days helping others heal and it is rewarding to be contributing and part of this world. at the same time, my personal life is vacant. i am of the age where friends don’t hang out like you do in your twenties and thirties, where friends are the rock and the family. i had that. now, everyone is partnered and off in their little worlds, their little rocks. i told myself last night that maybe i don’t need people as much as it feels. that i would become joan of arc and continue on with my practice. find all the nourishment inside of me, with spirit. i simply cannot live in the story that there is lack. not anymore. i am thankful for my sister, niece, nephew and family i do have. my dad of course, who waits his turn to get the hell out of here. i don’t blame him. i have spent my life wanting to get the hell out of here. but now, i want to be here now. i want to experience the basics of being human. a partner, stability, intimacy, some fun. basics. i wonder if i ever will or if my life will always be one of the solo healer giving all her knowing to others and spending all her free time evolving her soul in somber reverence until death does she part? i don’t feel it’s the latter but life is making it such that i face the latter, and in a way, surrender to it. surrender to what is. softly. i feel so different than everyone else this way. but if i joined an ashram i would not. or maybe i run away to europe when my dad passes and find someone to hire me under the table at a restaurant or book store. or maybe i stay right here and build my practice and make art and wait for him to form a little bubble called home with in a nice peaceful location and experience the basics i crave so much. maybe he finds it endearing and comforting how spiritual i am. maybe i help him find his true self inside and maybe he is my rock.
another chilled grey sky morning here in seattle. not summer. sitting in the cafe by a warm yellow light on the second floor, good music playing, coffee, readying for my busiest day yet. a hallmark. learning curve too. learning how to be present for each soul and story. fully. i feel as if my life is all challenges right now. i got this. i am joan of arc. committed. fourth of july. all the mixed feelings. could care less about fireworks. asleep before they fired off. spent the day off alone, wafting through the city after my kundalini practice. printed images to make paintings for the art show next week. want to make playful pieces. read in the bookstore. my legs heavy from my practice doing 108 leg lifts. oy. grounding. letting go of the past. over and over. my heart hurts from how i did not receive love from others and myself in the past. i feel it and let it go. love is the hardest thing to do. it is much easier to judge and be self absorbed in your own reality of what you think is or should be. we are all so self absorbed. even those who live to help others do it to feel loved, valued, and right. nobody is selfless except the gurus. and this is not a bad thing. humans are supposed to be self centered. we care for others and want to see our loved ones happy and at the same time, the way in which we behave stems from trying to get love or push love away.
so, we all have these three parts of self. the white knight, the princess, the ogre. those who are white knight dominant (male or female) get love by serving others, doing things for others, putting others first. those who are princess dominant get love by being the ones the white knights need to help, serve, or save. those who are ogre dominant push love away and tell everyone what is wrong with them, life, everything. we all have all three parts as we all are meant to be in balance with these parts. we are meant to give and receive and call out the shit that aint right. but as it goes, most usually pushes two thirds of this trinity into their shadow and identifies heavily with only one. the do gooders are the white knight dominants, getting love through making others happy and hence, others are pleased with them. the princesses dominant are the vulnerable ones who get love by needing to be helped, making others pleased with them through needing their help. and the ogre dominant repels positivity and attachment and tends to be more alone or always critical of others. these parts can show up in family, work, community. the key is to let out the parts in the shadow.
an unexamined life is not worth living….
fourth of july and i could care less. i am thankful for the freedom of speech i still have and that i can dress how i want and don’t have to subordinate to a man. i am not for the decimation of the native american population in order to make this country what it is. mixed feelings. not to mention this country’s current leadership being the biggest shit show possible. i don’t like fire works. i do like this country though. not the leadership and not the native oppression and not the rampant racism and polarized infantile war. but i do feel home here and i want to see the beauty. i love seattle. even with the seattle freeze. even with too much grey and rain. all of life is plus and minus. dark and light. i ponder staying on the hill or leaving it. my home is always on the hill but should i move closer to my office or more in nature? have a change? i never know. i always ponder. i am too flexible to the point where decisions become tricky and hard to make. i tend to glom to another’s opinion to help. only certain things am i decisive about. it’s annoying. but i love and accept what is annoying about me. i find it endearing. i love flaws and weaknesses. i do not enjoy perfection. perfection feels void of richness to me. please be your individual self mixed with light and dark. the friends theme song is playing in the cafe and bothering me. i feel slightly cantankerous so far today. somebody is hacking away. get me out of here. what is my prob? it’s the cancer energy. that’s all. i don’t take it personally. the sun just came out. i am happy to have the day off. i don’t have much to say. i need to paint. i want to paint. i am wondering what caused the flare i noticed literally one hour after told my sister on the phone that i was going into remission again. wtf? really? i am so annoyed. the pendulum said it’s the scotch. not the almond butter or probiotic. i am so sick of this shit. i may need to go full aip cleanse phase again. the pendulum says vodka and whiskey is ok but not scotch. barely? peet? i only had a little. who the fuck knows. i feel like cursing. i am sick of this. it’s really hard to have an autoimmune disease. specially one that is ugly and so persistent. i am not a normie. oh well. surrender. it’s all one big fucking surrender. fuck fuck fuck. glee is underneath the fuck feeling. i know it is.
