yesterday was one of the hardest days. i was taken back to my mother’s death in session. i was ok and held the loving space needed. after work i needed somebody and there was nobody there. i felt in shock. couldn’t process. felt so vulnerable. and there i was, alone. i felt the starkness of being alone. i felt my mother gone. it had already been a rough morning from no sleep from my upstairs neighbors sexcapades (good for them, bad for me). the night before i had been feeling the loneliness too as my previous blog talks about. so already was in a vulnerable place. the lyft driver on the way to work played muslim chant music. it was so fucking beautiful. i closed my eyes and found my spiritual center. this is my core and my home. spirit. not a partner. nothing in the physical. i am thankful for the loving family and friends i have too. i was luckily able to catch my sister, though she was busy, we had a minute to at least make contact. i was able to have a longer process talk with one of my best friends while sitting up against a tree in the park. while talking to her i was able to cry, process, share my feelings fully. i felt better after talking to her. so i wasn’t completely alone. and i was ok. just holding so much and a really intense session that took me back to my own grief, the very beginning of it. i am glad i was able to hold support. i love my work even though it’s really hard. i do recognize that i am too lonely. i spend my weekends alone. i go to bed alone. i wake up alone. i do every chore and errand alone. what i would have given to have gone home to my partner yesterday. to have gone on a hike in the woods with him, made dinner with him, processed with him. been able to receive his love and light and support. this loneliness is really big. i feel rooted to spirit inside. my true self and core as a soul are solid as gold. the creature me, the human me, feels so alone and lost and afraid and like her whole infrastructure is crumbling inside. i just keep giving myself the two things: spirit and body. i do my kundalini practice and i build my private practice. i have a loving family i am going to spend time with on the east coast and i am really thankful and happy to be getting on a plane today to be with them and be by the sea. it’s the love i need and may i be the love they need too. life is hard, people.
depresso blog on saturn’s day
woken up by the very loud box springs of my upstairs neighbors having sex and now this morning i feel so very very tired. good for them, bad for me. i wrote to my building manager and asked if he might say something. i am unsure how to proceed but if you want something you must ask, so i asked. i dreamed about me and my sister being in some weird wonderland game center place, climbing through built in nature, what seemed to be dangerous terrain, she leading saying it wasn’t so bad. there were baby animals nesting in places. we finished the obstacle course and she vanished. i went looking and one of the people who worked there showed me her sleeping in this tanning bed looking thing, knocked out. the employee said the terrain is much more tiring than anyone realizes. somehow i think this is about grief and adjusting to life without mom. i am noticing how this week, i feel so tired by 5 pm. i want to see nobody and do nothing but watch shows and go to bed. i am wiped the fuck out. i feel empty inside. i feel sorrow. i feel flattened. and this too shall pass. maybe vacation will give me the deep rest i need. i feel so uncertain about my physical existence these days. flip flopping like a fish between stable ambition and growth and rooting to wanting to drop everything and leave and start fresh. i guess that’s my pattern when things get too hard. this time, i stay. this time, i commit. it goes against my neural pathway to flee to feel safe. i feel safe. i really do. i just feel lonely and flat. but this is how i cycle. the up will return and i will bubble with creativity, conversation, ambition, and vibrancy again. the low is flat soda, netflix, nothing to say, bad mood, overwhelmed with sorrow. i am doing surya kriya each day in hopes of bringing light to the dark. the routine of my life feels like it needs to change. i know…i know….it’s just not enough mirroring, not enough attachment, not enough relationship. again, not about friends. about partnership. about going through life with another and not alone. the sacred other. the man to my woman. the two not the one. the home in a heart and not just in spirit. i saw a condo for sale that could be really great and i think about rooting to this place. how could it be? sometimes i feel like i will die soon because i feel not made for this world. i can’t understand being me and it feels foreign. i feel depersonalized. i think i may be experiencing some overwhelm. it’s ok. this blog is depressing. sorry for my lack of inspiration here. sorry to me. nobody else is reading this. last night i got a very low sugar chocolate bar. under 10 grams. i caved consciously. i felt if i did not eat chocolate i would not be ok. the addiction took over? or maybe i just needed it? what’s the true story? i ate it and it satiated me so completely that my entire body relaxed and my heart felt at peace. no joke. this was the effect of one low sugar dark chocolate bar. so i ordered more to take on vacation. because i think i am not beyond needing food as medicine sometimes. finding the balance is the challenge. chocolate is medicine of the heart when i feel depleted. it does not cure the flat soda feeling but it satiates a lonely and sad body. it is what it is. looking forward to being on vacay and getting out of my routine. need it. need it.
