love rules imbalance and births buoyancy

i am healing the pancreas, liver, gall bladder, my heart and soul. i feel like running away from my life, hard core. i recognize i am not in balance. even my supervisor told me to begin contemplating how i can have something else other than healing in my life. for real, i am always in a healing mode, whether for myself or others, whether therapy, tarot, body-mind-self, and it occupies all of my thoughts. i am obsessed. i have lost the desire for other things almost. have i? it seems so. it seems like i am a healer in a routine, rinse lather repeat. not healthy, right? but maybe it’s ok for a stint too? i am confused. i feel happy inside a lot of the time. just for being alive, not for any reason. i feel richness with my clients and my own healing path. i feel determined. but lately not so much. lately, burned out. lately, feeling huge needs for adventure, nature, sex, touch, laughter, nothingness, creative expression, and rest in my soul. i am very lucky to have the privilege in life that i do that seems to balance out what i keep not having. desiring romantic love, big time. desiring for my feelings to matter and for the light to shine on me some too. desiring to climb a mountain and float on water. desiring to have the kind of fun that releases everything in your body. had another realization about my ex yesterday when contemplating what aspects of him attract me and how i can be those aspects myself. his sense of adventure and buoyancy. when i had a car i was just as adventurous as him, was always taking off on day trips and driving all over doing stuff. the buoyancy not so much but i do feel it in me. a lot more since my mom passed away and i can feel relief for her liberation from suffering. buoyancy and grief go together in this way for me. my friend helped me to see that once my ex and i became official, all the buoyancy and adventure left. he got all rigid with needing to go to the gym all the time so he could drink less and get in shape and suddenly he needed to be with his kids a lot more and one moved back in with him and they took up more time than when we were just dating but not in a relationship. so for these reasons he lost his buoyancy, or a lot of it. me…well i was a shit show. finishing grad school and dealing with my mother’s suffering and impending death. i was not at all light hearted. together, with out two anvils we fell into such a serious, anxious, structured place. not to mention, my big realization of how i did not trust him. i so did not trust him that i needed a structure for the least amount of time we would spend together. not good when you need to start off a relationship mandating time spent together. lame. i was fearful from the get go with him cause i sensed him needing his freedom and being torn about being with me, whether it be me or anyone. all in all, i have come to understand that two people can be so well matched but the timing can be utter crap. i think this was he and i, twins and opposites who made each other shine and balanced but his inner unhealed stuff, my anxious stuff, the timing…sucked ass. i still try to make sense of this due to loving him still and needing to tell myself over and over that i need to let go and make myself available for the man who is available fully without the torn piece, without the inner divide. i won’t fantasize anymore that he returns a thunderbird, realizing we are meant to be and wholly ready to partner. my fantasy life is null. i am voiding it. and now i am trying to integrate the things about him i loved. sense of adventure. buoyancy. his charisma. he is brilliant. i miss him. dammit. i wish i could be his friend. but i cannot because i am too attracted to him romantically. i must enter the emptiness. i have crushes on other men, don’t get me wrong. i could easily love another man too. i don’t hang on even though my love is strong. it’s like, if it cannot work out due to differences that cannot be settled, i will let go and know there must be another. i am open to love mr. right. i believe in a mr. right. i believe in being surprised by who he is. i believe in the big love. maybe you don’t always get to be with your twin flame? maybe my ex is my twin flame and that’s why i love him so hard? maybe my twin flame is another man and i won’t know it till i know it? i haven’t the slightest clue. i am fully confused. i admit i don’t know. all i know is that i am going to stop living in fantasy. i am open to the relationship that can actually happen. i am so sick of being single. i have not had sex in a year and a half. tmi? who cares. we are all alike. we all yearn. we all long. we all have hopes and we all get burned out too. i am human. i am humbled. i have hope. all the h words. yes, my life is imbalanced and yes i will find the balance. tinker tinker tinker. i feel happy in my core. i feel buoyant in my core too. i feel sunny and ready and bright. my sense of adventure wants to come alive again. the world is falling apart too and if it does, i am here as a light. hashtag love rules.

