yesterday was one of the hardest days. i was taken back to my mother’s death in session. i was ok and held the loving space needed. after work i needed somebody and there was nobody there. i felt in shock. couldn’t process. felt so vulnerable. and there i was, alone. i felt the starkness of being alone. i felt my mother gone. it had already been a rough morning from no sleep from my upstairs neighbors sexcapades (good for them, bad for me). the night before i had been feeling the loneliness too as my previous blog talks about. so already was in a vulnerable place. the lyft driver on the way to work played muslim chant music. it was so fucking beautiful. i closed my eyes and found my spiritual center. this is my core and my home. spirit. not a partner. nothing in the physical. i am thankful for the loving family and friends i have too. i was luckily able to catch my sister, though she was busy, we had a minute to at least make contact. i was able to have a longer process talk with one of my best friends while sitting up against a tree in the park. while talking to her i was able to cry, process, share my feelings fully. i felt better after talking to her. so i wasn’t completely alone. and i was ok. just holding so much and a really intense session that took me back to my own grief, the very beginning of it. i am glad i was able to hold support. i love my work even though it’s really hard. i do recognize that i am too lonely. i spend my weekends alone. i go to bed alone. i wake up alone. i do every chore and errand alone. what i would have given to have gone home to my partner yesterday. to have gone on a hike in the woods with him, made dinner with him, processed with him. been able to receive his love and light and support. this loneliness is really big. i feel rooted to spirit inside. my true self and core as a soul are solid as gold. the creature me, the human me, feels so alone and lost and afraid and like her whole infrastructure is crumbling inside. i just keep giving myself the two things: spirit and body. i do my kundalini practice and i build my private practice. i have a loving family i am going to spend time with on the east coast and i am really thankful and happy to be getting on a plane today to be with them and be by the sea. it’s the love i need and may i be the love they need too. life is hard, people.
woken up by the very loud box springs of my upstairs neighbors having sex and now this morning i feel so very very tired. good for them, bad for me. i wrote to my building manager and asked if he might say something. i am unsure how to proceed but if you want something you must ask, so i asked. i dreamed about me and my sister being in some weird wonderland game center place, climbing through built in nature, what seemed to be dangerous terrain, she leading saying it wasn’t so bad. there were baby animals nesting in places. we finished the obstacle course and she vanished. i went looking and one of the people who worked there showed me her sleeping in this tanning bed looking thing, knocked out. the employee said the terrain is much more tiring than anyone realizes. somehow i think this is about grief and adjusting to life without mom. i am noticing how this week, i feel so tired by 5 pm. i want to see nobody and do nothing but watch shows and go to bed. i am wiped the fuck out. i feel empty inside. i feel sorrow. i feel flattened. and this too shall pass. maybe vacation will give me the deep rest i need. i feel so uncertain about my physical existence these days. flip flopping like a fish between stable ambition and growth and rooting to wanting to drop everything and leave and start fresh. i guess that’s my pattern when things get too hard. this time, i stay. this time, i commit. it goes against my neural pathway to flee to feel safe. i feel safe. i really do. i just feel lonely and flat. but this is how i cycle. the up will return and i will bubble with creativity, conversation, ambition, and vibrancy again. the low is flat soda, netflix, nothing to say, bad mood, overwhelmed with sorrow. i am doing surya kriya each day in hopes of bringing light to the dark. the routine of my life feels like it needs to change. i know…i know….it’s just not enough mirroring, not enough attachment, not enough relationship. again, not about friends. about partnership. about going through life with another and not alone. the sacred other. the man to my woman. the two not the one. the home in a heart and not just in spirit. i saw a condo for sale that could be really great and i think about rooting to this place. how could it be? sometimes i feel like i will die soon because i feel not made for this world. i can’t understand being me and it feels foreign. i feel depersonalized. i think i may be experiencing some overwhelm. it’s ok. this blog is depressing. sorry for my lack of inspiration here. sorry to me. nobody else is reading this. last night i got a very low sugar chocolate bar. under 10 grams. i caved consciously. i felt if i did not eat chocolate i would not be ok. the addiction took over? or maybe i just needed it? what’s the true story? i ate it and it satiated me so completely that my entire body relaxed and my heart felt at peace. no joke. this was the effect of one low sugar dark chocolate bar. so i ordered more to take on vacation. because i think i am not beyond needing food as medicine sometimes. finding the balance is the challenge. chocolate is medicine of the heart when i feel depleted. it does not cure the flat soda feeling but it satiates a lonely and sad body. it is what it is. looking forward to being on vacay and getting out of my routine. need it. need it.