babbling brook in the shade of the cafe…
this blog might be as long as an essay or short story because i am so happy right now after doing kundalini yoga on my day off, sitting in the shade outside at my favorite cafe still quite early in the morning. bliss. full on. i love this. love love love love love. i love writing, i love cafes. i love shade. i love cold brew with coconut milk. i love morning…
the sound of a loading truck beeps in the distance in rhythm with the sound of the espresso machine inside. the symphony of the city. life in variety. joggers running by. mild mannered people sauntering. one of my favorite trees in the city looming above me like a hand of god. the crows must be meeting elsewhere, where are they? i hear no birds (and just did right when i typed the line).
the cold brew was free this morning because i punched ten americanos on my punch card. normally cannot afford a big cold brew. extra special treat on what feels like an extra special day off. for no reason at all just….being alive.
kundalini yoga is what everyone who is a four in the enneagram should do. also, all alcohol, drug, food, and sex addicts. why? because it gives you the same pleasure hit, the same high, the same amazing feeling of love and joy inside. but without the toxic destruction. awakening the kundalini force within is what is missing in every one of us. the ancients knew and understood.
doing vinyasa is harder for me. it’s much easier to stay seated in half lotus meditating with certain breath and mantra for minutes on end. harder to use my muscle strength to slowly move from hard pose to hard pose. both improve me, restore me, balance me, keep me in shape and health on all levels. both are home.
feeling this bliss does not mean i don’t also feel everything else. i do. but i do with honor. yesterday i caught myself judging myself when i got really emotional and needed (or could not help it) to express my feelings and name them. this was concerning my mom’s cancer battle, family stuff. i witnessed judgement arise for how uncomfortable i make others feel in the exposure of my emotional intensity and comfort in expression. i let it go. to be close to me is to be close to somebody who does not rug sweep. i also learn to discern and know when to stay quiet and express later.
anger is hard to allow oneself to feel as a woman. we are taught to never show anger and to be good girls. i am learning how to express anger. i am learning that if i genuinely honor and feel the anger, i can name it and let it go. i am learning that it is love that brings up anger sometimes. it’s cause we love so deeply that we get so upset. you cannot have the dark without the light. when did everyone get so fearful of the dark side?
because of evil? people feel the need to name scary and horrible experiences and feelings. they call it evil. i don’t relate to evil as a concept. i am not denying its existence, i have felt its existence many times empathing psychosis in the collective. i am just more apt to name it mental illness when it presents in humans. when it presents in nature i am more apt to call it darkness, shadow, destruction.
gender is being destroyed by millennials right now. or rather, the gender binary. the concept of it, to be exact. they might say gender is only a concept and i agree with this. so i will name what is beneath the concept of gender that becomes the expression of the concept of gender. feelings. and feelings are different depending on the make up up of the recipe of being human. biology, epigenetic traits, conditioning, soul, etc. i hope that as the young people bust down the old stodgy binary conceptual lens, that they don’t try to destroy the actual binary or base level of vibrational reality. they can’t. night and day, yin and yang, still exist. but these two polarizing and balancing forces don’t need to express into the concept of gender so rigidly. this is my opinion as somebody who loves the opening up of gender into fluidity and understanding its conceptual root while identifying as a cis female, straight as an arrow and monogamous at that. this is my true expression. we all take our place on the spectrum and the two ends also exist.
that was a long paragraph inspired by a discussion of teachers last night at the teacher meeting. i liked being there. i liked being among so many creative people who teach continuing education. i look forward to teaching again this summer. i met a cool woman who may become my friend. though i was in somewhat of a crabby mood as i often am when bussing long to meetings. i have been quite crabby lately. i hope it passes soon an doing my best to witness with love. i love how the woman i met and i laughed easily. you know when you meet somebody and feel comfortable with them right away? a good feeling.
the book i was writing stopped flowing through me. i want it to return. come back muse.