longest feel good writing ramble…

whatever, so the blogs will be boring. i am ok with this. health journey. i find the sore spots on my hand and see what’s off in my body. i fell out of ketosis this week and my pendulum (whom i named sheila) told me my kidneys were taxed. so i looked up kidneys and realized i was over-consuming salt while thinking i was getting my electrolytes in. avocado also has too much potassium when the kidneys are taxed. went through this same process with the pancreas. will i find my way back into ketosis? yes, i have hope. my carbs are low and i am lowering protein and increasing fat. can’t do pork cause they eat wheat and barely which made me flare. finally the flares are beginning to vanish. hoping the almond butter can be ok. i think so cause one night i binged on it, coming out of ketosis carb land and the next morning i was in the most ketosis i have ever been. i think cause of the fat from the almond butter. it’s so tricky. sheila says the organs need to adapt and that it’s not the carbs. we shall see. experts say it can take months to adapt. you only know by testing blood and not urine. urine shows only ketones being peed out. not the same as blood showing ketones being used. ketones are fat and adapting means body is using fat as energy. i want so much to adapt! it’s really hard. for me. cause of the autoimmune issues. but i am not giving up cause this should be a big healer for me. i am preventing all the bad things that happened to my mom. catching it all right on time. it’s fucking weird. to grieve her life once her ailments began through healing my body before they get to that place. one of my sisters battles her body’s bones. my other sister had thyroid cancer, as did my niece and also major gut issues. i know in my gut that these autoimmune issues are passed down the lineage, the physical body expressing ancient emotional wounds. toss in the shitty food and chemicals of this country. there we go. i am healing it….healing it….i am healing it….healing it….because i know…..it’s my karma….

so life is boring….

but i did a brave thing in my heart….

i made a huge dedication to myself….

to only give myself to a man who cares about my feelings, shows up for who i am, is emotionally available….

to not give my heart to the man who is all about himself in darkness or light…who fears intimacy….who rejects or puts a partner on a pedestal (both intimacy avoidance tactics).

no more.

i am going to experience available mutual intimate love.

i know where i messed up in my last relationship. i know i was impatient, i lacked trust, i could not get fully on board. how much was my impatience and how much was intuitively cutting us off before things got worse? i will never know. but what i do know is that when a man begins to unconsciously push you away with flippant responses to your affectionate words, inches away from wanting to be physically near you or have sex with you, chooses beer over intimacy in moments when intimacy is most natural, and feels he is being infringed upon by your presence…it is not available love.

i know i am an intense soul who wants deep connection.

yes. embrace. once i am with a man, i am with him. lives joining together as a team from the get-go. this is how i roll….

i know the right man will care about who i am, care about how i feel, shine the light on me and not just himself, not try to woo me with false bullshit like impressing me or sacrificing himself to serve me. i want none of that.

i want real connection.

i have been so bored lately. i am not shamed to say this. bored with being so disciplined and not really having any fun. but man, is the healing profound in this boredom. catharsis every day. every day, letting go. so powerful. the boredom is worth it and will pass. everything is cyclical. i am ready.

i am ready for him to enter my life. i am ready for a serious dedicated team work relationship of two souls in love and passionate for each other.

this blog is very long. i don’t mind. nobody really reads it. it feels good just to write. i have been desiring to blow up my life and move to a new place and return to my roots as a spiritual healer and artist and writer so i can live where i want. living here is very very very very expensive and getting worse. living here is often boring me. i love it here though. best city ever. but i dream of other places, i do. i dream of willmington north carolina, of san diego, of returning to missoula or santa fe…i am the type of person who can blow up my life and become a bartender, tarot reader, writer and ditch my career because it’s not making me happy anymore….