abyss cry last night for my dad’s grief and loneliness without my mom by his side. and how he is alone without family because the family he has left is home in virginia and washington. our lives take us where our lives take us. he chooses vegas. he is alone out there. without my mom. i wish i could make vegas home again. i stay open to it but seattle is where my license is, where my friends are, where my sense of home is and the only thing i see taking me to vegas would be some divine calling that told me to shut down my life and go. think i need a second coffee this morning. the clouds and rain are misting. open the window. let in the cool air. deep waters on a water trine day. deep dreaming. deep loneliness. not so much my own but in others. maybe my own? i don’t feel lonely but then i do. i feel lonely for a different kind of relationship. for my companion. i was ranting with my friend the other night about how sex is not so important to me anymore. i realize, sex does not occupy that much of my brain or desire. i want to have a consistent vibrant and fulfilling sexual life but i don’t need it with more than one person or every day of the week or with all the variety of toys, role plays positions etc. had my exploration days and i am over it. i don’t think about sex or crave it all the time. i am seeking deeper intimacy, spiritual merging through sex, sacred soul to soul love making, tenderness, or just your basic primal animal sex without the head involved at all. nothing fancy. sacred or raw. anyhow, it was a realization. affection is something i like all the time. cuddling, hand holding, kissing, hugging. i am not very touchy feely with friends but uber touchy feely in romantic love. i miss having regular touch and someone to call babe and honey. i am lonely to feel this form of connection. i am lonely to text my person every day with basic banter. i also wish to plan a future and feel lonely for that. i love planning and want to plan with somebody and not alone. i love the structure of a closed and sealed soul union, it’s my forte. i am built for the monogamous union and yet never in one…like so many of my clients and people in this world who do not find the connections of love they desire the most. i feel more than ready to be with the love of my life and believe in it. just like my dad is more than ready to die and return to the other side and he believes in it now. loneliness for death is real. loneliness for partnership is real. loneliness for community is real. loneliness for friends. it’s all real. it’s heavy. it’s a bonafide longing. and i am feeling the loneliness in others more than my own loneliness but forcing myself to speak of my own and not try to avoid it. i know i must stay open to whom i deserve for a partner. no split men who only half want a relationship because they have not healed from the past or fear intimacy or whatever. no men who withhold affection, love, emotional connection. no men who want to change me into their version of me but i deserve a man who actually loves me for all of who i am and who tolerates my shadow side and flaws. basically, the man i deserve is all in and wanting me completely because the love is real and he knows it’s special. we share the same values and want to build the same kind of lifestyle. we have chemistry that grows and we are best friends. we are both willing to put in the work and effort to move through the hard stuff and own our projections. we both want intimacy. nothing less. i will stay single before settling. i am very humbled by this age. not looking for the shallow. not looking for validation. not looking for a shining knight or mr. projection. blah blah blah. i have said it all before. i surrender. the cards keep showing me he is here. i will wait until he comes forth…
this blog might be as long as an essay or short story because i am so happy right now after doing kundalini yoga on my day off, sitting in the shade outside at my favorite cafe still quite early in the morning. bliss. full on. i love this. love love love love love. i love writing, i love cafes. i love shade. i love cold brew with coconut milk. i love morning…
the sound of a loading truck beeps in the distance in rhythm with the sound of the espresso machine inside. the symphony of the city. life in variety. joggers running by. mild mannered people sauntering. one of my favorite trees in the city looming above me like a hand of god. the crows must be meeting elsewhere, where are they? i hear no birds (and just did right when i typed the line).
the cold brew was free this morning because i punched ten americanos on my punch card. normally cannot afford a big cold brew. extra special treat on what feels like an extra special day off. for no reason at all just….being alive.
