oh oh oh oh love. why? sexual attraction. why? rules of the game. a man you want you cannot name. a desire unmet. the constant longing. the detachment from longing. not needing sex or relationship at all. freedom from desire. the swing and the balance. as the glucose does the same. drop of blood on the test strip. up and down and up and down. too much dandelion tea. tinker with everything to get the balance right. doing laundry and simmering down. cravings. this very short life. so short do you realize? and yet we must zoom in and do all the things we need to do to take care of self. self reliance has been my path for years now. developing a healthy ego shattered early on by abuse, neglect, pariah-ship, spending too much time alone as a kid. led to mental illness real bad. led to years of healing real strong. healing taking over my whole life as a result. jotting down notes at the bar on the book. the magnum opus. to show the journey. whiskey on ice a soothing balm i don’t really care about. more wanting his chest. or the sea. or divine and sacred rest from this life. not death. but some place in between. missing mommy like a big so big and happy she is free at the same time. inner child real strong this morning. her fear of….everything. her sensitivity to the human heart. empathing so strong all the time that clients wipe you out but still loving it. figuring it all out with collagen in the coffee not the blender and can you make your own almond butter? will try. sigh. i feel so human today. so humble. so tender. moon in cancer alright. that sweet emotional slow tender turtle heart of mine. the jaguar body take rest. i will go to the lake today. again. i need it. sunday solitude lake walking. or maybe with a friend. we shall see. time to see everything with clarity. time to love everyone. time to know the truth sets me free. writing without thinking. writing to be free.
i am healing the pancreas, liver, gall bladder, my heart and soul. i feel like running away from my life, hard core. i recognize i am not in balance. even my supervisor told me to begin contemplating how i can have something else other than healing in my life. for real, i am always in a healing mode, whether for myself or others, whether therapy, tarot, body-mind-self, and it occupies all of my thoughts. i am obsessed. i have lost the desire for other things almost. have i? it seems so. it seems like i am a healer in a routine, rinse lather repeat. not healthy, right? but maybe it’s ok for a stint too? i am confused. i feel happy inside a lot of the time. just for being alive, not for any reason. i feel richness with my clients and my own healing path. i feel determined. but lately not so much. lately, burned out. lately, feeling huge needs for adventure, nature, sex, touch, laughter, nothingness, creative expression, and rest in my soul. i am very lucky to have the privilege in life that i do that seems to balance out what i keep not having. desiring romantic love, big time. desiring for my feelings to matter and for the light to shine on me some too. desiring to climb a mountain and float on water. desiring to have the kind of fun that releases everything in your body. had another realization about my ex yesterday when contemplating what aspects of him attract me and how i can be those aspects myself. his sense of adventure and buoyancy. when i had a car i was just as adventurous as him, was always taking off on day trips and driving all over doing stuff. the buoyancy not so much but i do feel it in me. a lot more since my mom passed away and i can feel relief for her liberation from suffering. buoyancy and grief go together in this way for me. my friend helped me to see that once my ex and i became official, all the buoyancy and adventure left. he got all rigid with needing to go to the gym all the time so he could drink less and get in shape and suddenly he needed to be with his kids a lot more and one moved back in with him and they took up more time than when we were just dating but not in a relationship. so for these reasons he lost his buoyancy, or a lot of it. me…well i was a shit show. finishing grad school and dealing with my mother’s suffering and impending death. i was not at all light hearted. together, with out two anvils we fell into such a serious, anxious, structured place. not to mention, my big realization of how i did not trust him. i so did not trust him that i needed a structure for the least amount of time we would spend together. not good when you need to start off a relationship mandating time spent together. lame. i was fearful from the get go with him cause i sensed him needing his freedom and being torn about being with me, whether it be me or anyone. all in all, i have come to understand that two people can be so well matched but the timing can be utter crap. i think this was he and i, twins and opposites who made each other shine and balanced but his inner unhealed stuff, my anxious stuff, the timing…sucked ass. i still try to make sense of this due to loving him still and needing to tell myself over and over that i need to let go and make myself available for the man who is available fully without the torn piece, without