but i am building a solid practice, i love my clients, i love sitting with them. i love being a therapist despite how hard it is to always be in the pain of others, guiding them through it…

i feel torn between honoring my gypsy spirit and desire to move and honoring my new career i have worked so hard to build.  am enjoying my work and success….

i will hold the boat steady.

i won’t run away or glamorize the gypsy….

i still crave to write the book that will set me free financially…..always the struggle i am learning to embrace….

i wonder what will happen when my father passes. with my mom’s passing i have become the most disciplined healthy monk of a person, committed to my health and boss bitch (said with love!) with my career. i climbed out the “i can’t” and now i know i absolutely can.

with my mom’s death i also fell into more solitude and desire for it. i also fell into a place of deep inner security that doesn’t want the shallow dopamine hits of men, food, etc anymore. maybe still with buying stones but it’s greatly reduced. i am liberty.

i don’t know who i will become with my dad’s death. he has been my rock my entire life. i am not ashamed to say this anymore. i don’t care how others judge me for being different than the cultural value of what an adult looks like. i am an adult through and through….and for every person who is completely independent financially i trump them with emotional independence. i am self reliant in ways most people in this country will never know in their lifetime. we all have our strengths and weaknesses and i am empowered finally with my own.

anyhow, i guess i have a lot of passion to share.

my life is different. all lives are fast.

death comes so fucking fast.

how can you live your life, your karma, your truth, your true self…to the fullest?

love, romance, addiction, trauma, stories, ego, soul, connection…you know, real light stuff.

i am so relieved we both called off the internet date. i was not feeling him and long story short we realized we are not a good match before meeting. phew. i dodged another bad date. happened to connect with a man at the bar and not sure what it’s about yet but it was soulful, deep and i felt some mutual chemistry. does not mean anything. this is my self-protective voice. i realize, i have caution in my heart. i only want to open myself to a man who will bring out the best in me and support all of my practices and way of life that is very different than most, between my autoimmune eating and my dedication to true self blossoming and all the practices i do. but he had no problem going deep fast, he’s been through his share of pain, and he’s really cute. the wheel of fortune, who will it bring to me? i feel an awakening.

i am seeking that deep soulful connection and a relationship where we build each other up and support each other in our growth, goals, and dreams. also fun and fulfilling because i need no man. i take care of myself emotionally. i hope to be able to have that close union but i don’t need it. this distinction is strong in me right now. i am climbing out of an old paradigm where i felt i did need it. i am learning a sense of peace when life does not give you a dream. i am learning a sense of tolerance for chaos. i am feeling a sense of joy for no reason outside of myself. this trifecta, i feel, places me in a new category. i am a complete woman.

the bar is feeling really good right now because i am getting closer with the regulars and it feels like that tv show cheers. i am able to not overdo it and i burn it off next morning. it’s a phase. a grief phase. a bonding phase. a fun phase. a learning phase. to be a regular. i feel like i am in a play. i am feeling playful. light. but also very serious. it’s a funny combo. i am going to re-read in the realm of hungry ghosts by gabor mate, or loan it out. not sure which. but wanting to delve again into the depths of addiction and healing.

this extraordinary man wafted in to the bar last night. a master distiller, bar hoping, getting behind the bar and making free martinis with his impeccable gin….all the while talking up a storm. he talked to me for a bit about his magnificent life. the way it landed inside of me….was….complex. part of me felt inspired and like a strong wind whipped through my psyche, cleansing me of the mundane and trudging. the other part of me felt less-than, like my life was not as good as his, like life had slighted me. i then drew a picture of this devil fucking over this woman and the words came out with it “i make you want more”. it was after this the man sat down i connected with, who seemed to share a similar life story of past trauma, as well as magic and a potent soulful career. i abandoned the devil and felt pleasure.