i met my mom in a journey yesterday. she has shed her vivian suit. she is pure soul now. she said it’s too hard to explain how it works while being human but i could feel her essence without vivian and it was pure love. she put light into my heart. she told me to keep exposing myself to the world. i was washed over with beauty. i can truly feel the vivian part of her gone. really gone. it does not make me sad when i think about her. only when i think about me no longer having a mommy.
speaking to my sister about it comforted me. she is my touchstone to the planet now. that might sound extreme but my nature is such that i don’t relate to earth very much and touchstones are a real thing for me. if i did not have touchstones, namely family, i would float away. to an ashram or death. i have friends who are touchstones too but my sister is soul family and blood. that’s fucking strong. funny cause we are so different and yet it doesn’t really matter.
i polarize in order to catalyze others and myself into knowing the self more. in other words, i like to get close with those who are very different than me so that i can help them see themselves better and they can help me see myself better.
i feel like i could write for hours and hours but only this. blogging. free flow. i wish i could write my novel for hours and hours. thing is, i was painting the main character and i don’t like how she is coming out. i don’t like how i am painting and her image feels wrong. this stopped everything. i don’t know what to do. i feel i can only do abstract art at this point. i paint form and it looks the same as it always has and i cannot paint the same images anymore. i am in a trap.
i am hoping today to break open my perception. this day feels different.
if anybody is reading this, i am amazed. nobody reads this blog. it is private but public.
romantic love. oh romantic love. oh oh oh oh oh oh. i want to have something to say about it but i don’t. i swipe through profiles and don’t find him. i look for him everywhere. the cards say he is here in my life. over and over. so, it is me who cannot see. or he is aware of me or watching but not doing anything about it. i surrender.
not much else to say actually. my mind is calm and patient right now. my feelings are mild and sweet like a babbling brook, flowing, easy. i love the silver coin necklace around my neck that is way too dressy for this morning but i don’t care. i like dressing up for no reason. i like leaving blogs open ended too….
happy hermit ranting on saturnday…
kundalini yoga is taking me over. today i added it to a self led vinyasa. did that first and it opened up all my muscles, joints, strengthening my endurance and putting me in a meditative state in the lower chakras. then did kundalini after and went into a meditative state in the upper chakras, focusing on breath work and opening the subtle bodies. i feel fucking great like a crystal clear lake. very energized. happy. happy just from being. missing mom a lot. i keep thinking about getting a tattoo in her honor. first a bird. then i thought about her portrait but in my head i felt like she said, “don’t tattoo my face on your body.” something though. something. weird dreams last night probably from watching the show i am hooked on. royal pains. i think about how my mom said she would have become a doctor if she had followed her dream. i think about how i wanted to be a doctor when i was little. i think about how when she was going into the coma days before her death, i could do nothing medical. my sisters took on the job of medicating her and changing her. i was paralyzed with fear and could not function with the medical tasks. maybe it wasn’t fear as much as it was shock and sorrow. not sure. those days live like a terrible blur inside of me. i know it was traumatizing for us all but also a great blessing and gift at the same time. i wouldn’t have had it any other way if it has to be cancer’s death. cancer’s death can go fuck itself. i still cry for my mom’s last years and journey through that illness. i trip out on how i got the call in summer of 2017, on the bus to my internship. that’s when she told me that she had cancer for the first time. i balled in the office of a clinician and stayed at work. i did not understand that in less than two years from that moment my mom would be dead. none of us did. my dad the most in denial up until the very end. it’s brutal. the amount of love in our family makes it harder too. even if we have had our share of dysfunction and mental illness, we are all unconditionally loving to to maximum degree. the love is strong. i think grief has put me in a place in life where i either want to be alone or be with a partner. not much into friend time. not in the mood to hang out. not in the mood to “do things” i just want to work, paint, write, read, be with my partner and see friends in small doses, a two hour window from time to time, to catch up. i feel myself pulling away. i am not the same anymore. not being able to eat and drink like the hedonist i was makes it no fun too. i guess we all go through big lifestyle and personality changes from time to time. i honestly dream about spending hours writing in my solitude bubble but i feel like i need to be with my partner to do it. because i just need touch and closeness and to feel myself move through life with another. i don’t need lots of hang time. i keep stressing this, this week. like, a lot. why? maybe it’s temporary. this is why i desire to run away sometimes. i want to be all alone sometimes. but not all alone. i want a few close people. just not the dozens. i cannot manage the people much anymore. i am detached like a bird in the sky.