kundalini yoga is what everyone who is a four in the enneagram should do. also, all alcohol, drug, food, and sex addicts. why? because it gives you the same pleasure hit, the same high, the same amazing feeling of love and joy inside. but without the toxic destruction. awakening the kundalini force within is what is missing in every one of us. the ancients knew and understood.
doing vinyasa is harder for me. it’s much easier to stay seated in half lotus meditating with certain breath and mantra for minutes on end. harder to use my muscle strength to slowly move from hard pose to hard pose. both improve me, restore me, balance me, keep me in shape and health on all levels. both are home.
feeling this bliss does not mean i don’t also feel everything else. i do. but i do with honor. yesterday i caught myself judging myself when i got really emotional and needed (or could not help it) to express my feelings and name them. this was concerning my mom’s cancer battle, family stuff. i witnessed judgement arise for how uncomfortable i make others feel in the exposure of my emotional intensity and comfort in expression. i let it go. to be close to me is to be close to somebody who does not rug sweep. i also learn to discern and know when to stay quiet and express later.
anger is hard to allow oneself to feel as a woman. we are taught to never show anger and to be good girls. i am learning how to express anger. i am learning that if i genuinely honor and feel the anger, i can name it and let it go. i am learning that it is love that brings up anger sometimes. it’s cause we love so deeply that we get so upset. you cannot have the dark without the light. when did everyone get so fearful of the dark side?
because of evil? people feel the need to name scary and horrible experiences and feelings. they call it evil. i don’t relate to evil as a concept. i am not denying its existence, i have felt its existence many times empathing psychosis in the collective. i am just more apt to name it mental illness when it presents in humans. when it presents in nature i am more apt to call it darkness, shadow, destruction.
gender is being destroyed by millennials right now. or rather, the gender binary. the concept of it, to be exact. they might say gender is only a concept and i agree with this. so i will name what is beneath the concept of gender that becomes the expression of the concept of gender. feelings. and feelings are different depending on the make up up of the recipe of being human. biology, epigenetic traits, conditioning, soul, etc. i hope that as the young people bust down the old stodgy binary conceptual lens, that they don’t try to destroy the actual binary or base level of vibrational reality. they can’t. night and day, yin and yang, still exist. but these two polarizing and balancing forces don’t need to express into the concept of gender so rigidly. this is my opinion as somebody who loves the opening up of gender into fluidity and understanding its conceptual root while identifying as a cis female, straight as an arrow and monogamous at that. this is my true expression. we all take our place on the spectrum and the two ends also exist.
that was a long paragraph inspired by a discussion of teachers last night at the teacher meeting. i liked being there. i liked being among so many creative people who teach continuing education. i look forward to teaching again this summer. i met a cool woman who may become my friend. though i was in somewhat of a crabby mood as i often am when bussing long to meetings. i have been quite crabby lately. i hope it passes soon an doing my best to witness with love. i love how the woman i met and i laughed easily. you know when you meet somebody and feel comfortable with them right away? a good feeling.
the book i was writing stopped flowing through me. i want it to return. come back muse.
i met my mom in a journey yesterday. she has shed her vivian suit. she is pure soul now. she said it’s too hard to explain how it works while being human but i could feel her essence without vivian and it was pure love. she put light into my heart. she told me to keep exposing myself to the world. i was washed over with beauty. i can truly feel the vivian part of her gone. really gone. it does not make me sad when i think about her. only when i think about me no longer having a mommy.
speaking to my sister about it comforted me. she is my touchstone to the planet now. that might sound extreme but my nature is such that i don’t relate to earth very much and touchstones are a real thing for me. if i did not have touchstones, namely family, i would float away. to an ashram or death. i have friends who are touchstones too but my sister is soul family and blood. that’s fucking strong. funny cause we are so different and yet it doesn’t really matter.
i polarize in order to catalyze others and myself into knowing the self more. in other words, i like to get close with those who are very different than me so that i can help them see themselves better and they can help me see myself better.
i feel like i could write for hours and hours but only this. blogging. free flow. i wish i could write my novel for hours and hours. thing is, i was painting the main character and i don’t like how she is coming out. i don’t like how i am painting and her image feels wrong. this stopped everything. i don’t know what to do. i feel i can only do abstract art at this point. i paint form and it looks the same as it always has and i cannot paint the same images anymore. i am in a trap.