the inner divide. i won’t fantasize anymore that he returns a thunderbird, realizing we are meant to be and wholly ready to partner. my fantasy life is null. i am voiding it. and now i am trying to integrate the things about him i loved. sense of adventure. buoyancy. his charisma. he is brilliant. i miss him. dammit. i wish i could be his friend. but i cannot because i am too attracted to him romantically. i must enter the emptiness. i have crushes on other men, don’t get me wrong. i could easily love another man too. i don’t hang on even though my love is strong. it’s like, if it cannot work out due to differences that cannot be settled, i will let go and know there must be another. i am open to love mr. right. i believe in a mr. right. i believe in being surprised by who he is. i believe in the big love. maybe you don’t always get to be with your twin flame? maybe my ex is my twin flame and that’s why i love him so hard? maybe my twin flame is another man and i won’t know it till i know it? i haven’t the slightest clue. i am fully confused. i admit i don’t know. all i know is that i am going to stop living in fantasy. i am open to the relationship that can actually happen. i am so sick of being single. i have not had sex in a year and a half. tmi? who cares. we are all alike. we all yearn. we all long. we all have hopes and we all get burned out too. i am human. i am humbled. i have hope. all the h words. yes, my life is imbalanced and yes i will find the balance. tinker tinker tinker. i feel happy in my core. i feel buoyant in my core too. i feel sunny and ready and bright. my sense of adventure wants to come alive again. the world is falling apart too and if it does, i am here as a light. hashtag love rules.
whatever, so the blogs will be boring. i am ok with this. health journey. i find the sore spots on my hand and see what’s off in my body. i fell out of ketosis this week and my pendulum (whom i named sheila) told me my kidneys were taxed. so i looked up kidneys and realized i was over-consuming salt while thinking i was getting my electrolytes in. avocado also has too much potassium when the kidneys are taxed. went through this same process with the pancreas. will i find my way back into ketosis? yes, i have hope. my carbs are low and i am lowering protein and increasing fat. can’t do pork cause they eat wheat and barely which made me flare. finally the flares are beginning to vanish. hoping the almond butter can be ok. i think so cause one night i binged on it, coming out of ketosis carb land and the next morning i was in the most ketosis i have ever been. i think cause of the fat from the almond butter. it’s so tricky. sheila says the organs need to adapt and that it’s not the carbs. we shall see. experts say it can take months to adapt. you only know by testing blood and not urine. urine shows only ketones being peed out. not the same as blood showing ketones being used. ketones are fat and adapting means body is using fat as energy. i want so much to adapt! it’s really hard. for me. cause of the autoimmune issues. but i am not giving up cause this should be a big healer for me. i am preventing all the bad things that happened to my mom. catching it all right on time. it’s fucking weird. to grieve her life once her ailments began through healing my body before they get to that place. one of my sisters battles her body’s bones. my other sister had thyroid cancer, as did my niece and also major gut issues. i know in my gut that these autoimmune issues are passed down the lineage, the physical body expressing ancient emotional wounds. toss in the shitty food and chemicals of this country. there we go. i am healing it….healing it….i am healing it….healing it….because i know…..it’s my karma….
so life is boring….
but i did a brave thing in my heart….
i made a huge dedication to myself….
to only give myself to a man who cares about my feelings, shows up for who i am, is emotionally available….
to not give my heart to the man who is all about himself in darkness or light…who fears intimacy….who rejects or puts a partner on a pedestal (both intimacy avoidance tactics).
i am going to experience available mutual intimate love.
i know where i messed up in my last relationship. i know i was impatient, i lacked trust, i could not get fully on board. how much was my impatience and how much was intuitively cutting us off before things got worse? i will never know. but what i do know is that when a man begins to unconsciously push you away with flippant responses to your affectionate words, inches away from wanting to be physically near you or have sex with you, chooses beer over intimacy in moments when intimacy is most natural, and feels he is being infringed upon by your presence…it is not available love.
i know i am an intense soul who wants deep connection.
yes. embrace. once i am with a man, i am with him. lives joining together as a team from the get-go. this is how i roll….
i know the right man will care about who i am, care about how i feel, shine the light on me and not just himself, not try to woo me with false bullshit like impressing me or sacrificing himself to serve me. i want none of that.
i want real connection.