gemini in saturn blah blah blah on true love, symbiotic love, kundalini and vinyasa yoga, this country, the magical inner child, etc etc…
loving getting back to kundalini yoga. there’s nothing like it. it’s a spiritual practice that transforms body on a spiritual level instead of a physical level, through breath. but i also love my vinyasa practice because i love to transform my body from the physical level too. i am sure an advanced enough yogi could do the vinyasa practice from the spiritual body much more than me but i am still needing to build physical strength to do the poses and for me, the movement from pose to pose is the meditation, i don’t meditate after the poses. kundalini builds strength too as you do movements for minutes on end. it’s different. i like both. kundalini speaks to my true nature with spirit sweetness. vinyasa flow speaks to my animal nature with fiery endurance. both. variety. embracing my own path. not into groups or classes, except if i am teaching or running one. things are simple in there explanations for the brain to understand in psychology, yoga, metaphysics. the hard part is the practice. but some people want to learn a lot in the head. not me. my head gets it asap and then i want to practice. i have had many past lives on the yoga path. a chinese one for sure. i wonder what other lives? feeling like exploring again. feeling my subtle bodies. feeling pioneering. feeling scattered. yes, that’s it. scattered. i think of how a man grounds me. contains me. focuses me. how much i long for my masculine counterpart to do this for me. and for me to deepen him, enrich with meaning, make him feel his soul and touch his inner wisdom, breathe life into him. i love the symbiosis of romantic love. once the sexual organs come together the alchemy gets started. you get inside of each other. you provide what the other needs. you don’t hold it all…that’s codependency. interdependency is honoring your gifts and weaknesses and providing where space is needed to fill. i need grounding, focusing, anchoring. i am nebulous. but also i am very grounded because of my spiritual practice. just not my head. each day, a million ideas course through me. i start many writing projects and they get left aside. i ponder many classes that don’t get written. i need to choose and commit and make the next group happen, book happen, goal underway. instantly connect to him, i do. why? because i need him. but i know too much. that’s what sucks about me. well, i shouldn’t say that. it does not suck that i know things ahead of time and see an entire structure and its organic desires instantly. like, how i know he and i will balance each other out and i am not even with him yet. maybe i am wrong? i am not wrong. my intuition is strong. it’s more about accepting what i know. what i don’t know and where my self doubt blazes has to do with the wounded parts too personal to talk about here. the high priestess is smooshed by the fiery pain and doubt swords. but i am just watching both flare. get on the mat. watch the flares. get on the mat. watch the flares. over and over. no buying into the stories. no reacting to the same ole same ole. dead is that girl and born is this girl. i say girl intentionally. not as a child in years but as the magical child who is eternal. the power house within us all. our magical inner children. go ahead and roll your eyes and keep him or her or they shadowed. or admit that you feel him or her or they too. you feel their percolating urges a little bit from time to time. you know, this country is in such a state of fuckery and horrifying mess but it’s going to make us rise up and claim our truth. i am focusing on that. do you see my scattered thoughts here? like marbles all over cement. i am watching the thoughts dance and play while i know i need to commit to a few solids. book. group. practice. time to get on the bus in a few and head to the office. feeling excited to see my clients today because i have a to give. admittedly longing for my man. not even the whole true love relationship part (ok, yes) but more so in the moment, us taking each other down into the primal and unspoken fire of love.