i realized that the root of addiction (for me, food) really is, in fact, feeling like a “have-not”, feeling abandoned, outcasted, abused too much, and unloved. i have known this for a long time but to feel it so viscerally and profoundly in the living moment….was powerful. the healing is always love. always. i loved myself through that shame spiral down and back out again into self worth. i understood how powerful a story is on the psyche. it can take you down. it’s also often ignited by the relationships in our lives, even passing connections. triggers. we get activated by the life of others. we compare. it’s nasty shit. not healthy. but we do it cause we have shame and disappointment living inside of us. so the key is to release those feelings. i did that last night through a bonding convo with a near stranger. i love how that happens. my ex used to say on his insta handle “we are all strangers until we meet” (he is a bard alight, a real word master). so true, that line. i am in love with connection….of all kinds. my heart is opening….

my heart is love in the blank slate of chaos…

fun night singing karaoke with my friend in a tiny room. i discovered annie lenox is a good vocal range for me and i also seem to be developing a slight fun obsession with her as a potent feminine archetype. with short hair. helping the world. expressing her true self. strong masculine side. inspires me, the mold breakers. the givers. the expressers. dreams last night of pure chaos. of being in new york city and not knowing how i got to the huge furniture store i arrived in. and then remembering (in the dream) that lys and i once went to a rollerskating party there. then eating and drinking sugar and carbs, unable to say no but not out of craving, more out of “well its in front of me, might as well do it”. then suddenly being in a truck (again, arriving without my own will in situations and places over and over) in the back seat with some couple, on our way to some funeral. get to the funeral and it’s a beautiful nyc apartment i am envious of and feel in the dream what i felt in real life there. envy for those who can afford to live well in the city. i am by myself in the apartment suddenly. smoking pot, drinking some green sugary drink some guy handed me. just going with it. not enjoying. not not enjoying. constantly adjusting to the chaos is what it felt like. yes, that’s it (i knew writing would bring the catharsis). the dream is not only showing me the compensation of chaos in my shadow (because my waking ego is so controlled) but also showing me how my feelings feel. what is the feeling word though? the feeling of constantly adjusting to chaos? i have become used to it now. used to grief, loss, the break down, the melt down, health, love, family, etc. what is this feeling? it’s like….without emotional reactivity. it’s like…survival but not stress. i was not stressed in the dream. i was…..empty. i did not like how i was eating and drinking but i also did not punish myself or react. i did not like suddenly arriving places but i wasn’t fearful. only confused. the envy sticks out and i woke up feeling it strong. how much i would love to live in luxury in nyc….to be a successful artist living in that weird bubble of insanity. maybe it’s more to grieve about. also, it’s the homeland of my mom and dad. so it’s my homeland too. the place we root to in this fucked up country. i miss it. i miss the feeling, the smell….told my friend the other day that i miss nyc like i miss a lover….i miss the smell of nyc’s skin and the way nyc makes me feel. speaking of lost lovers, i know nothing anymore. i am a blank slate. also in the dream, feeling blank, yes blank. my brain is out of the game. i only know to protect my self-worth and hold out for the man who wants the real deal. other than that, i know nothing at all. i know life crashes down old structures to build new ones. i know life is chaos, it is not smooth, linear, easy. life breaks hearts on the regular. i am at peace with this. i think my yoga practice is infecting me in the best way possible. i feel at peace with loss, heart break, chaos and even if it’s more of an empty blank slate peace, it’s potent in a positive way for my mind and feelings….cause i am not dwelling. my heart is healing. my heart is opening. my heart is love.