i have been so bored lately. i am not shamed to say this. bored with being so disciplined and not really having any fun. but man, is the healing profound in this boredom. catharsis every day. every day, letting go. so powerful. the boredom is worth it and will pass. everything is cyclical. i am ready.
i am ready for him to enter my life. i am ready for a serious dedicated team work relationship of two souls in love and passionate for each other.
this blog is very long. i don’t mind. nobody really reads it. it feels good just to write. i have been desiring to blow up my life and move to a new place and return to my roots as a spiritual healer and artist and writer so i can live where i want. living here is very very very very expensive and getting worse. living here is often boring me. i love it here though. best city ever. but i dream of other places, i do. i dream of willmington north carolina, of san diego, of returning to missoula or santa fe…i am the type of person who can blow up my life and become a bartender, tarot reader, writer and ditch my career because it’s not making me happy anymore….
but i am building a solid practice, i love my clients, i love sitting with them. i love being a therapist despite how hard it is to always be in the pain of others, guiding them through it…
i feel torn between honoring my gypsy spirit and desire to move and honoring my new career i have worked so hard to build. am enjoying my work and success….
i will hold the boat steady.
i won’t run away or glamorize the gypsy….
i still crave to write the book that will set me free financially…..always the struggle i am learning to embrace….
i wonder what will happen when my father passes. with my mom’s passing i have become the most disciplined healthy monk of a person, committed to my health and boss bitch (said with love!) with my career. i climbed out the “i can’t” and now i know i absolutely can.
with my mom’s death i also fell into more solitude and desire for it. i also fell into a place of deep inner security that doesn’t want the shallow dopamine hits of men, food, etc anymore. maybe still with buying stones but it’s greatly reduced. i am liberty.
i don’t know who i will become with my dad’s death. he has been my rock my entire life. i am not ashamed to say this anymore. i don’t care how others judge me for being different than the cultural value of what an adult looks like. i am an adult through and through….and for every person who is completely independent financially i trump them with emotional independence. i am self reliant in ways most people in this country will never know in their lifetime. we all have our strengths and weaknesses and i am empowered finally with my own.
anyhow, i guess i have a lot of passion to share.
my life is different. all lives are fast.
death comes so fucking fast.
how can you live your life, your karma, your truth, your true self…to the fullest?
i have not written here in so long. was tiring of diary writing and feeling exposed (even though this is hardly read, you never know who is reading it.) but instead of shutting down the blog i decided to ride it out and now i am feeling more extroverted and in the mood to diary write but also….i need to dairy write so i can stay practiced. making it public motivates me to keep working for others and making that connection. trippin in my head this week about how saturnian i have become. meaning….i am hardly invested in my feelings and doing everything by logic, reason, routine, restriction, moderation, and learning my lesson diligently. my lesson: restraint and balance. deeper than the lesson though….i am healing a very deep and old ancestral wound that first showed up in the bloodline (mothers but prolly fathers too) when the religious patriarchy of judaism first oppressed the women, taking their magic away, taking their power away, and from that abuse was born upon them and addiction formed around food and also cigarettes later on and who knows what else. the body began to morph and develop autoimmune issues in reflection of this oppression and subsequent wounding. and here i am healing the same organs and gut issues that plagued my mother pre-cancer. i am grieving through healing and i am healing the bloodline. ancestral healing. shutting it down. no more oppression, disease, compromised feminine energy. my magical psychic powers are alive, i choose my mate, i am creatively expressing, i am bold. this conviction reverberates through me. i do not embrace the abrahamic religions. judaism was the first, then came the catholic and christian religion and muslim over in the east. all connected to the abraham myth, all centered around men being the ones with power, all rooted in heaven, ignoring body and earth and the feminine aspect of the divine embodied. i do not recognize these religions as anything more than a psychological reflection of humanity. i have my anger towards them (not those who believe, the actual religion itself) and this is due to the deep and intense wounding in my bloodline that i am born into and this body that has endured abuse and autoimmune disease as a result. i am a healer first and foremost. again and again. i don’t care anymore what man is turned off by this or what man wants me only for this. i don’t choose men who want to change my essential nature anymore. i can compromise for sure as trust is built. but i cannot sacrifice me for him. can we mutually embrace each other and our differences? this is what it will be. who he is i have no idea. but i know who it is not. it is not he who belittles me, puts me on the witness stand, wants to change my core nature, hurts me on purpose and won’t own up to healing himself when he hurts me without meaning to. i shall give the same in return. i am a sacred being. a ritualistic being too. how i love my morning ritual. come evening, i don’t want ritual, except to try to go to bed with the nightfall, circadian rhythm. there needs to be room for flow. like this blog. free flow one paragraph streaming. a place to let that out. i need more flow. i crave to take a trip but i don’t want to get on a bus or pay for a lyft. i dunno. i am stuck but not stuck when it comes to taking trips. maybe i am too drained to plan something. maybe i want somebody to plan it for me so i can surrender into them and the experience. blah blah blah on this topic. frustrated with my lack of motivation to take a trip (even a day trip) when i desire it so deeply. so motivated to heal when it’s the last thing i want to be focused on but i guess this shows me that i am saturn, motivated by what is necessary but limited in the capacity to let go, flow, and have fun even though it is just as necessary.