i am hoping today to break open my perception. this day feels different.
if anybody is reading this, i am amazed. nobody reads this blog. it is private but public.
romantic love. oh romantic love. oh oh oh oh oh oh. i want to have something to say about it but i don’t. i swipe through profiles and don’t find him. i look for him everywhere. the cards say he is here in my life. over and over. so, it is me who cannot see. or he is aware of me or watching but not doing anything about it. i surrender.
not much else to say actually. my mind is calm and patient right now. my feelings are mild and sweet like a babbling brook, flowing, easy. i love the silver coin necklace around my neck that is way too dressy for this morning but i don’t care. i like dressing up for no reason. i like leaving blogs open ended too….
kundalini yoga is taking me over. today i added it to a self led vinyasa. did that first and it opened up all my muscles, joints, strengthening my endurance and putting me in a meditative state in the lower chakras. then did kundalini after and went into a meditative state in the upper chakras, focusing on breath work and opening the subtle bodies. i feel fucking great like a crystal clear lake. very energized. happy. happy just from being. missing mom a lot. i keep thinking about getting a tattoo in her honor. first a bird. then i thought about her portrait but in my head i felt like she said, “don’t tattoo my face on your body.” something though. something. weird dreams last night probably from watching the show i am hooked on. royal pains. i think about how my mom said she would have become a doctor if she had followed her dream. i think about how i wanted to be a doctor when i was little. i think about how when she was going into the coma days before her death, i could do nothing medical. my sisters took on the job of medicating her and changing her. i was paralyzed with fear and could not function with the medical tasks. maybe it wasn’t fear as much as it was shock and sorrow. not sure. those days live like a terrible blur inside of me. i know it was traumatizing for us all but also a great blessing and gift at the same time. i wouldn’t have had it any other way if it has to be cancer’s death. cancer’s death can go fuck itself. i still cry for my mom’s last years and journey through that illness. i trip out on how i got the call in summer of 2017, on the bus to my internship. that’s when she told me that she had cancer for the first time. i balled in the office of a clinician and stayed at work. i did not understand that in less than two years from that moment my mom would be dead. none of us did. my dad the most in denial up until the very end. it’s brutal. the amount of love in our family makes it harder too. even if we have had our share of dysfunction and mental illness, we are all unconditionally loving to to maximum degree. the love is strong. i think grief has put me in a place in life where i either want to be alone or be with a partner. not much into friend time. not in the mood to hang out. not in the mood to “do things” i just want to work, paint, write, read, be with my partner and see friends in small doses, a two hour window from time to time, to catch up. i feel myself pulling away. i am not the same anymore. not being able to eat and drink like the hedonist i was makes it no fun too. i guess we all go through big lifestyle and personality changes from time to time. i honestly dream about spending hours writing in my solitude bubble but i feel like i need to be with my partner to do it. because i just need touch and closeness and to feel myself move through life with another. i don’t need lots of hang time. i keep stressing this, this week. like, a lot. why? maybe it’s temporary. this is why i desire to run away sometimes. i want to be all alone sometimes. but not all alone. i want a few close people. just not the dozens. i cannot manage the people much anymore. i am detached like a bird in the sky.