love, light, heat, art, voice, romance…

i am sitting at a different cafe. i feel like i am cheating but i just needed to try something new and glad i did. this one is as close as the other. green walls too. the coffee comes from cannon beach and is amazing. the mugs are made of beautiful danish pottery. the barista is really kind and informative and sweet. the fan is blasting and it’s fairly empty. i love this. a random day off that i am grateful for because it’s been a grief heavy week. the space keeps me balanced and i am thankful for the way life keeps bringing me spaces so i stay in well-being. i find myself wanting. wanting romantic love. wanting the voice of the book. wanting to feel inspired to take photos but i don’t-too bad (after spending money on a photo editing app too…maybe it will still come, that elusive inspiration). all the things i just mentioned feel in remission. it’s good my autoimmune flares are in remission but i need the creativity to burst forth and take over. i also need a man to burst forth and take over. well, not take over but romantically inundate me. i realize i am attracted to strong men. if he does not have the balls to make the first move i don’t feel it. if he doesn’t have the courage to follow his desire i am not interested. if he can’t overcome his issues enough to reach out and make it happen, i am not interested. i am only attracted to courage and boldness. maybe cause i am courageous and bold and i am tired of being the passionate one with passive or afraid types. i want to experience my feminine energy of yielding. i don’t want to be the masculine one. so i wait. i don’t jump. i also wait for the voice of the story to seduce me into writing it but still make it a practice to write each day. i am pooling in my feminine waters. what i can control is….well, blah boring topic. class was invigorating last night. i love teaching. excited for the group to get going in september. still need to download more about it. how to make it full bodied, everyone’s healing experience through tarot. the hot sun is illuminating the colored glass sculpture outside. beautiful colors and light. i feel happy inside even though i also have some yuck there too. mud. boredom in connection. it is what it is. the coffee is so delicious. soon i will take a walk in that heat and tackle my aversion to it. why did i say that? the heat feels good kind of. i don’t quite know what i am saying. i am just writing. i am calling out to he, the one to arouse me from my slumber. i don’t care if he is the one or the temporary one. i only care that he is a soul connection that serves my healing and pleasure. vice versa of course. of course too, i want my twin flame by my side but if it’s gonna take a while, i am open to loving someone on the temporary. what have i got to lose? at this age, after so much loss, i don’t fear losing or attaching. i don’t fear intimacy. i don’t fear the weather…

death

intense dream. living in a high rise apartment in DC with my best friend. she is getting married to man who in real life is husband to another friend. a good guy. so she is leaving the apartment. it’s expensive and i cannot stay without her. i am trying to figure out how to stay but i am very chaotic. i call my mom at work (like i used to do in real life many years ago) and leave a message for her to call me back. i want her help. woke up to a text from a friend and therapist who just found out a client has a year to live due to cancer. it’s early, before 6 am. everything feels so intense. i feel so intense. yesterday i walked so much. all day at the park and in the morning, jogging and yoga. i could not stop moving my body. i could not stop reading the book, “a thousand acres” by jane smiley either. so good i could not put it down. i want to write like her. thinking this morning, or feeling rather, how short and temporary life truly is. you never know when death will come. death of your body. death of a relationship. death of your current home. death of health. i feel it all so deeply. still on the keto diet and it’s taking me fully out of food addiction. i feel what it is like to be free of cravings. my autoimmune disease is in remission. i feel free. a wonderful feeling even if i must count carbs and eat the same things each day that are boring. seems so minute compared to death but it’s so big because i have lived with autoimmune flares and addiction my whole life and so did my mom for much of it (until toxic levels of antibiotics she got from a doctor killed off the flares but probably destroyed her gut in the process, where she got the cancer). my dad has the same thing but his went away on its own in his fifties. it’s a mysterious disease. we all respond differently to it. i am on a weird path these days. alone. so alone. working and walking and writing and painting and hearing about death all the time and waking up super early and getting up a million times to pee and wondering if my story will every change as i realize each day my story could die at any moment. i think about other people’s lives and how different they are. i think about love and romance briefly as i do each day. my self worth is increasing because i feel the desire (not just think the truth) that love is not enough to “keep trying”. if the man cannot bring me happiness than i do not need him. i do not need a man. my mom said (from the other side) that security will be mine even though i am not there yet. i don’t know what this means but trust her advise coming through my spirit guide. i think about men and how fucked up they are from being brainwashed by society to not embrace their feelings. how compartmentalized they are. we are fucked up too in a different way. i just don’t need it. i also humble myself and think if i had a real emergency or got sick who would i call? i don’t know. i don’t feel there is anybody who has enough space to be here for me. my friends are all so busy with their lives and responsibilities. it’s kind of scary to realize that although i have so much love in my life, i don’t have that reliance on any human being to be here for me if i get hurt, sick or anything like that. but i remember san francisco, when i broke my ankle and had nobody. the city showed up. the universe provided. i guess i just need to trust. but i hope he comes soon. i still want him just as much….