i am so relieved we both called off the internet date. i was not feeling him and long story short we realized we are not a good match before meeting. phew. i dodged another bad date. happened to connect with a man at the bar and not sure what it’s about yet but it was soulful, deep and i felt some mutual chemistry. does not mean anything. this is my self-protective voice. i realize, i have caution in my heart. i only want to open myself to a man who will bring out the best in me and support all of my practices and way of life that is very different than most, between my autoimmune eating and my dedication to true self blossoming and all the practices i do. but he had no problem going deep fast, he’s been through his share of pain, and he’s really cute. the wheel of fortune, who will it bring to me? i feel an awakening.
i am seeking that deep soulful connection and a relationship where we build each other up and support each other in our growth, goals, and dreams. also fun and fulfilling because i need no man. i take care of myself emotionally. i hope to be able to have that close union but i don’t need it. this distinction is strong in me right now. i am climbing out of an old paradigm where i felt i did need it. i am learning a sense of peace when life does not give you a dream. i am learning a sense of tolerance for chaos. i am feeling a sense of joy for no reason outside of myself. this trifecta, i feel, places me in a new category. i am a complete woman.
the bar is feeling really good right now because i am getting closer with the regulars and it feels like that tv show cheers. i am able to not overdo it and i burn it off next morning. it’s a phase. a grief phase. a bonding phase. a fun phase. a learning phase. to be a regular. i feel like i am in a play. i am feeling playful. light. but also very serious. it’s a funny combo. i am going to re-read in the realm of hungry ghosts by gabor mate, or loan it out. not sure which. but wanting to delve again into the depths of addiction and healing.
this extraordinary man wafted in to the bar last night. a master distiller, bar hoping, getting behind the bar and making free martinis with his impeccable gin….all the while talking up a storm. he talked to me for a bit about his magnificent life. the way it landed inside of me….was….complex. part of me felt inspired and like a strong wind whipped through my psyche, cleansing me of the mundane and trudging. the other part of me felt less-than, like my life was not as good as his, like life had slighted me. i then drew a picture of this devil fucking over this woman and the words came out with it “i make you want more”. it was after this the man sat down i connected with, who seemed to share a similar life story of past trauma, as well as magic and a potent soulful career. i abandoned the devil and felt pleasure.
i realized that the root of addiction (for me, food) really is, in fact, feeling like a “have-not”, feeling abandoned, outcasted, abused too much, and unloved. i have known this for a long time but to feel it so viscerally and profoundly in the living moment….was powerful. the healing is always love. always. i loved myself through that shame spiral down and back out again into self worth. i understood how powerful a story is on the psyche. it can take you down. it’s also often ignited by the relationships in our lives, even passing connections. triggers. we get activated by the life of others. we compare. it’s nasty shit. not healthy. but we do it cause we have shame and disappointment living inside of us. so the key is to release those feelings. i did that last night through a bonding convo with a near stranger. i love how that happens. my ex used to say on his insta handle “we are all strangers until we meet” (he is a bard alight, a real word master). so true, that line. i am in love with connection….of all kinds. my heart is opening….
