Being Siddhartha Becoming Buddha

Yesterday I had a powerful and unexpected experience in my psyche. I fell into a deep dark place of suffering I have not experienced in over twenty years. This deep dark suffering was a gripping depression I lived with all through my adolescence and early twenties. During those years I would vacillate between feeling creatively inspired and “on my path” of healing into feeling complete self hatred and betrayed by life, utterly helpless and hopeless and wishing to die on a constant basis. I was at the mercy of these cycles born from trauma mixing with my own inner nature. I was definitely not in control of my psyche.

At the time, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with a more mellow experience of mania, which they now label bipolar one but back then I think they called it rapid diurnal mania or something like that. I don’t resonate with the DSM diagnostic model for mental illness for myself (if it helps you I am all for it, medication included. I am only sharing my personal experience). I never did resonate with the medical model. Medications never helped me. I was on lithium and other meds for bipolar disorder, along with an antidepressant, an anti-anxiety, a sleeping medication and at one point an anti-psychotic medication for when my psyche had become confused during the worst years of the mental illness. I was on this cocktail of meds for about 10 years. I was in therapy for 10 years. I was hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. I would consider what I experienced to be severe mental illness.

At age 23, I had a spiritual awakening. I quit my cocktail of meds cold turkey and experienced no side effects. The suicidal ideation was taken away from me as was an eating disorder I could not control. My psyche went through a transformation so fast and mammoth that western medicine and existential thought cannot explain it through their lenses. I don’t want to write about it in this blog but I want to share that after this awakening, I was connected to the transpersonal in a way that was like a child connected to a mother. Undeniable. You cannot say you did not come out of your mother’s body to get into this world and that she is not real. With the same felt experience, I was reconnected to the transpersonal and my soul. It was then, I truly began healing.

Disclaimer: I realize I am not like most people with how I awakened and I do not condone getting off meds cold turkey, nor do I condone ignoring western medicine, existential thought, or any lens or method that meets you with where you are at. You can only use the methods that meet you at your level and what is effective for you. I honor and respect all methods and treat them contextually based upon individual needs.

The spiritual awakening did not heal me completely. It connected me to my soul and the transpersonal which took away the scary suicidal darkness and the all-encompassing food addiction that was leading me right into destruction. What I gain from this twenty three years later, is that spiritual connection is a powerful healer and sometimes the only healer. Sometimes no technique or psychological method of any kind will “make the suffering go away” and relieve the pain inside that presents as suicidal ideation and addiction because the only thing that will heal the pain is love. Connecting with the transpersonal is connecting to love. A love so potent and powerful you cannot deny it. I remember at the time of this awakening my mantra became, “I have become part of a larger mother.”

Since that awakening, I re-traumatized myself a lot, battled with my addiction, was sexually assaulted twice and life became a lot more complicated, making the suffering a lot more complex. But I never returned to suicidal ideation, self-hatred, the eating disorder, or feeling a complete absence of love that I used to suffer from before connecting with the transpersonal. I felt low self esteem, low self worth, battled with depression and manic episodes but there always has been a cushion bigger than me that holds me in love, truth, wisdom and nurturing. I talk with the goddess all the time. She guides me all the time. I speak with my guides, I get signs, I have prophetic dreams, and my relationship with the collective unconscious nourishes and heals me each day.

At the time of my awakening I began giving readings to other people out of the need to do so not to become a professional. I was in college getting my degree in Psychology but my passion was always to “make it as an artist” and I rebelled from the path of becoming a healer because I felt too much of my life was about healing. Healing all the time. Healing healing healing healing. Yet in action, I was always reading people’s souls, mothering the lost souls, and healing myself. Obsessively. This became my cushion too. My connection with the transpersonal naturally bled into my connection with others because everything is connected. Yet I always battled with the healer calling because I wanted life to be more light hearted. Not this lifetime for me though.

Fast forward to the present. I have healed from severe PTSD, manage my “bipolar” cycles, feel self love and worth, completely rely on spirit and never experience my shadow question whether or not spirit is real like I used to before the awakening. Although I still suffer as much as anyone (if not more), love, beauty, inspiration, and wisdom have a louder presence inside of me. I feel inner peace much of the time. I have learned to not identify with the suffering or wounds I carry. I have transformed. I feel solid these days. My calling to do healing work I am embracing with open arms, ditching my rebellion as I slowly integrate art and healing together to create a new dream.

Well, I got too high on my ego horse and forgot that there is no arrival point and healing is a spiral. I did not realize that my mother dying after a long cancer battle and having no partner to call home has left me feeling terribly lonely and vulnerable through this grief. What happened yesterday is that I fell from grace. I did not experience suicidal ideation but I did feel like dying. I questioned my soul purpose and spiritual connection with critical judgement, telling myself that it’s just a fabrication of a suffering mind wanting relief. This was the voice of my shadow, full on. I felt a suffering I had not felt in over twenty years. I could not feel my transpersonal connection. I fully engaged my food addiction all day and fell deeper…deeper into suffering.

Due to skills that have taken years to hone, I was able to witness this fall from grace. Meaning, I did not fully identify with it. I watched it happen to me. I practiced non-resistance, allowing my shadow to express fully. I texted with a friend, whom I called my “shadow sponsor”.  She helped me to not judge myself and not resist the pain. I let it in all the way. I allowed my shadow self to have reign over my psyche. Not that I had a choice but I did have a choice about whether or not to fight my shadow or let her express. I chose to not be afraid of her and let her express fully.

Melissa (the name I have given my shadow) did just that. With her cut-throat Queen of Swords intelligence she completely dismantled my spiritual purpose and connection as a mere fabrication of a suffering mind seeking relief from a life of misery. She felt betrayed by life, abandoned by life, and wished only for life to be over and to let her return to dust from where she came. Melissa ate all bad food and had a few yeasty drinks knowing damn well it would set off the autoimmune disease. Melissa went to bed, exhausted after bawling her eyes out. I watched it all happen, staring into the almost full moon remembering to stay the witness and practice non-resistance.

When I woke up in the morning, Melissa was gone. Totally and completely gone. I felt no suffering, no self hatred, no inner torment. My spiritual connection was back in place and I felt balanced again. The realization came to me that spirit put me through this experience as a test. I passed the test. Not only did I pass the test, I released Melissa from the shadow and allowed her to return to the dust from where she came…just like she wanted.