shame, love, self-worth and all that jazz…

yesterday was hard. such intense grief hit when i entered my mother’s favorite department store. i missed her more than i have missed her yet. it hurt to know she is gone. my heart dropped deep into a well of pain. i was hungover from having just one too many martinis. two is my limit for all alcohol drinks. always. no matter what. if i drink three, the next day i am destroyed. but it wasn’t just the booze that took me down. it was the conversation about humanity and my nervous system getting all worked up after clients all day. i was so tired and out of sorts sunday. oh yeah and let me not forget the other trigger saturday night too. the way my attachment wound gets triggered, too personal to write about here but what is the same for everybody is how when triggered we storm with pain and anxiety and our self worth gets caught up in all sorts of external and internal expectations. self worth should not be conditional. i need to write on my work blog about this. it’s a life mission. to spread the word and be a healing guide to help others feel their worth unconditionally. truth is this. the conditions on self worth take you down. for some, this taking down is internalized. i resonate with this myself. it leads to mental illness, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and addiction. for some, this taking down of self worth keeps them very controlled, making sure they do everything to feel that worth and get it from others. these types stay thin, fit, of value, making money, looking nice, being kind, etc. but the root is the exact same whether you get the accolades through control or fall into mental suffering from lack of control and feel outside of conditional worth. our culture promotes it too. if you cannot do all the things we see as valuable you are outcasted, labeled, teased, bullied, pitied, etc. but that’s all illusion, all lies. we are all the same beneath the surface. we all feel wounded with a conditional sense of self worth that vacillates depending on how “good” we are being. i am lucky. in my family there’s a root of unconditional love that has kept us all reasonable open hearted and above water. without that root, i might not be alive today or i might not be a healer. my sisters may not be happily married and making peace with themselves. we had our share of dysfunction and abuse as most do but that root of love was always there on some level we could feel. we all were so close to our mother at different points. i was not close to my mother until i was in my twenties. families are karmic. there is much healing to do. i am not close with one of my sisters and may never be because neither of us make the effort. i hope to keep getting closer to my one sister, niece, nephew and that whole part of my family. oddly, i feel closer to my sister’s half brother and his family more than my other sister. sometimes closeness is not determined by blood. my friends are family too. i am straying from the point. but there is no point. this blog is all about the flow. i think of my dad now. and i wish him only to feel safe and secure and for life to treat him gently. we are all doing the best we can. my heart strives to be tolerant and accepting of everyone’s flaw and shortcomings including my own. even to honor them. i get off any high horses. i pray for us to get off of the judgment train. we all fucking need unconditional love more than we need anything else in life. period.