sobering monday thoughts…
the soul and physical fatigue and emotional and mental fatigue. oh my. could not last at my tarot gig last night and it was empty anyhow. so completely and utterly exhausted, unenthused, confused, i don’t even know. i am not attaching to the feelings and watching the thoughts of distress and self doubt from the witness stand. watching my desire for escape. the narrator in this neural pathway is never sure she is in the right place doing the right thing living the right life. of course, when the creativity is flowing through me that narrator takes a vacation and the other narrator enters the scene. she knows everything will be alright even if she isn’t sure about the present moment. i watch with love and see just how deeply the self worth can root. can it root here in this swirl of ungrounded unsure self doubting confusion? yes. why? because. that’s why. or, because love. that’s why. we all look for markers to tell us we are doing it right. money might be a marker. accolade or validation might be a marker. a smile versus a frown. it’s pretty simple. but if you zoom out and watch your thoughts needing external markers to feed you self worth or self love, you can begin to understand in your soul that this is a faulty system. that self worth is already within you. already in full blossom. but it’s a quiet blossom. it doesn’t yell like the negative scary bush of self sabotage that comes on so sneaky. i know my longing for intimacy is behind this. the narrator is very predictable here too. she flips flops between feeling he could show up at any moment to feeling he will never arrive. from feeling like she is ok without to feeling so undernourished she will die. like a fish outta water. the need for intimate attachment is real but the stories are not real. i allow the feelings to course through me. sorrow, longing, hope, confusion…repeat. the old narrator is near dead now. the one that lives in fantasy relationships or unmet love in her head. when you give up a crutch you enter baron land. the fantasizing filled a void. now, i sit in the void. all of this, alongside the grief as my pin cushion, is saturn and pluto on top of my north node and i cannot fucking wait for this to be over. saturn takes away all the things and tests my resolve and my skills. i told saturn he’s met his match and soulmate. i thrive in spiritual discipline. i now am thriving in physical disciple ever so steadily, working out, yoga, aip paleo, no longer hunting for some version of escape. here in the now. saturn’s soulmate. pluto is loss. goodbye mommy. goodbye root. goodbye old me. it’s fucking brutal sometimes on the heart. for everybody. sometimes heart ache is sustained. i witness the reactivity in me which is human. i witness the stories firing up in ye old brain. the one where i am being denied. not true. the one where i am being betrayed. not true. past lives are molting off of me. it’s hard to resurrect trust, faith, hope, and love in the ashes of loss and in the empty room of saturn. but aint nothin gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, i’ve got to keep on moving. the new moon gemini is right by my saturn in gemini so you know…sobering limitations reign….
new moon gemini ramble…
new moon in gemini and my brain is firing off spiritual dialogue as i walk all over the hill. first walk to the coop to have brunch unexpectedly. cold chicken breast, asparagus, sweet potato chips, and an iced coconut milk latte. fancy pants. i wanted to have a “sunday morning”. walked by so many families and kids and all i could think was, “thank god that is not my life.” i am not judging when i say this. we all have our strong likes and aversions, they are all equal when not harming anyone. i have an aversion to mothering children, not to children per se. though some kids are shitty just like some adults are shitty, i love all humans on a soul level. just not much into playing with kids or wanting kids and i have a strong dislike for mothering them. i am so glad i did not wind up a mom because i easily could have if i had fallen in love and gotten pregnant with my lover. once again, i value families, children, and parenting…it’s just not for me. i love walking by myself through the city thinking deep spiritual thoughts and coming up with ideas. it’s so rejuvenating. i took no purse. the second time i went to the park and laid on the dead tree root or half alive tree root? not sure but it’s about twelve limbs crawling over the grass, cut off about 8 feet high, probably because it got sick. i felt like i was sitting on the place between life and death. i kept noticing my reactions to people without judging my reactions. it became clear to me, yet again, how this is karma. karma is stickiness between people. it’s the moment you react heavily enough to send your spidey web shooting over to the other person. maybe they shoot it back at you too. those are soulmates and tend to travel lives together. attachment isn’t bad. in psychology attachment is the healthy root. attachment can become really sticky in a negative way though too. resentment can live like plaque on the soul and does not leave until it is met in the present moment, recognized and released. complicated yet simple. like all relationships. i am recharging from today. really needed this. really need my sundays. been feeling so depleted in my soul after the week of creative inspiration. that’s how it goes. through the intense cycles. blah blah blah. i don’t say blah blah blah to dismiss the cycles i ride, only to emphasize that it’s nothing more than that. a cycle. we all have the way we cycle through moods and energy. lastly (why am i saying lastly?) i realized how much i also have an aversion to groups. i don’t like going to them. i don’t like congregating in groups. this may be due to my childhood experiences but even so, that’s not a bad thing. there’s so much judgment people make about people. i am noticing it along with my own judgements. why? because we need to make more peace with our animal natures and stop trying to act like we are all holier than thou. cause we are not by any means. we may aspire to heights of not hurting ourselves or anyone, being totally actualized, successful, healthy, beautiful, etc. we might actually achieves some of these states. but they are not better than hurting and failing and being ugly and unhealthy. gemini knows this. gemini does not judge. every extreme light creates an equally extreme shadow. this is a fact of existence. just like body and soul being equal and sentient and needed in the whole. i have a torch on judgement a lot. alright, enough gemini new moon rambling. time to dye my roots and read some octavia butler.