loving getting back to kundalini yoga. there’s nothing like it. it’s a spiritual practice that transforms body on a spiritual level instead of a physical level, through breath. but i also love my vinyasa practice because i love to transform my body from the physical level too. i am sure an advanced enough yogi could do the vinyasa practice from the spiritual body much more than me but i am still needing to build physical strength to do the poses and for me, the movement from pose to pose is the meditation, i don’t meditate after the poses. kundalini builds strength too as you do movements for minutes on end. it’s different. i like both. kundalini speaks to my true nature with spirit sweetness. vinyasa flow speaks to my animal nature with fiery endurance. both. variety. embracing my own path. not into groups or classes, except if i am teaching or running one. things are simple in there explanations for the brain to understand in psychology, yoga, metaphysics. the hard part is the practice. but some people want to learn a lot in the head. not me. my head gets it asap and then i want to practice. i have had many past lives on the yoga path. a chinese one for sure. i wonder what other lives? feeling like exploring again. feeling my subtle bodies. feeling pioneering. feeling scattered. yes, that’s it. scattered. i think of how a man grounds me. contains me. focuses me. how much i long for my masculine counterpart to do this for me. and for me to deepen him, enrich with meaning, make him feel his soul and touch his inner wisdom, breathe life into him. i love the symbiosis of romantic love. once the sexual organs come together the alchemy gets started. you get inside of each other. you provide what the other needs. you don’t hold it all…that’s codependency. interdependency is honoring your gifts and weaknesses and providing where space is needed to fill. i need grounding, focusing, anchoring. i am nebulous. but also i am very grounded because of my spiritual practice. just not my head. each day, a million ideas course through me. i start many writing projects and they get left aside. i ponder many classes that don’t get written. i need to choose and commit and make the next group happen, book happen, goal underway. instantly connect to him, i do. why? because i need him. but i know too much. that’s what sucks about me. well, i shouldn’t say that. it does not suck that i know things ahead of time and see an entire structure and its organic desires instantly. like, how i know he and i will balance each other out and i am not even with him yet. maybe i am wrong? i am not wrong. my intuition is strong. it’s more about accepting what i know. what i don’t know and where my self doubt blazes has to do with the wounded parts too personal to talk about here. the high priestess is smooshed by the fiery pain and doubt swords. but i am just watching both flare. get on the mat. watch the flares. get on the mat. watch the flares. over and over. no buying into the stories. no reacting to the same ole same ole. dead is that girl and born is this girl. i say girl intentionally. not as a child in years but as the magical child who is eternal. the power house within us all. our magical inner children. go ahead and roll your eyes and keep him or her or they shadowed. or admit that you feel him or her or they too. you feel their percolating urges a little bit from time to time. you know, this country is in such a state of fuckery and horrifying mess but it’s going to make us rise up and claim our truth. i am focusing on that. do you see my scattered thoughts here? like marbles all over cement. i am watching the thoughts dance and play while i know i need to commit to a few solids. book. group. practice. time to get on the bus in a few and head to the office. feeling excited to see my clients today because i have a to give. admittedly longing for my man. not even the whole true love relationship part (ok, yes) but more so in the moment, us taking each other down into the primal and unspoken fire of love.
you know when you feel like your life is about to make a major change? i feel this right now. i have butterflies in my belly each morning. i sense it. returning to kundalini yoga this morning and going to add it into my vinyasa practice. feeling the need for it. for the way it connects body to spirit in a way vinyasa doesn’t, and transforms body on a deeper level. i still love vinyasa and how slow it moves, how i can get into its flow. kundalini is more grating to me due to the speed of the kriyas but i am craving it in the mix. feeling body on a whole new level now. no longer an object to criticize or make make better. body is a living being i love deeply and am housed in for a limited time only. i am finding freedom in the discipline as ruby said (code name). freedom from intense cravings. freedom from judgement. freedom from hate, even. i think kundalini yoga is more my path to healing body and food addiction than overeaters anonymous or other groups. i am just not a group person. and i don’t want to go to groups just to “market myself”. that feels too cheap and out of integrity. i think the best way to put myself out there is still in the works. but i am believing in my true self getting to take the wheel and call the shots. i am feeling a new vigor again for the healing work. the exhaustion passed and brought in a new and alive passion. the more i give to myself, the more i want to give to others. this work is not about being good, moral, or any other mental crap that shadows its opposite. this work is about love and passion. as i feel the beauty and joy of healing i am urged to share it with others. i am changing right now and in the process of it. i think a year from now the change will be complete. under construction. bright orange cones. messy. but also disciplined and committed. the old me gone. the me who loved to eat out, gone. the me who loved to lap up pleasure as imbibing what the body doesn’t want, gone. the me whose mind was bullying body, gone. the me who ignored body, gone. this autoimmune disease has been my greatest ally. i cook every meal now and find pleasure in preparing simple meals. i find pleasure in plain foods and in simplicity. i like to be quiet more. a dear friend visited from out of town suddenly, yesterday. we hadn’t spoken or seen each other in probably a year. we spent the afternoon walking around, going to magical stores and spending too much of the little extra we have. how we roll. what was great is how little we talked, how much we laughed, how easy it felt and how nourishing. like we both needed to wander and discover beauty and exhale from all we are traversing. her mom died some years ago and i made the trip with her, to her midwestern home town so she could say goodbye to her mom one last time. on that trip her mom said what her favorite flower was and my friend got the tattoo of it. i am thinking of how to honor my mom with a tattoo on my body. what would that be? when i think of her essence what do i see? oh for sure, a bird. my mom is a bird.