somber surrendered monday mutterings…

last night i had another really scary grief cry. i am learning that there are many kinds of grief and ways to grieve. for me, i am losing my partner, my security, my rock, my sense of home. this would be losing my mom and eventually my dad, who is very ready to go to the other side. i no longer choose to put a story around the shame and embarrassment i feel for them being my sense of home and security at this age. in many countries, this would not even be judged but here in the states, independence at age eighteen is what is valued. i choose to give myself compassion for the many years where mental illness was stronger than my ego development and ability to “join the world” as a functioning member of society. i used those years very well making art, healing, reflecting, all things that have turned me into the master of healing i am now. i used to run from being the healer that is my soul calling, resentful that my calling was connected to so much suffering and shame. no longer do i run. when those grief waves hit, it’s scary because i feel the bottom drop out beneath me. i don’t feel connected to anyone in a way that brings me that sense of security and nourishment you get from daily interacting with a partner, a child, a spouse. it’s not about friends or community. it’s about home and family. and financial security. the loneliness is palpable. it was one of those weekends where, if it wasn’t for needing to check in with my dad each day, i could have died and nobody would know. i made art all weekend, literally. i self soothed making piece after piece. for hours. i have pms bad and i always feels so extra when i do. feelings rise up. it was empty last night reading tarot at the bar. for some reason the martini really went to my head. i felt in another world. i felt love but loneliness. unmet loneliness. then when i got home it hit. the tears. the grief wave. feeling the bottom drop out from under me. feeling too alone. too scared. too overwhelmed. there is nothing to fix or solve. these waves must crash and be felt. luckily, in texting my dear friend, he reminded me i was having a grief wave. i did not know it until he named it. i thought it was just a loneliness cry. i am not ashamed to admit that i feel like i need my partner by my side. my life feels so empty single. not my purpose, as that is strong, i spend most days helping others heal and it is rewarding to be contributing and part of this world. at the same time, my personal life is vacant. i am of the age where friends don’t hang out like you do in your twenties and thirties, where friends are the rock and the family. i had that. now, everyone is partnered and off in their little worlds, their little rocks. i told myself last night that maybe i don’t need people as much as it feels. that i would become joan of arc and continue on with my practice. find all the nourishment inside of me, with spirit. i simply cannot live in the story that there is lack. not anymore. i am thankful for my sister, niece, nephew and family i do have. my dad of course, who waits his turn to get the hell out of here. i don’t blame him. i have spent my life wanting to get the hell out of here. but now, i want  to be here now. i want to experience the basics of being human. a partner, stability, intimacy, some fun. basics. i wonder if i ever will or if my life will always be one of the solo healer giving all her knowing to others and spending all her free time evolving her soul in somber reverence until death does she part? i don’t feel it’s the latter but life is making it such that i face the latter, and in a way, surrender to it. surrender to what is. softly. i feel so different than everyone else this way. but if i joined an ashram i would not. or maybe i run away to europe when my dad passes and find someone to hire me under the table at a restaurant or book store. or maybe i stay right here and build my practice and make art and wait for him to form a little bubble called home with in a nice peaceful location and experience the basics i crave so much. maybe he finds it endearing and comforting how spiritual i am. maybe i help him find his true self inside and maybe he is my rock.

love love love love love love love love

two days of rain and colder weather. spent my day off doing….not much. solar eclipse new moon was spent feeling it all. did readings with my friend and got the message for this cycle. victory is the theme. interesting. i am feeling victorious over myself lately as kundalini yoga is changing my entire life…inside. i had to let go of eating bread, back to mostly AIP diet, and it did not bother me too much. i am finding fulfillment within. light within. happiness within. the outside world is much more challenging because of my life story and how it’s rolled. but i am making it happen. little by little. building tolerance. kundalini yoga heals the nervous system. i am so calm. i am learning patience. my mantra is: i am a spiritual body. over and over. i am brining spirit to body and this yoga is the practice for that. still feeling my twin flame but i have not journeyed to see him again. i will. i feel him. he is sensitive deep down but doesn’t show it. he is busy. he is manifesting, doing a lot. his true self needs more attention. i want to give that attention to him. i want to lure his true self out of his shadow. i want to love him in the third dimension. i wonder who he is. i am allowing myself to feel romantic and open. the pragmatism i save for my work and my practice. i have to get pleasure how i can. yogi bhajan said life should be happy and not to work hard in a video i watched yesterday. i was profoundly effected by that. i feel the truth in this. i feel the truth of how judgment is the root of making life hard. there is nothing to blame. we only need more love. we can allow for the variety, for weaknesses, for pain. it’s not about being fair. life will never be fair. it’s about being love. love makes it easy. but it’s hard when the old program wants to grip. all those morals and judgements of how you think life should be or how people should be, let it go. let it slide down the drain. love is all you need to treat yourself and others properly. love is practice. love is devotion. love is routine. love is service. love is surrender. love is strong. after my practice this morning my body swelled up like a balloon cause i added cardio in the mix. looking in the mirror i could feel the old story wanting to present of how i don’t look pretty. but instead i ignored that story and gave tolerance and patience to the yucky feeling inside. this is the cancer solar eclipse energy. can you give patience, tolerance, kindness, nurturing to yourself and others and not create harsh dramas that all stem from your own internal judge thinking you know what is best for you, what life should look like, and how another should behave and instead allow love to penetrate all of the judgement? now that’s a life sentence! one that i happily take on.