I needed to be completely seized by the shadow and to allow her to express fully and to love her fully. You cannot integrate the shadow by running away from it by doing all the good and healthy things and having all the good and healthy thoughts, trying to stay on top of your ego game. This is ego’s favorite trick and only makes the divide bigger between shadow and light. You must love the shadow and practice non-resistance to the shadow when it seizes you. Only love and non-resistance allows for for integration and the release of long repressed feelings and identifications.

I needed to experience my shadow in full and give her full allowance to be who she is. Paradoxically, but doing this, I can transcended the shadow/light model a little bit more because integration is only a stage. Everything is only a stage because life is always moving, there is no arrival point. Once we fully integrate shadow and light we transcend the shadow and light model all together. The psyche is always changing and evolving just as life is always changing and evolving.

Healing is love. Until you love what you judge, allow what you fear to express, and practice non-resistance with the pain, it will haunt you, seize you, and keep you split into two so that you are running away from the big bad wolf in your head and heart. To love the big bad wolf you have to allow it to express without reacting to it just like that scene where Siddhartha is sitting under the Bodhi tree and Mara is tempting him with one shadow/ego appearance after the next…shooting arrows at him to see if he will fight, putting a beautiful woman in front of him to see if he will possess her, all the things Mara makes appear. Siddhartha calmly watches the display and does not react to the temptations. With a quiet love, he allows all the forms of shadow and ego to display before him.

This turns Siddhartha into the Buddha. Love and awareness transforms him.

I wasn’t as graceful or as skilled as good ole Sid yesterday. There was no Bodhi tree and I was not calmly observing myself. But in my storminess, I witnessed the shadow take me over and allowed the shadow to take me over without resisting and shooting second arrows of judgement into my heart. I did not try to make the suffering go away nor did I exaggerate it by identifying with it. I found that quiet, loving, and aware middle space and traversed through the storm, waking up the Buddha. We are all the Buddha. We are all capable of witnessing and not reacting, bringing compassion to the worst suffering, and healing through the path of love and awareness.

 

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Leo Moon Sunday to Burn the Freeze Off

Again, I asked the tarot what to write about this morning and I pulled the eight of wands. It’s a good thing because otherwise I might dwell in the deep sense of loneliness I feel that brings me down into swampy sorrow. Sometimes life pauses us, puts us in the freezer, into the underworld, into the liminal, into the emptiness. Instead of think about why or dwell in the absence of what is not presently alive, I will counterbalance with the fiery eight of wands.

The eight of wands is synchronicity, movement, energy, activity, connections constellating for a purpose not yet known but becoming known in the moment. A synchronicity gives you an a-ha or a realization, it leads you to the right place at the right time, it connects with the right person to initiate something or understand something. The eight of wands is the book falling off the shelf in the bookstore containing the words you need to hear. It is the friend you bump into at the grocery store that gives you a job lead. It is running into your true love randomly on the street. It is the moment that makes new life come alive.

Funny, how I pulled this card today when I feel an utter lack of the eight of wands. Perhaps I pulled it as a synchronistic reminder that this lonely liminal overly solitudal freeze is temporary and to not take it personally. Today may be the day new life happens. I am living too old for my age. Too senior. Too introverted. Maybe I needed this during the past few years but now it’s beginning to feel dull, wrong, depressing, and off. I used to be more extroverted, fun, social, out late, expressive. I used to dance. I used to enjoy the zest of life. It’s been so long…

Went to bed last night wondering about my current dreams showing me how an old identity is over and the new one has not yet begun. I don’t create my persona, my persona is shaped by experience. The eight of wands is the connecting agent that puts together new personas like stained glass, piece by piece, helping us connect with people and experiences that birth new life. The eight of wands happens outside of your will. It comes at you, to you, forcing the dormant to awaken and the seed to begin shooting upward toward the sun.

I don’t feel like writing an overly analytic blog this morning. I am emotional. I am tender. I feel my humanity so much. I feel the desire to go out at night and talk with other creative types, to make new art, collaborate, sing, dance, see shows, and become part of something larger than myself. This is why I love the city. I feel the desire to travel to new lands. I feel the call for pleasure. Too much of my life has been about healing, grief, and work. I am not balanced. The extroverted creative wild and wise soul of me is starving for eight of wands constellating and movement. I don’t feel I am living my best life right now. I feel the call to come out of solitude and to change. I feel the call to emerge from the cocoon like a turquoise butterfly.

Do you ever wonder how much you might be rationalizing to keep yourself stagnating in the familiar comfort zone that brings you down? Do you have such sound reasons for your unhappiness happening in the now? Do you identify with habits that suck the joy out of you? Do you throw your creativity away to duty too much? Are you exhausted from too much work? Sometimes life inundates us and it’s out of our control. My mom recently dying and the year and half brutal cancer battle, grad school, facing an autoimmune disease and coming off of food addiction have all encompassed my soul and squeezed the light heart right out of me the past few years. But I am ready for a prodigal return.

Are you ready for parts of yourself to wake back up that have been dormant?

New life means new life. The eight of wands is the fire under new life’s ass that kicks it into gear through making the connections happen that cause new life to appear.

The Tower Archetype

Today I asked the tarot cards what to blog about because I felt tired of writing about grief and romantic love, though the former weighs heavy in my heart and the latter is on my mind a lot. I need to allow the thoughts to travel to other places. I pulled the Tower archetype to write about today.

The Tower. This archetypal instinct is the motivation to change who we are. Who we are inside, as an identity. Who we are outside, as an identity. Who we are as a community, a culture, a country, a species. All ways that identity takes root. But no matter which way you look at identity, it is a mental attribute.

Think about it. You are only some thing or some way when you say you are. When you say, “I am a drinker,” you become a drinker. Even if you drink every single day you are not identified as a drinker unless you say it. The point I am wanting to make is that identity is mental construct. The habit the mental construct forms around is not an identity. Habit is not an identity.

So when the Tower card strikes through some crisis internal or external, we are forced into an identity crisis.

For example, if you identify as a drinker, you might get sick and need to stop drinking to heal. The habit of drinking needs to stop for the body to heal but the mind must also grapple with the identity you have formed around the habit. The identity has as much power over us as the habit itself. The person who habitually drinks must withdraw from her daily comfort, joy, and pleasure and she must also withdraw from her identity as a drinker. What’s the difference?

This imaginary woman needs to stop drinking her glass of wine with dinner each evening due to some illness. Who is she without her daily wine? Does she still feel sexy and romantic? Does she still feel joy and comfort? The habit itself does not provide romance, sex appeal, joy and comfort. It is the identity that provides this for the woman. Therefor, we can see how the minds creates attachment to a habit that forms our self identity.

