writing this blog from the car in the back seat heading to virginia. vacation over.
melted down on the top floor deck last night. feeling the death of what was and scared shitless and sad and worried. a dark storm rolling through, cleansing my system of fear. didn’t want vacation to end. needed another week. part of the family. a singular woman whose led a different kind of life. not wrong or bad is who i am or how i have lived. all is meant to be when we make the intention to grow, open to love, keep trying, keep taking steps to change. all is not meant to be when we get stuck, give into fear, blame outwardly and refuse change. change is so fucking scary.
this week brought huge change for me. i realize i needed to be basking in the joy of family, sea, boating, and rest to allow the change. to come off the full aip diet and begin to heal my autoimmune more holistically by learning that energy is stronger than matter. it’s the not the object itself, it’s your relationship with it…that matters. it’s not the bread, it’s your relationship with the bread that creates the effect on the body.
yogi b. is teaching me. he said belief creates action. if you believe foods are good or bad you will take action to eat the good and avoid the bad and keep the black and white way of reality going. this black and white perception creates sickness and harms the body. to heal, i slowly change. starting with breakfast challenging the black and white narrative, changing my belief, healing my relationship with food and my body. breakfast is new non-aip food to satiate the beast and honor satiating the beast, learning that the relationship is stronger than the food itself. i am also to bless and honor all i eat.
yogi b. is teaching me so much. he says i can heal this disease through kundalini yoga. i will. i am a master healer. this is why i have been so alone. to train. to become the master of this art.
god, i just love the beach too. i loved being on the pontoon. i love that with my family, i can not have to talk, i can just be. it’s easy. we had a perfect week. i enjoyed walking solo on the beach at 6 am, talking to yogi b. in my third eye. i love that sister said she likes him. something big happened this week too, that is too personal to blog about. healing occurred and the sea facilitated it. i feel part of my family more than ever. i say goodbye to the attachments i once had that are now gone.
i find it interesting how we each have our own very personal story with family. my sisters story is hers and hers alone. my story is mine and mine alone. each person in the family has their own personal narrative of self and the others in the family system. conflicts only heal when we recognize and honor that each of our stories are valid and suited to our own growth and understanding. i see my sister’s story and she shares it with me too and i am moved by it. mine is very different. and then we meet in some very key places both light and dark as all of life is light and dark and always will be.
i am inspired by the way each soul in body lives a purely subjective inner life that cannot be experienced by another. we can share bits and pieces but truth be told: we are born alone, we die alone, and our life narratives are our own and only our own.
the sea gave me a new book idea about this. my sister said i need to write it and when she did a golden halo was around her and i knew it was true. i am so fucking inspired. so when i get real sad that i am alone without a partner, i find comfort in my inspiration.
yogi b. said my true love will be three things, not him but our connection. i will feel loved securely, have fun, and…shit, i forgot the third….loved, fun, and? wtf?
yogi b. has told me so much. i will be doing the surya kriya for forty days. oh, he said my purpose is also three fold but all boils down to the root: to heal and awaken through inspiration. as a writer, a therapist, and just by being (like a crystal). fun, loved, and???
my favorite day was the pontoon day. boating is so much fun and so peaceful. i made yummy frozen drinks for everyone. i got a flare and didn’t freak out. our family laughed about our anxiety. i wish we had another week. i want to walk on the beach every morning at 6 am. i want to live on the beach. i fell for carolina beach and willmington north carolina. i could live there. i see this happening one day or maybe it’s just fantasy. who knows. seattle is home for now.
this world truly is an illusion and that is why energy is more powerful than matter. because all matter is a consequence of energies mating. my brain sees the metaphysical infrastructure so clear and yet i can hardly see what is right before my eyes.