approaching the eclipse season feeling all…

i keep getting up earlier and earlier. wide awake. in the midst of change. the new breakfast of toast and almond butter feels really good. so far body really likes it. the smoothie at night is hard. i get full but don’t get satiated because i am not eating. my body does not want much fruit or veges. weird that it’s my mind wanting those foods more. body wants much less than mind wants. kundalini yoga is the path to healing. to being so much in sensation that i follow body not mind with what i put in my mouth and how much of it. kundalini yoga increases sensation dramatically. more and more i come into body. my belly swollen day after day from too much. too much unexpressed emotion being fed by too much food.

back in seattle. back to work feels good. it is my place in this world. but the creativity has run dry. and i need it to come back. to write the book that came to me at the beach. the beach feels so far away already. i miss north carolina and i miss being near family. i cannot tell you the gift of not having to talk and feel loved and to love. that’s family for me. unspoken love and feeling anchored to others. but i also recognize my path is to go within and find anchor there. it is not my path in this life to anchor into family first. first within. first spirit. this is the path of the healer and it is hard and i choose it. i used to not choose it. i used to reject it. my ego wanted what it wanted. now i want what i have much more. now the suffering turns to gold. i have come so far and this is why i sit with my clients. to help them do what i did. to give back what i gave to myself. i came from utter suicidal destructive darkness. now i am effulgent light but it’s not high. it’s the neutral light of love that allows all. allows everyone to be who they are. you be you and i be me. we have our flaws and weaknesses and things we can never overcome and this is ok. you are not a design flaw. the morality culture places on you that you think means who you need to be to be considered worthy, is pure bullshit. all you need to be worthy is to be you.

back to the bar for a whisky and reading for an hour. a home there. silent. the seattle freeze. back to the cafe i have been going to for twenty years. warmer. it is literally my living room. i moved my bed to face east and i am sleeping much better now. i feel happiness even in the dull return to routine and solitude. i have plans with friends made and slowly making more. pride parade tomorrow and i hope i can get out to the office. my home is right up in it. somehow i need to focus more. i know this blog has taken a turn from grief to whatever. it is a private blog made public. i don’t know why. i want it public. i think i need to consider you more though too.

and to do that, i say, today, notice where you judge others and judge yourself. do you know that every judgement stems from a lack of love? can you bring more love and tolerance to judgement? don’t judge judging either. we all do it. bring love to everything. the new moon solar eclipse tuesday asks us to do this. if we cave into our own emotional needs too much or deny them and only live for other’s emotional needs, we suffer. find that happy balance by taking up emotional space and also giving to others when they need emotional space.

when somebody is very very upset, don’t try to fix or solve there upset feelings. when upset feelings are expressing, they just need you to be a strong container of love. to listen without judgement. to provide comfort. to provide ease. do you know how potent it is to be able to cry or express anger to another and have that be received with acceptance, patience, love and not fixing, solving, and judging? “shouldn’t” is not a helpful word when paired with “feel that”. allow all the feelings space. understand that we are all emotional beings, we all have fear, we all face incredible difficulties. can we show up for another? i intend to show up as best i can. a daily prayer…