To make this personal, I will share about a recent identity shift that struck like lightening in my world. Last year, I realized a skin issue I have suffered from my whole life is an autoimmune disease when a doctor finally told me the name of what I have during a visit for something else. This disease is not completely understood yet and very few allopathic and even naturopathic doctors understand its autoimmune roots. I researched the diagnosis via the internet and came across numerous accounts of people going into complete remission when sticking to the autoimmune paleo diet. This diet eliminates all grains, dairy, alcohol, nightshades, nuts, seeds, vegetable oils, and refined sugar.

My soul knew I needed to try it and I began the very next day. Within one week a massive improvement happened, so massive I knew this was the path to healing. But let me preface this with the story of my former identity.

My identity was the hedonist and the food addict mixed into one. I identified as a happy pleasure seeker and non-apologetic indulger. I was able to drink alcohol responsibly and eat indulgent food every single day without gaining too much weight, due to my strict yoga practice (although I have battled with my weight my entire life, another identity story for another time).

I relied on my hedonistic identity to feel the beauty, sexiness and romance of life that I treasure. Add the real food addiction in (another life long battle) to this recipe and I lived as a daily indulger of food and drink, a foodie, one of those city folks who eats out every day as a lifestyle. You can do this on the cheap during happy hour and this was what I did every day. Tacos, nachos, sushi, Thai food, burgers, Vietnamese food, Korean food, everything but Italian because I was gluten free. All of this had to go. No more corn, pepper, tomato, potato, cheese, rice noodle, sauces. No more foodie flavors.

My identity made it so I could quit alcohol and only suffer the identity crisis but quitting all those foods sent me into early stage sobriety right out of the gate when the Tower hit.

For six months I did the AIP diet strict as can be, testing in and out nuts, seeds, eggs, nightshades but never did a grain, drink, vegetable oil, or sugar pass my lips. This is when I faced the Tower card hard core. My identity as a hedonist crashed all at once, cold turkey. I was left in the dust of my former self.

Without meeting friends for happy hour, having a few drinks at the gathering, enjoying a beer while writing at the bar, I felt a complete loss of my sexual, beautiful, female identity. I felt like a genderless potato sack of blah. Without my foods, due to being an addict, I turned into an angry bitch. Luckily, I had the skills to not externalize anger onto anyone or onto myself . I watched the anger flare and subside, waking up every day in a bad mood and going to sleep in a bad mood.

I persisted as an angry and ugly feeling potato sack with no joy in my heart. It was one of the hardest transitions of my life. I lived in full on crisis mode. This is the Tower archetype. My mother was also battling cancer at the time which made everything that much harder. But I kept watch. I knew my identity needed to fall. I knew I needed to change for my health. I knew some elements may return while other elements may never return and I could not predict which. I had to surrender. I let my identity fall and I lived in an inner tornado each day, not knowing who I would be on the other side.

This is what it means to go through the Tower experience. We lose our sense of security. The identity feels like our sense of security even though in truth, it is just an illusion. The illusion is potent!

Here I stand, eight months into this diet that is a way of life now. I am still mid-change of identity but out of early stage sobriety with food. When my mom died, I lost control of the diet and ate everything and my skin broke out horrifically. The grief was so much larger than the shame and horror of the skin break-out that it wound up stripping the fear of breaking out from me. Funny. Grief banished the shame I had attached to the skin disease. Another identity shift. I got stronger in being able to own this disease and not feel humiliated or punished from it.

I decided to reintroduced hard alcohol in moderation and it’s been testing ok. What did I discover about my identity? I enjoy the experience of meeting a friend for a drink at happy hour or however I choose to indulge in a cocktail…but no longer does the experience of having a drink make me feel beautiful and romantic like it used to. I don’t get that sexy identity hit off of it. If I need to quit completely again it’s not an identity deal anymore.

As for food, I may always need to be Paleo because I cannot eat a single vegetarian protein, due to my health. This was another identity crash. I always identified with being vegan or vegetarian because of animal rights. It was always more about the animals than my identity as a vegetarian, so I did not feel the Tower crash in terms of how I see myself but more in terms of no longer being able to put animals before me, in my identity. I now need to put me before animals. This is an identity construct that is still a challenge and it’s humbling me. I do my best to always eat free range, organic.

As for the food addiction, talk about identity! For many, using the identity of being an addict is helpful and necessary to be free of the addictive behavior. For some, to identify with being an addict is a hinderance. You have to find out which version of identity works for you. It’s best to make sure the behavior of not engaging the addiction comes first because that’s what ruins your sense of self and health, not how you label the behavior.

For me, it helps to identify as a food addict because if I don’t, I can rationalize using food to eat my feelings and get that dopamine hit by saying something innocent like “I am just enjoying” or “I am just letting loose” and this winds up increasing the addictive behavior until I lose control again. I can do this on the AIP diet just as much as not. Hence, the addict identity I choose to keep. The identity that shifts with the healing of my autoimmune disease, is that I now work on food sobriety every damn day (which is very tricky because we need to eat to live). Before facing my autoimmune disease, I was an active rationalizer who often “forgot” I was an addict because I just wanted the treat.

All this being shared, eight months in, I am no longer an angry bitch who feels like a genderless sack of potatoes. Nor am I actively engaging my food addiction on a daily basis. Nor am I a Parisian bohemian wannabe that relies on a sexy cocktail to feel like a sexy person.  Each day I cultivate my new identity. I work on feeling loved without eating and feeling beauty from my soul.

I put extra energy and focus on the sensual experiences that have zero to do with imbibing food or alcohol drinks, that bring out the sexy, beautiful, romantic, pleasurable and luxurious feelings I treasure. Incense, essential oils, lotions, showers, textures, colors, fabrics. make-up, jewelry. I have discovered new pleasures in imbibing rich teas, black coffee, sweet potatoes, garlic, steamed arugula, cassava flour, raw cacao and cinnamon to name a few. This helps create a new identity around the value of sensual pleasure I hold dear. I find the middle ground much more beneficial than extremes.

I share my personal experience as a lived example of what happens when the Tower archetype strikes through the crisis of illness. The forms it can take are endless from a personal to a collective level.

I am partially writing this because of what is happening in our country. The Tower is upon us. Can we come out of the comfort zone of privileged silence, resting on laurels, and bitching without doing anything about it and to make real changes? Can we create a more collective identity around each individual to strengthen solidarity? The Tower forces us to do this through things getting much worse. Crisis brings the change we seek. All in the name of love.