monday day off. a quiet moon in cancer do a million errands and chores day. a sunny day. a day to return to my practice after the day off from it. sigh. breathe. wanting. desiring. being a human with a feeling body. i don’t know what to say really. i am filled with a certain desire that has no words. i am in the middle of some sort of change. i have an internet date tonight. haven’t had one in many months now. they usually go poorly so i expect this one to go poorly as well. i will not be attracted to him. he might be attracted to me. we might have decent convo or maybe it will feel awkward. his sun sign squares my sun sign so probs not a good fit. but i am forcing myself to meet him so i don’t let these mental obstacles stop me. i trust myself and i know for me, love is hard to feel for a man…romantically. i can be attracted to a few more than i love but even that is slim pickings. i think this is cause i always go for hidden genius brain types. these types may or may not be good for me? how nice it would be to be with an intuitive man sensitive to my needs, caring, tender but also able to speak his truth, his mind, and be bold and fiery when he wanted. versus the man who is aloof, so zoomed out from reality or barely incarnated or on the periphery doing almost nothing. over that crap. i want to be with a man who is….blah blah blah. i doesn’t matter. cause like i was saying with my friend last night, our relationships are karmic and we cannot help who we love. love chooses us. the whole cupid’s arrow thing. so you just don’t know if cupid shoots the arrow into somebody to your liking or disliking. some unions are super compatible and some are not but that’s the whole point. love is not supposed to be convenient or easy. it’s messy. it’s wrong as much as it is right. i fully feel this. i fully feel the true chaos of karmic love. sexual love is messy too. you get so connected to the other. then you get all insecure. then you get all judgy or aloof to protect. i am aware of all this now and just like my dream the other night, not very reactive to the chaos. accepting of it. i have found my secure attachment inside. i don’t need a man. i want a man.
fun night singing karaoke with my friend in a tiny room. i discovered annie lenox is a good vocal range for me and i also seem to be developing a slight fun obsession with her as a potent feminine archetype. with short hair. helping the world. expressing her true self. strong masculine side. inspires me, the mold breakers. the givers. the expressers. dreams last night of pure chaos. of being in new york city and not knowing how i got to the huge furniture store i arrived in. and then remembering (in the dream) that lys and i once went to a rollerskating party there. then eating and drinking sugar and carbs, unable to say no but not out of craving, more out of “well its in front of me, might as well do it”. then suddenly being in a truck (again, arriving without my own will in situations and places over and over) in the back seat with some couple, on our way to some funeral. get to the funeral and it’s a beautiful nyc apartment i am envious of and feel in the dream what i felt in real life there. envy for those who can afford to live well in the city. i am by myself in the apartment suddenly. smoking pot, drinking some green sugary drink some guy handed me. just going with it. not enjoying. not not enjoying. constantly adjusting to the chaos is what it felt like. yes, that’s it (i knew writing would bring the catharsis). the dream is not only showing me the compensation of chaos in my shadow (because my waking ego is so controlled) but also showing me how my feelings feel. what is the feeling word though? the feeling of constantly adjusting to chaos? i have become used to it now. used to grief, loss, the break down, the melt down, health, love, family, etc. what is this feeling? it’s like….without emotional reactivity. it’s like…survival but not stress. i was not stressed in the dream. i was…..empty. i did not like how i was eating and drinking but i also did not punish myself or react. i did not like suddenly arriving places but i wasn’t fearful. only confused. the envy sticks out and i woke up feeling it strong. how much i would love to live in luxury in nyc….to be a successful artist living in that weird bubble of insanity. maybe it’s more to grieve about. also, it’s the homeland of my mom and dad. so it’s my homeland too. the place we root to in this fucked up country. i miss it. i miss the feeling, the smell….told my friend the other day that i miss nyc like i miss a lover….i miss the smell of nyc’s skin and the way nyc makes me feel. speaking of lost lovers, i know nothing anymore. i am a blank slate. also in the dream, feeling blank, yes blank. my brain is out of the game. i only know to protect my self-worth and hold out for the man who wants the real deal. other than that, i know nothing at all. i know life crashes down old structures to build new ones. i know life is chaos, it is not smooth, linear, easy. life breaks hearts on the regular. i am at peace with this. i think my yoga practice is infecting me in the best way possible. i feel at peace with loss, heart break, chaos and even if it’s more of an empty blank slate peace, it’s potent in a positive way for my mind and feelings….cause i am not dwelling. my heart is healing. my heart is opening. my heart is love.