two days of rain and colder weather. spent my day off doing….not much. solar eclipse new moon was spent feeling it all. did readings with my friend and got the message for this cycle. victory is the theme. interesting. i am feeling victorious over myself lately as kundalini yoga is changing my entire life…inside. i had to let go of eating bread, back to mostly AIP diet, and it did not bother me too much. i am finding fulfillment within. light within. happiness within. the outside world is much more challenging because of my life story and how it’s rolled. but i am making it happen. little by little. building tolerance. kundalini yoga heals the nervous system. i am so calm. i am learning patience. my mantra is: i am a spiritual body. over and over. i am brining spirit to body and this yoga is the practice for that. still feeling my twin flame but i have not journeyed to see him again. i will. i feel him. he is sensitive deep down but doesn’t show it. he is busy. he is manifesting, doing a lot. his true self needs more attention. i want to give that attention to him. i want to lure his true self out of his shadow. i want to love him in the third dimension. i wonder who he is. i am allowing myself to feel romantic and open. the pragmatism i save for my work and my practice. i have to get pleasure how i can. yogi bhajan said life should be happy and not to work hard in a video i watched yesterday. i was profoundly effected by that. i feel the truth in this. i feel the truth of how judgment is the root of making life hard. there is nothing to blame. we only need more love. we can allow for the variety, for weaknesses, for pain. it’s not about being fair. life will never be fair. it’s about being love. love makes it easy. but it’s hard when the old program wants to grip. all those morals and judgements of how you think life should be or how people should be, let it go. let it slide down the drain. love is all you need to treat yourself and others properly. love is practice. love is devotion. love is routine. love is service. love is surrender. love is strong. after my practice this morning my body swelled up like a balloon cause i added cardio in the mix. looking in the mirror i could feel the old story wanting to present of how i don’t look pretty. but instead i ignored that story and gave tolerance and patience to the yucky feeling inside. this is the cancer solar eclipse energy. can you give patience, tolerance, kindness, nurturing to yourself and others and not create harsh dramas that all stem from your own internal judge thinking you know what is best for you, what life should look like, and how another should behave and instead allow love to penetrate all of the judgement? now that’s a life sentence! one that i happily take on.
i am so tired and it’s night and i never write at night but trying new ways, new things. the solar eclipse upon us. these past few days i have been meeting my twin flame in journeys within. he tells me a lot. he tells me he is the more emotional one who has trouble with words and i am the more mental one who is good at speaking. he says he is good at manifesting where as i am not very good at that. he says i am going to help him connect with his true self and may come to me in crisis at first and not to judge him. he says he is the moon and i am the sun. he says he does not want to wake up any morning without me ever again. he is sensitive, romantic, intuitive, we laugh, we get each other. he says i am communing with his soul and his ego up in the regular realm is not the same….yet. i will help with that. he will help me manifest. he says in the ego world he is always busy and working an juggling a lot. in my journeys he is sweet and confident and more connected to the feelings of things and not the mental realm as i am. i feel him. today i get a reading telling me to let go of who i want my true love to be and who i think he should be. be open. he is gonna be different than i expect. let it unfold. i can understand this and to be honest, i am worn down from love not working out. i am worn down from disappointment. i am not in my head anymore. i am all heart. i am open, vulnerable, and willing. all i need is for him to kiss me. it’s in his kiss. i have nothing else left in me but to surrender to him. my time left on this planet is short. 40 years maybe, if i am lucky. it goes so fast. i wish he’d hurry. i am too ready. i have not been with any man since my last ex. i don’t find love easily. i am content to be alone over being with the wrong guy or a guy i am only so-so about. i am used to being alone. i have the most comfortable bed and awesome mornings. i have my structure. but without him i feel empty inside to a certain degree because a large part of me is woman and she wants man. it’s pretty simple. life is busy these days. service and practice. service and practice. my personal life is not good as my work life begins to flourish. my personal life is happy when i can be by the water, make art, meet with a friend. but nothing replaces me and my twin flame and our shared love. true love or bust. he is in my life and soon to kiss me and make me his home. i have hope. i have love. the eclipse is draining. i am drained of life force. i must go go bed early and sleep deep. brush teeth and climb into my comfy bed in my bedroom sanctuary and allow the night to hold me like a lover in sleep. i was trying to see if i could bring bread back in but no. major flare up. i must settle into this aip way of eating. i must let go even deeper. it’s all letting go. all surrender. i am changing so much.