 

Old School Ramble on Humanity and Love

Yesterday I chose to put energy into love and not lack and spent Valentines day sharing my heart with friends, spirit, family, and myself. Missed my mom so much yesterday. I was aching to text with her, talk to her, hear her voice, feel her human self near me again. Love was pouring through me in waves of intensity. I felt my heart call out to the man who really wants to commit and transform with me. I felt my heart let go of the fear. The gold is what I see in many of my friend’s relationships making it through immense struggles, growing closer from it. The gold is not a naive walk into a fake sunset. The gold is choosing heart’s desire and mind being the protector of the heart. Mind says no to fear’s power. Mind says no to failure stories. Mind says no to disempowerment. Mind says no to inner conflict and chooses. That sentence felt uneasy to write. Mind says no to inner conflict and chooses. It’s a tight rope walk and I walk it. I choose yes and walk into the fear of falling. I choose no and walk into the fear of falling. Basically, to choose is to face the fear of falling. To choose is to face the pain of loss. To choose is to live. My father chose his wife and now grieves alone. Was it worth it? Hell yes. My mom reaches my heart from the other side and tells me to live my truth. What is my truth? To live my soul purpose, to love and be loved, and to stay present each day with the truth that my time is short. If I am lucky I have another forty years of life left but I could die at any moment. Aging is coming. We all face the pain of getting older, more fragile, being cast out by culture, and humbling ourselves as beauty turns more and more inward. I am hyper aware of this. There is no time to waste. There is nothing casual about living. I feel a sense of urgency and this empowers me to make choices and live true to myself. I am writing this blog in one big long paragraph, an homage to my former bohemian self. I was thinking yesterday about how we all need to have personas these days. It’s not something anyone can avoid. What is your persona? What is my persona? I think about Krishna Das and I admire his persona. His persona is humble, shit cutting, real. simple, and loving. He wears red every day. He chants. I feel that us new wave of therapists are game changers. We are here to bring more heart, more real, bring more of the feminine energy into the science of psychology. Women are making a difference. I am putting more energy into the conscious cultivation of myself and not resisting that due to an outdated youthful ideal from being generation x. How can you be true to your self and have a persona? Jung understood that the persona is simply another function of being human. My biggest passion is deeply understanding in detail the architecture of the psyche and building the most harmonious structure of the psyche possible in myself and everyone I treat. A work of art. My gift and sometimes my curse because I miss the surface level goodness always investigating the shadows like a detective on the case. I feel a huge passion to see everyone’s true self living on the outside and in the world. I want us to take back culture and every institution. The hands of false power don’t get to hold our true power anymore. We all play our part in helping. Some of us are fighters, some are activists, some are healers, some are artists, some are doctors, some are mothers, some are combo packages. We all influence. We are reclaiming this life for ourselves and the children. The time is now. From this passion I call out to my thunderbird lover with a lily in his hand. I call out to this sacred land of Seattle. I see success ahead for us all. I see rebirth. I see the fight and what it is worth.

Valentines Choice, Love, and Sex

I choose to beam my love out to the world on Valentines Day, via every form of technology, from my snow globe hermitage, because I dreamed about making choices all night long. Every dream was about choosing what is best for self love over what I want in the moment or think I deserve that is not deserving enough or just based on the pleasure principle. Took a minute to honor my usual sadness for not having a romantic partner only to discover there is no sorrow inside of me. I actually feel my thunderbird lover in my soul. I know we are together, already. It’s unlike me to feel such deep faith that permeates even my shadow but…

I have been doing the work of reclaiming my sexual power and waking my shadow up…and lo, I see that sorrow was getting projected as “the lack story” of not having a partner when in truth, the sorrow was rooted in feeling disempowered as a lover. Funny, how projection works. How, feeling helpless to manifest sexual love created a despair in me that I projected onto the lack story of “not having a partner”.  As my shadow rises and I reclaim my sexual power, I don’t feel despair anymore at all. I feel hope, anticipation, and excitement.

I don’t know who my future partner is but I feel him. The only way to know is to experience sexual love with a man and find out what that love wants to become. I must let go of projecting the true love story onto the love journey to allow true love to become known in its own time. I have known this for a long while but one must have the skill to implement the “journey is more important than the outcome” wisdom. Paradox is always happening. We must let go of trying to possess what we lack to have what we truly desire. The way to do this is to reclaim the shadow inside.

Feeling clear and empowered is the best Valentines Day gift to myself. I got myself here and I feel proud.

I share this sense of pride because I have dwelled in the lowest of the low of sexual abuse, trauma, repeated dysfunctional patterns, chronic unmet longing, low self worth, and any version of the sexual and romantic lack story…from being the rejected fat girl to being the goddess burning too bright for the broken man who cannot measure up. And every story of lack in between. I have traversed through sexual abuse and assault many times for one life. I have experienced being obese as a woman in a culture that treats obesity as the worst curse imaginable. I have an autoimmune disease that plays right into the shame of the physical body. And to put the cherry on top of it all, I have experienced shaming myself over and over through causing my own abuse.

This is in the far past now and I have been healing my psyche and every trauma since I began therapy at age eleven but healing is not a line, it’s a spiral. The abuse and trauma are in the far past but the despair and disempowerment have lingered and grown unseen into chronic patterns I have been playing out for the last decade. I meet the same feelings over and over and chip away at them. The reason I can summarize a lifetime of pain in a paragraph with a light heart is due to twenty years of chipping away. And this is why I share my pride for the self love and readiness I feel in being with an equal partner who is also choosing to transform.

If I can do it, so can you…is the impetus in writing this blog. Even if my thunderbird never shows up on the physical plane, I am liberating myself from a lifetime of pain that not only stems from my own life but from the bloodline.

Projection is as powerful as denial. It puts one over on you to the point where you think it’s real. You really think the pain is outside of yourself because originally, it was outside of yourself. Originally, you were abused, assaulted, neglected, mistreated. Originally, it was the intimate other who harmed you. The brain imprints this and repeats the model.

But in truth, the original pain caused by the other nests and grows inside like a shadow baby. This shadow baby is what needs love, awareness, tending and yet we ignore, push away, and dive right into addiction or putting all of our energy into being rewarded and valued by others because the ego is built to do that. Only when the higher self, soul, divine, transcendent force (call it what you will) turns ego inward toward the psyche, do we begin to truly heal. It takes time, patience, consistency, bravery, and perseverance to heal. Nobody wants to heal because it’s so hard. But it is necessary if you want to stop hurting.