second blog in a bar…
wow, call the press, a second blog in one day that nobody is reading. i am writing again in a desperate attempt to find energy but to be honest, i feel so incredibly tired and blah. i am sitting at the bar trying to write my novel. i have written a few pages but i am pretty sure they suck. i feel so drained emotionally. i feel like the life force has been sucked out of me. i feel empty inside. and this too shall pass. it feels good to be out a little bit though. to be among people and in a place that is like home. my spirit guide talked a lot to me today, earlier, in between clients. she was trying to help me see my darker feelings that i could not access that were coming out in dumb situations like yelling at the elevator to hurry up. stuff like that. she wanted me to access resentment, betrayal, entrapment. she wanted me to feel it in body. she wanted me to write it out through my character. so i forced myself out when really i wanted to hibernate and watch some netflix show and escape. i am here but the words really aren’t flowing. i feel too drained to access any feelings. i don’t feel sad. i don’t feel resentful. i don’t feel betrayed. i don’t feel trapped. i feel empty. i feel nothingness. i feel exhausted. oh well. she tried. yes, i want to eat my feelings though. yes, but i won’t. i did make a pms smoothie. i did add extra protein. but i won’t eat the feelings i cannot feel. drinking does not appeal either but i only drink when i am happy. lately alcohol isn’t very appealing to me. i don’t seem to want much. i am in a weird place. i feel kinda nauseous actually. maybe it’s the virginia beach shooting. maybe it’s the president. maybe it’s that i am feeling the destruction of this country to tyranny and hate. maybe i am overwhelmed by too many dark stories from my clients. maybe my life is too routined with too much discipline. not sure. the manic high of the past week also needs its come down. this was to be expected. my emotions are detached though. blah blah blah. i wonder if mom is watching me? where are you mom? mom, i miss you. a lot. i miss showing you my bathing suit i found. i miss you sending me texts of what to order you on amazon. i miss you before the cancer when you enjoyed eating and movies and shopping. i fucking miss you so hard. there is a lot of feeling here. a lot of fucking feeling. maybe i wish to be under the hot sweaty body of a heavy man who can make me forget. forget the president. forget the shooting. forget the tragedies of the heart. forget this dark dream. maybe i need to lay by the sea with family and laugh at stupid shit. maybe i need to sleep without waking up every two hours to pee. maybe i need to….blah blah blah. i am only writing to write. nobody but my sister reads these, i am pretty sure. i love you, sister. i realize today that she and i, although so different are also very similar. it’s so easy to talk to her. tears just welled up in my eyes. i think i am lonely for something to matter more than healing the world. something more personal. i have a life that is weird. i thought about leaving seattle again today. to move back to vegas, get a one bedroom apartment, a cat, a job, and write my book while being home for my dad. i liked the idea in a way. the sunshine. the simplicity. the return to a bohemian self. i always have loved the land of vegas. it’s hard here in seattle, in a way. but in a way, it’s the one place i grow. i am humbled by my own flaws and obstacles. i care so much about everything and then can zoom out and not care at all. why am i speaking in vague extremes? because this is a blog and i am not exposing too much. but i am jotting it down covertly. am i happy? yes and no. i am happy when the creative flow is abundantly coursing through me. i am not happy when it’s not. it’s always been this way my entire life. the artist temperament. is what it is. may the world be healed.