feeling happy i woke up extra early so i have half hour to drink a coffee at the cafe and write a blog before clients. good slow patient yoga practice this morning reminding me of the importance of slowness for body wellness. for my body wellness. i like getting up at 5:30 am. i like morning. i like meeting the elder gay men at the bar. one is 81 and i talked to another last night, much younger, but an elder….like me. i am a young elder but no longer the young get drunk party bar goer. now, i am the have one or two drinks reading or drawing or talking and leave by 9 bar goer. i like how the bar i go to has the variety of people in it from young to old and all types. i am feeling so happy with my neighborhood and apartment, despite the gentrification process and despite the fear of rising rents. i guess i don’t need much. just some space and a magical place. very restless sleep last night. hyper kind of. yucky. hard. the energies lately seem to be messing everybody up with sleeping. everyone is saying the same thing. hence, i know something is about to go down. thinking about my sister and her worry that something will go down on her business trip cause it always does. archangel michael keep crisis away from us! god goddess all that is bring ease. bring comfort. bring cushions through all the change. uranus squaring the sun is hyping me up right now. sparks flying inside. but last night i was so out of it. so serious like i had a lot on my mind but nothing was on my mind. weirdness. each day i feel so differently. i am at the whim of the weather patterns that course through me. because of this i am so thankful for my spiritual practice that allows me to not identify with the moods, feelings and thoughts that make up these internal chemical weather patterns. i am the stable sun. i am breath. not the cyclical movement of the matrix, of the kaleidoscope. it feels so good to write this morning.
i am thinking of a couple i see and how much they love one another and how it is inspiring me. not how much but the quality, rather. they are so connected that they can heal their attachment wounds in their relationship. they have amazing communication for moving through messes. i swear, so much of a good relationship is about good communication. it’s what connects versus divides. i think of my ex and how, like everything with him, it was on/off. he was (is?) two personalities on the inside. one personality is a great communicator, wise, buoyant, intuitive, bright, desiring connection, an old soul. the other personality is a loner who withdraws into himself, responds with flippancy, is self-centered, scattered, lost inside of himself. obvi the two don’t meet each other for if they did his bright soul self could help his lost dark self and integration could bring wholeness. he has no control over the dark personality, it just arrives and takes over. this is not uncommon. it’s a shadow personality that is wounded and wants to be left alone. it’s also a family system personality, not his own. this personality likes beer too much. the bright soul likes beer too. but the dark personality uses it for the wrong reasons. i tried to be with both but found i could only be with the bright soul self. maybe i could have been more patient. i always wonder about this because my feelings won’t yet let go because i love him so. sucks. i cannot wait for him to have the big fantasy realization in my head. i must move on. online dating is happening. i am trying. we shall see how the date monday goes. or meet up. he’s an aquarius so not sure that will flow but what i like about him is that he communicates well. anyhow, blah blah blah. nobody reads this so i feel free. i say blah blah blah not to be mean to myself or dismissive but to highlight that these are just thoughts and i am not my thoughts. thoughts come and go. time to get going myself. love is in the wet rainy air and i like it.