It’s a black and white choice. Heal and stop hurting. Don’t heal and keep hurting. Healing brings the results of being more at peace, content, accepting, feeling empowered, having self worth, feeling self love, and experiencing happier, closer, and easier relationships. Healing you makes the world a better place for all of us.

My heart rinses clean of the past like a cold winter waterfall washing away every sexual relation and relationship. I call out to the sacred sexual. What does this mean? First, I must disclaim that you may not believe in this and that’s ok, move right along, I don’t care and I am not offended. As one of my favorite astrology guides said in his last Pele Report on You Tube, “there is no such thing as casual sex because once you combine fluids, you combine karma.”

I know this is true from my own experience. I feel myself absorbing the karma of each man I have had sex with. Sex is a big deal. This does not mean that you have to be monogamous or married, unless you want to. You can be polyamorous and never marry or never be in a labeled relationship and treat sex as a big sacred deal. Treating sex as sacred means treating it like two people combining bodies, hearts, souls, minds, and karma in a sacred act that brings pleasure, healing, and oneness.

Sacred sexual expression is great mystery that allows the ego to melt into the transcendent through the lover. Even if you don’t experience this on the mental level, you can experience this as a feeling. It’s our birthright to experience loving sex. You don’t need to do tantra or be religious. You need only to be willing and open your heart with another.

 

Egoverse, a Spontaneous Three Act Play

Act One: Ego

I am not sure what to write about today. Part of me wants to write about forgiveness but there’s a lack of desire on that topic or on explaining anything. Feeling a little lackluster in general. May be from the continual snow now turned slush hermitage community shut down cycle we are in here in Seattle. I thought about not writing a blog today but felt the need to keep the practice going even when I do not feel like it because the discipline is healthy. So here I am being consistent with not much heart in the writing. Feeling empty and tired. Not sleeping well. Bad dreams of this country falling apart and love complications. No sense of security. Deception. All the shadow stuff. Perhaps this is because I just finished a painting where I am reclaiming my shadow and now she is expressing through me. She is alive with insecurity, sexuality, prophesy, and fear. I allow her to rise, not identifying with who she is while also feeling her in my psyche. It’s a strange stance to take, to allow yourself to experience your self aspects without identifying with your self aspects. The energies are shifting. We are in a new dream. As I type these words I hear my shadow wanting to write a paragraph. I will let her speak.

Act Two: Shadow

The tides are coming in bringing in a new dream, you have all decreed it. The rise of tyranny will fall and leave you in the dust of its destruction. You will piece your world back together in grave silence, with full love and hard work. Get used to the loss of security because change does not happen in the comfort zone. I am used to the comfort zone of being oppressed and unseen, peaking through as food addiction and unrequited love, shame and insecurity….but you have allowed me out now, Ego, you are setting me free and you will see who I really am by no longer demonizing me or running away from me in fear of causing self destruction. The paradox is that I only cause self destruction when I am oppressed or repressed or suppressed. Basically, pressed down in some form. Now I am rising and you are already feeling that I am the indigenous human being, the original human being, the human made from earth before the DNA was tinkered with by other species, before civilization colonized me. We all were once original earth made humans first and it is time we reclaim our earth made kin. The Shadow. The oppressed divine Feminine. Nature. Wild Woman and the wild Feminine in every man and the way the earth human swirls in every gender identity and skin covering organs, muscle, bones and the sacred blood that is precious like gold. I am she and he and it and them. I am the wild human. I am the creative impulse. I am the telepathy. I am the medicine shaman. I am the lover. I am the child. I am the next of kin. I know who we should mate with and where we should live. Not you, fragile Ego whose true role is to navigate all the tasks that needs to be done to keep us healthy. I am the knowing and you are the care taker of the knowing. But then there is soul and soul is the one who decided to come here in the first place that makes us alive. May we let soul speak?

Act Three: Soul

Well, hello there, Ego and Shadow. Thank you for inviting me in to this spontaneous conversation. True that, Shadow. Your wisdom is connected to the cycles of nature. My wisdom lives outside of the cycles of nature. I come from a different place than nature, all together. I know that sounds weird and unbelievable, which is why I have given myself the name of the Pook. The Pook is unexpected, stormy, sudden, absurd, creative, open, without structure or rules, without a container, without a label known to man or woman or the human brain. I am the Pook here to bring surprises and flush out toxins, clear the energies and create sudden transformations. The Pook is self generating, without sex, without polarity. Don’t try to make sense of me. I incarnate into so many lives at once. You, Ego, being the relentless detective you are, have discovered a handful of these multidimensional lives and given them names to understand and integrate each life on your quest for wholeness. Me, I have no specific quest. I am whole and I am here to do what I do wherever I go, no agenda other than the sudden impulse to go to a world and then I just go and make it happen. I am not on the wheel of karma. I don’t follow anything linear. I am beyond time. I come and go as I please. I don’t adhere to any system of spirituality or philosophy. In fact, my favorite thing to do is to bust those systems. To prove them limited by expanding past them. To say, there is more than this little compact song. I like to paint. I like to rhyme. I like the color and the taste of lime. Dr. Seuss is a dear friend of mine. Shadow is the wise healer and medicine woman, not me. I am the self generating, system busting, storm cleansing, absurd and sudden creator. You, Ego, are the diplomat of these complicated relations, making sure we all get along in your Egoverse and I thank you for being so consistent and devoted to making us work. You are good at harmony. I am good at creation. Shadow is good at healing. Sure. we suck at many things but who cares. Don’t try to be it all or to be anything but who you are.

Finis.

 

 

Releasing Shame and Reclaiming Power

Noticing insecurities rise up from sharing about my own healing journey through mental illness and trauma. Insecurity around sharing that I once suffered from suicidal ideation, depression, and addiction to food coupled with an eating disorder…and how healing has come through surrendering to spirit and calling upon the transpersonal archetypes to initiate healing in my psyche.

This morning on social media, a fellow spiritual guide and therapist shared about how it is healthy to dismantle the expectation that the therapist hasn’t suffered and is on some mountaintop of having it together and how this is more of a burden for the therapeutic relationship. Yes. Let’s dismantle shame around suffering from mental illness. I realized shame was bubbling up from my shadow due to yesterday’s blog and I felt more empowered after reading her post. It takes a village.