working title in motion…
dreamed last night my parents were dying in a home. then they died. my sisters were there with me and then they had to leave. in the dream i felt my intense loneliness. feeling unrooted to earth from being alone and not having a partner or children. i was at peace with the loneliness. before my parents died there was a baby i was holding. fussy and miserable. until i took her out of the bright sun into the shade. once in the shade she smiled so big and i was immensely pleased to give the baby what she needed. such a potent dream. feels like me right now. i am being a good mommy to myself and i am at peace with the loneliness i feel. a very specific loneliness. the loneliness of not being rooted to earth. not having a partner or children to root me to earth. my mother dead and my dad in his last years. how attached i have been to them as my roots. i don’t judge myself for being my age not yet having found a partner, not ever wanting to have kids, and being attached to my parents as my roots. it’s only a cultural value system that this is somehow inferior. it’s not truth. i am not ashamed of myself. i do have real longing for my partner to root me to earth. i don’t think this is a bad thing either for i am rooted to myself and spirit first and potently. something most people never achieve in their lifetime. i am proud of this and not ashamed to feel pride either. it’s healthy pride. i also honor my dependencies. i have them. and i am ok to have them. we all do. feeling like an ethereal soul who needs a man to root her to earth is my specific me-ness that i am cool with. i don’t value 100 percent independence and never will. in my opinion, that form of independence is an avoidant attachment wound. there’s a healthy balance to achieve between dependance and independence that is unique to each soul. no need to compare. you do you. i am doing me. i honor my loneliness living large right next to this new found happiness. the sun and the shade. the lack story is the pain body and the pain body has been spotted by the true self and the two are in a working relationship to find secure attachment. stay in the feelings as a witness. cool off the desires with breath. i am in an urban ashram.
cleaning out the basement…
most intense dream ever. the past showing up into the present surreally, my work mixing with trauma, art mixing with therapy, nightlife mixing with a group therapy room. total chaos. as if my unconscious dumped out many folders at once. i woke up refreshed. cleaned out. slept five hours in a row too which is amazing for me. it’s proof of the inner work i have been doing. i am no longer integrating parts of self. i am now focusing only on true self and letting the old narrative of parts integration go. it’s been long enough and i am bored with the structure, the narrative. potent stuff is happening by focusing only on true self. that being the only story. wow. i am going from moon to sun. i am shining the moon like a sun instead of reflecting the sun like a moon. i feel so different. i have no desires for anything extraneous. i am pulled inward. cooling off. distancing. feels right and good and as if the murky lake is turning into crystal clear waters, in my heart. reading this book is effecting me. i cried reading a few pages yesterday. i cried because i remember (not in this life) my connections with alien life forms. being one and being human and being close to other alien life forms. my memories extend beyond this life and most people would think that’s wackadoodle but i don’t really care. i know what is true for me. i can’t paint very well right now but trying to paint the main character of my book. realizing i do need to stick with her original name. my mother’s name. the name that came by synchronicity is about me not the character. more to be discovered. maybe another book. i feel busy right now. busy with clients and writing and painting and discovering truth. it takes up a lot. do not want the influence of other opinions but sometimes an ally says the right thing. don’t want to talk too much either. blah blah blah blah blah. really been craving the sea. soon i will be on the east coast with my family and commune with them and the ocean. i am craving the trees. not to hike in them like a backpacking northwesterner. yawn. but to saunter, reflect, hug, sit against, lose myself in the transpersonal nurturing of nature. i crave touch so pure nothing replaces the desire. no food. no expression. no thought. it’s been so long. i am radically accepting the craving. i am radically accepting the solitude. i am radically accepting the work mania. i am radically accepting myself. i am radically accepting my health condition. i am wondering if maybe certain foods might come back in one day. maybe. i do miss tomatoes hard core. feta cheese. hummus. those are all super no ways now with dairy and nightshades being lethal to my condition. i miss the mediterranean diet. testing wine….oh i miss wine. it did not go over well. but i miss wine. i miss being able to sit down at a restaurant like a normal person. oh well. it is what it is. weirdo me. so much good balances out what sucks. miracles will happen. life is short. i am embracing this very short ride known as me. my dad asked me what i thought of the afterlife yesterday. i explained my experience remembering that it is different for every soul. there is variety. it’s not one place like a heaven. it’s not the same for everyone. life is much more vast than that. how we live our life determines the next life we will take. some will reincarnate here on earth. some wont. some are living multidimensional lives on many planes at once. some are not. some go into life review on the fourth dimension. some don’t. some become spirit guides. some do not. it’s so different once we lose the human suit the best we can do is trust the imagination and intuition to give us an idea. some of us also have memories. i remember being other life forms not of this earth very clearly. i miss some of those lives very much. why is my consciousness located here? a great mystery. we all have our versions of what truth is. we all trust our versions. we should because we have mostly our inner selves to go on….
Winter Soil 