i am sitting at a different cafe. i feel like i am cheating but i just needed to try something new and glad i did. this one is as close as the other. green walls too. the coffee comes from cannon beach and is amazing. the mugs are made of beautiful danish pottery. the barista is really kind and informative and sweet. the fan is blasting and it’s fairly empty. i love this. a random day off that i am grateful for because it’s been a grief heavy week. the space keeps me balanced and i am thankful for the way life keeps bringing me spaces so i stay in well-being. i find myself wanting. wanting romantic love. wanting the voice of the book. wanting to feel inspired to take photos but i don’t-too bad (after spending money on a photo editing app too…maybe it will still come, that elusive inspiration). all the things i just mentioned feel in remission. it’s good my autoimmune flares are in remission but i need the creativity to burst forth and take over. i also need a man to burst forth and take over. well, not take over but romantically inundate me. i realize i am attracted to strong men. if he does not have the balls to make the first move i don’t feel it. if he doesn’t have the courage to follow his desire i am not interested. if he can’t overcome his issues enough to reach out and make it happen, i am not interested. i am only attracted to courage and boldness. maybe cause i am courageous and bold and i am tired of being the passionate one with passive or afraid types. i want to experience my feminine energy of yielding. i don’t want to be the masculine one. so i wait. i don’t jump. i also wait for the voice of the story to seduce me into writing it but still make it a practice to write each day. i am pooling in my feminine waters. what i can control is….well, blah boring topic. class was invigorating last night. i love teaching. excited for the group to get going in september. still need to download more about it. how to make it full bodied, everyone’s healing experience through tarot. the hot sun is illuminating the colored glass sculpture outside. beautiful colors and light. i feel happy inside even though i also have some yuck there too. mud. boredom in connection. it is what it is. the coffee is so delicious. soon i will take a walk in that heat and tackle my aversion to it. why did i say that? the heat feels good kind of. i don’t quite know what i am saying. i am just writing. i am calling out to he, the one to arouse me from my slumber. i don’t care if he is the one or the temporary one. i only care that he is a soul connection that serves my healing and pleasure. vice versa of course. of course too, i want my twin flame by my side but if it’s gonna take a while, i am open to loving someone on the temporary. what have i got to lose? at this age, after so much loss, i don’t fear losing or attaching. i don’t fear intimacy. i don’t fear the weather…
intense dream. living in a high rise apartment in DC with my best friend. she is getting married to man who in real life is husband to another friend. a good guy. so she is leaving the apartment. it’s expensive and i cannot stay without her. i am trying to figure out how to stay but i am very chaotic. i call my mom at work (like i used to do in real life many years ago) and leave a message for her to call me back. i want her help. woke up to a text from a friend and therapist who just found out a client has a year to live due to cancer. it’s early, before 6 am. everything feels so intense. i feel so intense. yesterday i walked so much. all day at the park and in the morning, jogging and yoga. i could not stop moving my body. i could not stop reading the book, “a thousand acres” by jane smiley either. so good i could not put it down. i want to write like her. thinking this morning, or feeling rather, how short and temporary life truly is. you never know when death will come. death of your body. death of a relationship. death of your current home. death of health. i feel it all so deeply. still on the keto diet and it’s taking me fully out of food addiction. i feel what it is like to be free of cravings. my autoimmune disease is in remission. i feel free. a wonderful feeling even if i must count carbs and eat the same things each day that are boring. seems so minute compared to death but it’s so big because i have lived with autoimmune flares and addiction my whole life and so did my mom for much of it (until toxic levels of antibiotics she got from a doctor killed off the flares but probably destroyed her gut in the process, where she got the cancer). my dad has the same thing but his went away on its own in his fifties. it’s a mysterious disease. we all respond differently to it. i am on a weird path these days. alone. so alone. working and walking and writing and painting and hearing about death all the time and waking up super early and getting up a million times to pee and wondering if my story will every change as i realize each day my story could die at any moment. i think about other people’s lives and how different they are. i think about love and romance briefly as i do each day. my self worth is increasing because i feel the desire (not just think the truth) that love is not enough to “keep trying”. if the man cannot bring me happiness than i do not need him. i do not need a man. my mom said (from the other side) that security will be mine even though i am not there yet. i don’t know what this means but trust her advise coming through my spirit guide. i think about men and how fucked up they are from being brainwashed by society to not embrace their feelings. how compartmentalized they are. we are fucked up too in a different way. i just don’t need it. i also humble myself and think if i had a real emergency or got sick who would i call? i don’t know. i don’t feel there is anybody who has enough space to be here for me. my friends are all so busy with their lives and responsibilities. it’s kind of scary to realize that although i have so much love in my life, i don’t have that reliance on any human being to be here for me if i get hurt, sick or anything like that. but i remember san francisco, when i broke my ankle and had nobody. the city showed up. the universe provided. i guess i just need to trust. but i hope he comes soon. i still want him just as much….