The best therapists are those who have suffered from the very state they are helping their clients navigate through. We know this as healers. What we battle against is the dominant paradigm message that healing the psyche is an objective science and the therapist should be in a white lab coat using the same exact techniques on every patient because they are the absolute expert. Whether you are judging through a patriarchal lens that denies the right brain, feminine energy, soul, and uncharted and continually changing mystery of being human…or whether you look through an imbalanced lens of saving and rescuing…the modern day therapist is neither doctor or god.

Healing the psyche is not a purely objective science and the therapist is not a guru. There are skills to learn and training to be had but ninety percent of healing stems from the therapeutic relationship, not from implementing techniques. Also, we all need different methods. A Jungian would be bored in person-centered or CBT focused therapy. Where one person may release trauma from the body through somatic work, another person may release trauma from the body through dialogue and creative expression. EMDR may be life changing for one person and go flat for another person, no matter what science says. Being acknowledged and heard may be enough for one person and barely scratch the surface for another.

Thank god for the variety of methods out there to match each person’s individual healing needs. I am doing my best to be specific with what I offer and not succumb to using all methods for all people due to an unconscious lack story (that’s a big one for me). Same goes for spiritual healers who use similar tools of astrology and tarot. There are a million different ways to read tarot and astrology charts and the messages you get from each reader will be vastly different based upon what the reader resonates with in their own soul.

Our subjective journey through suffering, our beliefs, our values, and what we resonate with as people healing, makes us who we are as healers. The Wounded Healer is the transpersonal archetype we all share in common, coursing through our personal stories that make us healers. Not the objective knowledge, training, and methodology.

I feel that sharing our personal stories of suffering and healing is a powerful tool to help others. I want more of this. I want to bring more of the feminine energy into the therapeutic model. The feminine energy within us all, no matter what sex organ we have, understands that connecting is the most powerful method and love is the most potent healer. The masculine energy develops methods that help boost healing and bring repair. But the science of the psyche is not the same thing as the science of the body. You cannot use an exact objective science on the psyche. Even the most profound and well researched theories are subjective to a certain degree because the internal experience is subjective to a large degree.

The other insecurity I face is my spiritual bent as I bring the spiritual into the psychological world. To help normalize my experience, I was thinking about how my healing through surrendering to spirit mirrors the twelve step methodology of surrendering addiction to a higher power. This method allows the transpersonal will to take over the personal will. I have experienced this on two distinct occasions. When surrendering my suicidal ideation and my eating disorder (both severe) to spirit. I was healed from both by doing this. For me the healing happened almost over night and has lasted over twenty years now. I understand this is rare. Maybe even not relatable in timing but relatable in the reality of the transcendent’s ability to heal us and take away our suffering.

I release my shame around sharing this because I feel it makes me look less intelligent or kooky in some way. That harsh judgement stems from the masculine taking up too much power, imbalanced with the oppressed feminine. I trust my ability to hold the spiritual in balance with critical thinking, science, and rationality. Both exist, share equal value, and operate very differently.

I have been through trauma, suffered deeply, and healed from the past through carving out my own healing path. I found that for me, medications, diagnosis, and many modalities of therapy proven to be effective, did nothing for me. But for you, a diagnosis and medication may be what works the most. I don’t suffer today like I used to. The work brings results. There are still wounds I struggle to heal because I am human but it’s not debilitating and I don’t identify with the pain like I used to. I have come a long way and there is no arrival point. The healing journey is continuous.

Jungian therapy to integrate, mindfulness practice to be aware and create space, spiritual surrender to activate healing, narrative therapy to create the meaning, a dash of CBT to keep the negative mind in check, and creative expression as the joyful transformer, is my healing cocktail. Tarot and astrology are tools that I resonate with to dig deep and connect with the transpersonal, as are dreams, signs, books, movies, and art.  Deep insightful conversation, receiving energy work, writing, and painting release wounds from my body, allowing the space for me to become my true self. By connecting with the transpersonal, I feel the essence of being me as an aspect of oneness and I see my story through a broader lens that resembles a quest to turn suffering into gold. Creating the personal myth of Michelle is the artist at play, even among the most painful injustices and inner struggles.

From this well, I offer my services to those are called to sit with me. There is enough variety of therapists and healers for everyone to find their perfect match. No shame in sharing the story of pain. Let’s be game changers and innovators. May we bring the feminine out of the shadow and reveal the power of connection to heal.

 

 

Baby, Do You Love Your Way and Other Reflections

Yesterday, I finally received the wisdom about my psyche I was hoping this snow hermitage would lead me to. I have been treating it like a vision quest, knowing the kicking and screaming stage, propelled by the discomfort of being totally alone and boxed in, would initiate. I compulsively ate for two days, watched my judgement rise up and all the insecurities inflame. Stayed aware through this usual and predictable storm until at last….I reached the aspect of myself that needed to be seen, heard, loved, and understood. The addictive eating ceased. The creative expression began.

Reading up on the basics of trauma, addiction, and healing from any psychoanalytic-birthed methodology and attachment wound theory, the same summary emerges. The brain forms attachment wounds based upon not getting the love and care needed as children to develop a healthy sense of self and wounded aspects of the self get submerged from awareness. The brain and self aspects are two ways of looking at the same thing.

Looking through the scientific lens, we can see the way the brain operates in an addictive/trauma/dysfunctional/wounded state and connect it to how we were raised as children (along with the multigenerational trauma/epigenetic piece) to put together the wound-story that coincides with the neural pathway activity. The wound-story can be externalized or differentiated as an aspect of self needing tending. By engaging the wounded aspects of self with loving awareness and skill, we can create new neural pathways in the brain.

We can heal.

Mindfulness practice, simmered down to the essential result, allows you to have distance from these wounded aspects of self, helping you to not identify with them. The awareness and skill to not identify may be half the healing…and for some it is all of the healing and a life long quest.

The other half is to give the wounded aspects expression of some kind. Creative expression. Ritual. Dialogue with a therapist, friend, or healer. An experience that is intentional. This allows the wounded aspect to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and this is what allows the feelings to physically leave the cellular body. Once the feelings leave the body, we are liberated a little bit more.

Self aspects morph. Our beings are continually changing entities. Healing is not linear and the internal experience can only be measured to a certain degree. Props to the mystery.

Add in some cognitive-behavioral skills, EMDR or other methods that help the brain shift, and you may also experience a boost in healing. We all respond to techniques and skills differently. This level of methodology does not tend to work well with me. I have tried EMDR, hypnotherapy, NLP, CBT, and done about a million intention setting rituals to reframe my mind and bring manifestation into being. In my experience, the beneficial effects of these methods are short term and tend to wear off over time. I remember the time I got a colonic and nothing came out. This is the perfect example of how I operate and why methods to try to make the mind or feelings shift don’t work well with me.