dreamed last night about mom and dad. mom was alive and both mom and dad were battling a flu. i was trying to not get sick. the whole dream was centered around that and about mom and dad being sick in bed. i wonder why i dream these dreams a lot? always mom and dad together and always sickness or mom dying of cancer. wait, i suppose this is a no brainer. duh. yesterday was a life changing day. i realized i don’t need another job to get my license if my practice keeps running at this level and/or grows (hopefully grows). this filled with me with much hope that i can continue on the path i have already created, my business i have established and my growing presence in the community. each time i think about getting a job, i panic. it feels wrong. it feels off. it feels depressing and life draining. i don’t react to these feelings. i don’t judge them. i don’t create stories. i just let the feelings present and leave the body. the stories don’t even birth anymore because like yeast without sugar, they know they cannot be fed by me. i feel my inner truth so strong and am i am practicing the art of visualizing what i want and believing in myself. maybe it works this time. maybe it’s time for manifestation energy medicine at last. maybe i have honored my dark feelings enough and maybe i am healed enough. i feel this way. i feel healed enough. i keep thinking of lady gaga’s “born this way” line in terms of being indigo (for lack of a better title) and honoring this instead of judging. what if we all allowed our true self characters to be honored? what if we didn’t compare ourselves to others or compare others to the self? what if we did not impose our values onto others as if we are god who knows? i value healing and self growth at my very core but if somebody else doesn’t value these aspects of life, i don’t think i am right and they are wrong. i don’t think i am better than them. i just want everyone to feel their true self. this is the strong urge. i want everyone to express who they are in this world. it feels so valuable to me. it’s my greatest goal. my business and my career goals are all here to bring the true self out in others as i bring it out in myself through my work. the irony of it all. healers always attract themselves in different forms. it’s always personal. the old lens is crumbling where healers wear lab coats and act holier than thou. we all have gifts. i have a gift for healing the soul or psyche but this does not mean i am on a mountaintop, have all the answers, am untouchable. sometimes there’s a neediness in the air. in us all. we need more. more love. more understanding. more awareness. more courage. i feel this right now in the air. and i am tending to it in myself and others. the moon is in cancer so it’s all love and tenderness right now. all soft and warm and nurturing. all i want is for love to reign.
finally the energy is shifting, with the cancer moon. i feel the exhaustion wearing off and feeling much more refreshed. also got a decent night’s sleep for once. slept for a chunk of hours. dreamed deeply. woke up and the sun enlivened my senses. this apartment i am living in now is the polar opposite of my previous seven year abode that i moved out of last september, the day my mom went into the hospital for an obstruction, one of many that occurred from the tumor. i was a wreck that day and thank god for my friend who was by my side all day long, literally keeping me sane. my mom was an integral part of making this new apartment a home. i feel her in here, in her choices, her decor, mixed with mine. means so much. the last home was on the third floor with west facing windows receiving daily sunsets. this new home is ground floor northeast facing windows receiving two hours after dawn sun. morning flood of sunlight now. it’s great cause in the evening i am not sweating and bitching about the heat. the morning sun is helpful too. these days, waking up isn’t as easy as it used to be for a morning person. i wake up each morning to fear and worry and concern and doubt. but yesterday, aside from witnessing my mind and not investing in its stories, i also felt a conviction course through me. that i am committed to putting my true self first. that i am not here to just be a creature surviving, mating, living a life and dying. i shouldn’t say “just” because that sounds minimizing. i don’t mean it to, i only mean that ever since i was a little girl i knew i was from someplace else that i missed and i knew i came here on a mission. i knew i was here for a very specific purpose and it wasn’t to live a human life and learn lessons, although i am doing that and it’s profound….i came here for another purpose. i am no longer going to doubt this purpose or put it in the back seat. i am at peace with dying at any time, survival is not important to me. i could die today and be set free. my time here is not better than yours or worse than yours for feeling this truth of my soul. we are all equals with different reasons for being here. i love my soul pack too, whom i travel with through lives. maybe some of them aren’t as travelled