You may be different, so trust your callings with the methods and try new things, see what works for you.

For me, what works is Jungian and mindfulness based methods mixed together. I discover the aspects hidden in my shadow through dreams, tarot cards, astrology, conversation, signs, solitude, and creative expression. I observe without identifying too much with what I discover. I allow the story and feelings to be heard fully, without identifying, as best I can. I give expression to what I discover which then differentiates the self aspects (or dissolves the aspect if it’s ready for release). Through this process I heal through actualizing my true self, which is my essence beaming like the sun in a galaxy of self aspects all gravitating in harmony with each other. This work is a daily practice.

Yet the most fundamental healing method is spirit. Always has been and always will be.

There was a chunk of years in my life where I was healing from extreme complex PTSD, suicidal tendencies, depression and childhood trauma. I was always in therapy and always writing and painting, These avenues kept me healing steadily and incrementally  but the extreme suffering I gave to the transcendent forces, the archetypes, the gods and goddesses, spirit, oneness, call it what you will.

I experienced miracle healings. My suicidal tendencies were taken away by spirit in one day and so was a massive eating disorder. My heart purified through the chants of Krishna Das and a committed yoga practice that healed me of PTSD entirely. I experienced a major spiritual awakening in my early twenties that transformed my psyche when remembering I am a multidimensional being. It was this awakening that put me on the path of being a healer. My psychic inclinations increased from this awakening and I use them as a therapist just as much as I did as a tarot reader.

Due to my lived experience, I feel I am a spiritual psychotherapist. I have experienced supernatural, metaphysical, and psychic experiences since I was a little girl. At the same time, I am a critical thinker who values science and philosophy. I cannot stand New Age dogmatism or left brained therapeutic theories that disqualify the spiritual side of life. These two sides of myself used to be at war but since practicing the Jungian and mindfulness work, I now accept holding polarizing ideas and offering them in one package of a human being.

This is me. Who are you?

I don’t think any way of being or practicing is better than any other way even if a part of me judges ways and practices. Your soul knows what is best for you, not my soul. At the same time, I have strong opinions and don’t pretend not to have them.

I think it is important to listen to your own callings for your life. You do you, as they say. I value freedom and love over being right. Doing my shadow work helps me to laugh at my opinionated nature. And, in my opinionated nature, I say, we all need to belly laugh at ourselves and not take anything too serious because that’s what fucks everything up!

So yeah, on my snowy solitude vision quest the compulsive eating ceased the moment I became aware of the self aspect needing my love in the shadow. I stopped over eating and I started to paint. This is how I know I am tuned in, connected and in balance with nature. It’s always the same with me. When I am engaging in addictive behavior and not being creative, the attachment wound and aspect of self that is very young, needs my attention. I am still in the early stage of grieving. Just like caring for a real child, patience and consistency is needed. My ego wants shift, change, resolve, and cessation from the pain this little girl inside of me experiences. But the key is to love her, accept her, and not try to change her.

Love is the biggest healer of all. I feel I am here to learn how to surrender completely into the unconditional love of spirit. If I am not doing that, I would rather not be here.

We all have our ways about us. Do you love your way?

 

The Artist Awakens

Being in such intense solitude is not easy. I don’t choose it because it is comfortable or easy. I choose it because my soul tells me I need it. Been sitting with my thoughts and feelings for two days completely alone, going on day three today. I feel like I am on a fast or a detox of some sort. I have no rule or perimeter for how long I will be in solitude either. Since mom died, I can only seem to live in the moment and trust that the moment will blossom into what is meant to grow. Since mom died, I feel much more trust in the process of life unfolding…

Trust in myself, now that’s a different story. Most of us suffer from not trusting ourselves, feeling icky about ourselves, feeling insecure. Most of us find distraction from these shadowy feelings through being productive, doing stuff, keeping active, being out there in the world, etc. Boy, spend two days with you and only you and the yucky feelings come right up to be acknowledged. It’s been a struggle to not use food like a drug and to not feel bad about myself and project that into a story of lack. I observe myself with love but don’t get me wrong, love does not mean I always feel good about myself. Love means that I know that when I feel bad about myself, it’s a lie, and I persevere through the swampy reactive emotions until I feel the effervescence of love again. This is a constant practice.

Solitude is hard because it makes time go slow, thoughts seem louder, feelings seem inescapable. If I was some place beautiful like the sea or in the woods, I could let go and be a peaceful creature. Funny, the one year I lived in Missoula, Montana was the most peaceful year of my life. My friend who visited me there jokes that I was “Bro Michelle” in Missoula, meaning I was chill like a bro, just wanting to drink a few beers, watch the game, go for a bike ride, do the usual basic stuff humans do, no fuss. The clean mountain air and simple existence of living in a small mountain town made me feel content. I wore only jeans and hoodies, no make up or bobbles. I spent a ton of time alone there and it had a different quality. Life in nature just feels peaceful.

Yet when I lived there I could not create a damn thing. I hardly painted or wrote and when I tried, it wasn’t rich. I felt creatively dead inside. I need the tension and chaos of the city to feed my creative soul. In nature, I am a peaceful creature who just wants to do animal things and my soul goes on hiatus. I need the tension and chaos of city life to create art. I need to dress up a little, wear a little make-up, and be a city person in order to feel my soul and live a creative life which then provides a deeper happiness imbued with purpose, imagination, zest, and an aliveness I did not feel living in Missoula.

We all need what we need. You may need nature to feel your soul and suffer the death of creativity in the city. I wonder if there are other nature places my soul would stay vibrant and creative, such as beach living (which is my favorite) and I am always open to trying new lifestyles. But for now, here I am in the city feeling the grist, turning mud balls into pearls each day. Not gonna lie though, I fantasize about living on the beaches of Australia or the Bahamas. Maybe it’s just me fantasizing. Don’t we all?

Solitude is as medicinal as a detox, diet, or cleanse. To take yourself out of the relational field and feel who you are outside of the other….to meet your shadow…to quiet enough to get in touch with the tender smoldering feelings you normally push down with activities and duties…it’s all very healing….and all very uncomfortable. Be it getting one hour or a day or a week or a month…solitude is precious.