as me in the universe. maybe some are more travelled. i remember joanna. my friend who died of cancer at only age twenty three. it was so fast and sudden. we shared the same birthday. she was a tarot client and asked to be my friend. it was meant to be. we shared such a similar soul purpose. she remembered her lives in other places too. much younger than me, i saw her making the same mistakes i made at her age and so i pushed her to finish massage school and not quit when she got depressed. i encouraged her to be pragmatic and disciplined in her spiritual practice in order to heal. i did not want to see her turn thirty nine and feel awful for how much time she wasted giving in to her emotional storms as scorpios and indigos tend to do. she actually listened to me, finished school, opened a practice and was thriving in her work and her healing. then she got cancer and died. what the fuck? life likes to do that. it likes to remind us of how little control we have over getting or not getting what we want, including life itself. buddha knew this. he knew all suffering stems from desire. from wanting. i want my true self to run the show and i can see how i suffer from it if i cling to the results of the wanting. but if i live from the desire alone, not expecting results and learn non-resistance toward life being what life will be, i can reduce the suffering and live with integrity. i feel this integrity is what i value most. i think this is why i am obsessed with the show “royal pains”. cause hank is all about idealistic integrity and he is my animus (inner male) projected in many ways. i also love the brother relationship and think this pings my heart too, with my sister. i feel joanna a little bit right now. i feel my mom too. i feel the spirit world very strong, encouraging me. they know more and see more and are not clouded by loss and lack like we are when with body. the journey continues….
the soul and physical fatigue and emotional and mental fatigue. oh my. could not last at my tarot gig last night and it was empty anyhow. so completely and utterly exhausted, unenthused, confused, i don’t even know. i am not attaching to the feelings and watching the thoughts of distress and self doubt from the witness stand. watching my desire for escape. the narrator in this neural pathway is never sure she is in the right place doing the right thing living the right life. of course, when the creativity is flowing through me that narrator takes a vacation and the other narrator enters the scene. she knows everything will be alright even if she isn’t sure about the present moment. i watch with love and see just how deeply the self worth can root. can it root here in this swirl of ungrounded unsure self doubting confusion? yes. why? because. that’s why. or, because love. that’s why. we all look for markers to tell us we are doing it right. money might be a marker. accolade or validation might be a marker. a smile versus a frown. it’s pretty simple. but if you zoom out and watch your thoughts needing external markers to feed you self worth or self love, you can begin to understand in your soul that this is a faulty system. that self worth is already within you. already in full blossom. but it’s a quiet blossom. it doesn’t yell like the negative scary bush of self sabotage that comes on so sneaky. i know my longing for intimacy is behind this. the narrator is very predictable here too. she flips flops between feeling he could show up at any moment to feeling he will never arrive. from feeling like she is ok without to feeling so undernourished she will die. like a fish outta water. the need for intimate attachment is real but the stories are not real. i allow the feelings to course through me. sorrow, longing, hope, confusion…repeat. the old narrator is near dead now. the one that lives in fantasy relationships or unmet love in her head. when you give up a crutch you enter baron land. the fantasizing filled a void. now, i sit in the void. all of this, alongside the grief as my pin cushion, is saturn and pluto on top of my north node and i cannot fucking wait for this to be over. saturn takes away all the things and tests my resolve and my skills. i told saturn he’s met his match and soulmate. i thrive in spiritual discipline. i now am thriving in physical disciple ever so steadily, working out, yoga, aip paleo, no longer hunting for some version of escape. here in the now. saturn’s soulmate. pluto is loss. goodbye mommy. goodbye root. goodbye old me. it’s fucking brutal sometimes on the heart. for everybody. sometimes heart ache is sustained. i witness the reactivity in me which is human. i witness the stories firing up in ye old brain. the one where i am being denied. not true. the one where i am being betrayed. not true. past lives are molting off of me. it’s hard to resurrect trust, faith, hope, and love in the ashes of loss and in the empty room of saturn. but aint nothin gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, i’ve got to keep on moving. the new moon gemini is right by my saturn in gemini so you know…sobering limitations reign….