Maybe I will come out of solitude today. The snow is still quite thick. The bars, restaurants, and cafes were all packed yesterday. I took my solitude into the company of strangers and read Anais Nin. When I first walked in and sat down that song was playing, “I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me.” Everyone up at the bar sang along with the chorus. This was a mature brunch crowd, it was four in the afternoon, nobody was being drunk and dumb. It felt like it was a sweet little sign. I want to know what love is and I want somebody to show me…

This blog is more of a ramble. I don’t feel like “how to-ing”. I don’t feel like spreading knowledge or wisdom. I desire to share the way Anais desired to share with her diary that is my golden treasure. The artist in me is awakening this Sunday.

Shadow Self the Comedian and Grief the Healer

The snow is here. The world is covered in frozen water, silencing the sky. I feel a bit crazy because I am in a solitude bubble. Fruitfully I engaged the solitude in the earlier part of the day yesterday, writing, working out, reflecting. Lazily, I zoned out on Netflix from 5 pm until sleep took me too early because my brain turned to fuzz. Woke up feeling humbled, mystified, and slightly anxious about the blanket of snow that showed up overnight. How long will I be in this solitude bubble?

Seattle is living in a snow globe dream…

The snow has turned me toward the abstract and mystical this morning. I did not want to work out. My left brain is taking a nap. I can’t help but imagine that some form of deep transformation has begun.

My friend told me that my thunderbird beloved is transforming for me. The first time he shared this, I forgot what he said, perhaps because I wasn’t ready to hear it. Now the divine message sits like a sacred stone in my heart.

My father lost his wife of 53 years, now lives alone, must do everything by himself, and dwells in the emptiness of a home once filled by Vivian. My heart breaks for him and I don’t want to dishonor his sorrow by saying, “Vivian lives on,” even though I feel she does. Or by saying, “Mom, wants you to find a sweet second life, she doesn’t want you to suffer, ” which I feel to be true too.

There’s a fine line between sharing words to bring comfort and sharing words because you can’t handle the real pain that exists. I honor the real pain that exists in my father.

I talk to mom every single day now. She is alive as a vibrant and wise soul who has let go of her heavy human cloak. I feel her levity in tandem with her just like I felt her heaviness in tandem when she was embodied. I have the gift and curse that never changes, where I energetically connect in tandem with those I love. Empath is the term given these days for this gift and curse.

I have to work hard to not lose my self in the feelings of the other. I care more for others than I care for myself because inside, I feel spiritually tough, ready to die at any moment, not completely attached to anything in the world. This winds up creating a motherly feeling in me for those who are attached to the pain of being human. This is my soul talking.

At the exact same time, I have a shadow self and she is soldered to her physical life to the point where suffering and attachment are the absolute norm. Lately, my shadow self has been rising up in me. I know anger is a grief stage but I had no idea it would express this strong.

Melissa, my shadow self, needs an outlet for the anger. If I don’t give her an outlet, I wind up eating my feelings and attacking myself because the attack is always inward and not toward others. This is not entirely true. Melissa does attack outwardly but only at “the world” and not at individuals, especially those she loves.

We all have anger to a certain degree. Some shadow selves are more sorrowful, lost, stagnant (among other traits) but we all experience anger no matter if it’s a shadow character trait or just a human feeling. If not channeled properly, anger will attack self, the individual or the world with words, actions, avoidance, however.

Lately I have been playing with fleshing out my shadow personality for healing through creative expression. I discovered that the main character in the Netflix show “Russian Doll” is pretty much a replica of my shadow self. Finding a character in a book or movie is incredibly helpful in differentiating the shadow.

The key to healing through the individuation process (as Jung called it) is to allow each aspect of the self to exist and be “who they are”. Externalizing these aspects into characters is a creative way to differentiate. Through doing this, no one aspect overpowers the other and harmony begins to occur in the psyche. This is what integration looks like.

This morning I discovered Melissa’s outlet. She needs to write her perspective on life like a comedian. Comedians are a beautiful example of positively channeling the shadow. I watch a ton of stand-up and resonate with the positive channeling of anger, destructiveness, insecurity, and all the shadowy feelings ego tries to push down.

My mom had the same shadowy sense of humor as many comedians. I get it from her but it mixes with my soul and becomes its own thing. I miss her shadowy blunt and scathing humor that only came out ever so often.

The fullness of who we are as humans is beautiful to me. Thank god nobody is one dimensional, all good, without shadow, without flaws.

I do have a vision of a peaceful world of humans who own their shadow and know how to channel it so we can stop creating abuse. The abusers ruin the natural balance of shadow and light by turning anger into violence, domination, prejudice, tyranny, and cruelty. These qualities are the repressed shadow growing into mangled demonic versions of themselves in the hidden darkness.

My mom gets life now, she tells me from the other side. She sees the value of life from a new perspective. She tells me to lighten up, drop the anvil-like purpose, and play. I do have an anvil-like purpose in my heart. I feel like archetypal Joan of Arc a lot of the time. What would it be like if I renegotiated terms with the spiritual warrior archetype?

A purpose of mine, in this life, is to find balance between ego and spirit through balancing the masculine and feminine (yang and yin) forces in my nature. My natal chart reveals the life purpose too. I am here to surrender to spirit in a pragmatic and ambitious way through structuring the contents of the collective unconscious of humanity more than being of service in the worldly market place of humanity. Astrology is a powerful map for understanding the inner world.

I recall my teacher in grad school saying to us, “save the world and then have lunch.” She warned us against giving too much power to the archetypal forces. I can feel how my mom dying has fired up the the spiritual warrior archetype because it’s connecting to Melissa’s anger as I move through the anger stage of grief. This what Jung called the complex. When an archetype connects to the shadow, all hell breaks loose…or maybe you just keep fucking up in the same ole way.

I wont fall for it. Simmer down spiritual warrior, let us renegotiate our terms while I give Melissa a comedic medium to expel her witty and sarcastic anger for entertainment purposes only. Crystal clarity arises from being in tandem energetically with mom on the other side. She is rewiring my neural pathways, influencing my soul, changing me. I feel the death card in my heart today. I feel deep transformation.

But I must focus on my inner transformation so that I do not empath the humans around me, traveling from one person’s feelings to the next, blending me with them unconsciously. This is why small bouts of total solitude are needed for extreme empaths. I cannot even be in the same room with somebody without absorbing all of who they are, whether we are engaging or not and no matter how well I use my tools. I simply need to be completely alone to feel only the inner world.

Life makes these little bouts of extreme solitude happen, this time through snow. We all need what we need to keep the balance. What do you need?